Stir-crazy in South East Asia

Keane flew off the handle at Ireland's training camp

By Tom Fordyce BBC Sport Online

So the World Cup would be a dream to take part in, yes? Roy Keane must be kicking himself that he won't be taking part.

Maybe not. While the thought of spanking home a 30-yarder in front of a television audience of millions is indeed a delightful one, the reality for most players is far more humdrum.

Endless hours in sterile hotel rooms, enlivened only be a spot of light training, thousands of miles from your partner, with no-one but other footballers to talk to - suddenly it doesn't sound so much fun.

Under these conditions, strange things happen to ordinarily sane individuals. Like schoolkids stuck in a classroom on a hot day, the players begin to act like laboratory monkeys.

Gazza's antics in 1990 drove Bobby Robson insane

For some, sudden bursts of temper are the order of the day. Keane, never the most stable of ships, had already thrown an almighty strop before Mick McCarthy decided to send him home.

Keane out of World Cup

The reason for his tantrum? McCarthy had ordered outfield players to go in goal during a five-a-side. Within minutes Roy had flown off the handle and was soon be packing his bags.

Others, bored out of their minds, seek solace in the sort of pranks that would be considered juvenile by a five-year-old.

During Italia '90, the young Paul Gascoigne amused himself on days off by leaning out of his hotel window and flicking pats of complimentary butter at ducks paddling on a pond down below.

When those heady thrills wore off, he could be found on the tennis court practising his serving - at 10pm on the night before the quarter-final with Cameroon.

Eight years later, the England squad in France held an informal competition to see who could mention the most song lyrics while being interviewed by the media.

Would you fancy getting in the way of an angry Roy?

This led to Alan Shearer musing that, "The Winner Takes It All" when asked about the crunch match against Argentina, and Gareth Southgate admitting the team were "Dancing on the Ceiling" after beating Columbia.

"You're in this strange, unreal environment where you want for nothing," admitted Southgate recently.

"That just leaves you with time on your hands and, of course, if you put 30 guys together there are bound to be childish gags played.

"You phone home and tell your wife what's been happening, and they tell you to stop acting like a kid."

Sven's boys have hundreds of videos, CDs and books at their disposal, from Gladiator and Ibiza chill-out compilations to Harry Potter.

But, as mothers across the world will tell you, when a kid is the wrong sort of mood, every activity you suggest is greeted with a snort of, "Boooor-ing!"

There's only so often you can play Snakes on your mobile or go round the crazy golf.

Will the current England squad give Sven sleepless nights?

Gradually, the little idiosyncrasies of your team-mates begin to grate. Must so-and-so always whistle like Roger flaming Whittaker whenever he walks past your room?

Will your next-door neighbour insist on booting a football against the wall when you're on the phone dictating your World Cup diary to a hack back in London?

Before you know it, the squad is at loggerheads.

The sight of a rival player sitting next to the manager at breakfast when you're stuck with the physio and media liaison officer is enough to drive you insane with jealousy.

When you get back to the dressing-room after a hard morning's training to find some prankster has cut the toes off your official World Cup socks, your tortured mind can take no more.

Before you know it you've lamped the coach's wife, stuck one on the team mascot and smashed up a nearby karaoke bar.

No wonder Trevor Sinclair decided to go home.