Quotes of the Week

"I am very proud and honour-red to be the England manager."
Fabio Capello introduces himself to the press, before wisely reverting to Italian.

"It's like going from Captain Mainwaring to Field Marshall Montgomery in one fell swoop."
England fans' spokesman Mark Perryman realises Capello is no stupid boy.

"Be worried, be very worried. This man will not suffer fools."
Former AC Milan and England striker Mark Hateley warns you won't like Fabio when he's angry.

"His only complaint was the weather. It was too cold for him!"
Capello's son, Pierfilippo, on the old man's visit to London. You think this is cold, old son?

"Why do you go for a foreign guy? It is like you go to war and say 'Now we choose a general from Portugal or a general from Italy'. Would that cross your mind? Never."
Arsene Wenger cannot fathom why the FA didn't appoint an Englishman.

"For anyone to beat that man, they would need six arms and two guns."
Interim WBO super-featherweight champion Alex Arthur ponders Floyd Mayweather's next opponent.

"Sven was top drawer and I really liked him. He was straight and honest - even if he did look like Mr Burns from The Simpsons."
David James on the former England boss.

"I found myself a passenger, which was strange enough, but having Schumi behind the wheel was incredible. He drove at full throttle around the corners and overtook in some unbelievable places."
Taxi driver Tuncer Yilmaz on being taken for a ride in his own cab by seven-times Formula One world champion Michael Schumacher.

"Hopkins is talking about fighting at Yankee Stadium but that's rubbish. If he fought at Yankee Stadium, even the ushers wouldn't want to watch him. Bernard Hopkins couldn't draw breath."
Promoter Bob Arum sounds really keen to get Joe Calzaghe and Bernard Hopkins on.

"They asked me what I thought of me dad as a trainer and I said, 'hold on a second, me dad's a carpet fitter'. Then I realised they were talking to Joe."
Ricky Hatton has the rug pulled from under him by Joe Calzaghe.

"I've got way too many cars - six here and the others in America. I get up in the morning and decide which one to drive. Most people wouldn't call them classic cars - most people would call them pieces of crap."
Reading goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann and his car-azy hobby.

"I won't be watching it again - I'll be taking my wife out instead. She'll be looking forward to that!"
The return of bad Roy Keane after referee Steve Bennett disallowed a goal for Sunderland against Villa, causing Keano to go ballistic.

"Hopefully Gary Cahill will be in my stocking on Christmas morning."
Sheffield United's Matt Kilgallon reveals his desire to make Cahill's move to Bramall Lane permanent, and what massive stockings he has.

"Steven Gerrard had his house burgled last week but we were robbed in broad daylight here."
Sheffield Wednesday boss Brian Laws after the 2-1 defeat by Crystal Palace.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"We're moving up the table now which is hopefully the right direction."
Paul Robinson after Spurs beat Portsmouth. (Roy Mulcahy, France).

"The one most important word the manager said was cup final."
Steven Gerrard being interviewed after Marseille-Liverpool. (Gary Wallis, England).

"Marseille needed to score first, and that never looked likely once Liverpool had taken the lead."
David Pleat during the Marseille-Liverpool game. (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).

Mark Lawrenson: Newcastle's next few games are all winnable.
Lee Dixon: They're also lose-able.
Mark Lawrenson: And draw-able.
Lawro and Dixon on Match of the Day. (Josh, Mansfield).

"Playing Joe Perry is about as easy as getting Marmite off the bedsheet when you've had it on toast the night before."
Steve Davis at Snooker's UK Championship. (Joe D, England).

"He will obviously want to buy some players in the January Sales."
Micky Thomas on MUTV before the United v Derby game. Paul Jewell has always had an eye for a bargain! (John Cowley, Isle of Man).

"It's not often you see a referee with two red balls in his hand, Willie."
Dennis Taylor to Willie Thorne commentating on Murphy v Maguire in the UK Snooker Championships. (Ben, Southampton).

"Magnificent to see a centre running with two balls in his hand."
Scott Quinnell commentating on the Scarlets v Munster Heineken Cup match. (Adam Iles, Wales).

"Any boxer would give his right arm for support like that."
Ricky Hatton returns to Manchester and contemplates one-armed boxing. (Richard, England).

Richard Keys: "Well, Harry, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?
Harry Redknapp: "You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard."
Harry, sharp as ever. (Oscar Stanton, Blackburn).

Jeff Stelling: "Don't sit on the fence, Paul, what chance do you think Liverpool have got of getting through?"
Paul Merson: "I think it's 50-50."
Before Marseille-Liverpool game. (Mrs James, Macmillan).

"I'm not saying we shouldn't have a foreign manager, but I think he should definitely be English."
More words of wisdom from Merson. (Andrew Cowley, England).

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent."
Gareth Southgate after Middlesbrough beat Arsenal. (John Jamieson, Berwick Hills).

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones."
Coventry boss Iain Dowie. (Chris G L Cobain, South Bank).

"He looks as uncomfortable as a badger stuck in the front grill of a transit van!"
'Mikeymilk' on 606 talking about Gilberto's poor form this season. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"I'm not sure what the disagreement was because those who voted for it were pretty unanimous."
Sir Trevor Brooking after the appointment of Capello. (John Marsh, USA).

"Emre has a left foot that can open a can of peas."
Alex McLeish after the Newcastle-Birmingham game. (Rach, England).

"It was a diving post at the near header."
On 5 Live, reporting the dramatic last-minute goal for Chasetown v Port Vale. (Russell Moore, England).

"Real Madrid need only a draw to qualify for the knockout stages, but a win might not be good enough!"
Jim Rosenthal on ITV Champions League highlights. (Andy, England).

"Can't have been a Titleist."
Mark Lawrenson after referee Mark Halsey disposes of a golf ball thrown on to the pitch at Anfield. (Alex Roper, England).

"Ryan Giggs hasn't scored at home since the 6th of December 2006 - that's a year almost."
Soccer Saturday's Jeff Stelling, speaking on the 8th of December! (Bob, England).

"They deserved to win today, but they didn't deserve to score."
Garth Crooks on Spurs-Man City. (Bob Dole, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Sunday, Monday, Habib Beye
Tuesday, Wednesday, Habib Beye
Thursday, Friday, Habib Beye
Saturday, Habib Beye, rocking all week with you!"
Newcastle fans at Fulham. (Graeme, England).

"There's two dollars to the pound!"
To the tune of "He's got the whole world in his hands" - sung by English boxing fans at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas after the Hatton-Mayweather fight. (Andy Bowling, England).

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, Diouf's gonna score, oh what fun it is to see Anelka get two more!"
Bolton fans' festive song. (Andrew Gallacher, England).

"Can we play you every week?"
Boro fans after beating Arsenal. (Philip Gardner, Teesside).

"No diving in the shallow end!"
Coventry fans on the state of the pitch at the Sheffield Wednesday match. (LJ, UK).

"Just like your manager!"
Chelsea fans when Sunderland's Liam Miller was sent off. Not sure if Roy Keane appeciated it! (Barry Crowley, England).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK

"There is no smoking at Layer Road - not even round the back of the stands. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to the top of one of the floodlights and dangled there until the next home match."
Colchester's announcer takes a softer line on smokers against Norwich than previously. (Greg, England). Previous threats ranged from electrocution to being forced to listen to Will Young, Ed.

BANNERS OF THE WEEK

"See You At Euro 2008."
Steaua Bucharest fans sneaking in a cheeky banner at the Emirates. Although the irony is that Arsenal of course don't have many English players and are full of internationals! (William Bone, UK).

"York Wide Boys - Sponsored by Steve Harmison."
At the second Test Match between England and Sri Lanka. (Matthew Jones, England).

SIGNS OF THE WEEK

"No ball games."
Sign on Kidderminster Harriers and Walsall stadiums. (Harvey, England and Mike, England).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?

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