Wednesday 21 June
Wake from a hideous dream in which Sven, faced with a 1-0 deficit against Ecuador, sends on Michael Owen in a motorised wheelchair, leaving Theo on the bench doing his biology homework.
The Big Two in Group C play out a gormless draw, although Tevez is another one from the fancy dan brigade. I haven't seen so many shimmies, hip-wiggles and step-overs in ages - Cole, Ronaldo (the slim one), Robinho, Tevez, Robben - all look like they're auditioning for Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing.
Thursday 22 June
Settle down to watch the Italians plummet out of Group E. Then that pillock Polak gets himself sent off and the Azzurri don't even have to work to close the match out - which of course delights Francesco Totti - the biggest and laziest jessie in the tournament. The only decent pass he's played so far is in that Pringles ad.
Ghana are through. Hooray! Even though Merk gave a nonsense pen and they rolled around on the ground like frisky puppies for the last 20 minutes to waste time, which wasn't particularly noble. Mind you, they're not alone. I can't imagine the modern footballer getting to the kettle to make a cuppa without rolling around in agony on the floor, pointing accusingly to a slightly ruffled rug in the hall. It'd just be nice to see one of 'em keep going and tuck the ball away rather than relying on a rubbish ref to oblige.
Which brings us nicely on to Graham Poll and the new 'three strikes and you're off' dictat from Uefa. It was confusing for him with all them Croatian names - but enough about Australia! And a special mention for the great Ronaldo, the top scorer in World Cup finals. 14 goals! Amazing! A goal for every stone.
Friday 23 June
Try to watch Ukraine v Tunisia. Fall asleep. Wake up in time see France get through. Plan for night off during Ukraine-Switzerland match in prospect.
Saturday 24 June
Sweden are crap! How did they squeeze a point out of us? Shame on Frings and co for talking Lucic off the pitch. I thought players were supposed to be stopping all this pressuring the ref. Argentina get through to play the Germans! Brilliant! At least one team we don't want to win it definitely isn't!
Sunday 25 June
England again. They say it's going to be cooler in the Sahara. Oh man, stop banging on about the blasted heat! Anyone'd think there were buzzards circling over Stuttgart the way they go on. We've got a new formation. All the BBC telly pundits are purring cos Carrick's in. I sometimes wonder if Alan Hansen's Carrick's dad - "Lovely shoulders, Michael, show em off!" Dunno what to make of the match. Lamps is lousy, J. Cole's cack and Becks is b*******, apart from the free kick, but we win. Pretty easily.
In the evening, enjoy the Valentin Ivanov show, featuring brief guest appearances from Portugal and Holland. He was a total shambles - right up there with Poll, but at the end of it all at least the Dutch lads can go back and finish their SCUBA lessons in their own time.
This has been a great tournament, except for the play-acting. Not one player has even tried to stay on his feet. You're grown men, not toddlers! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. In the meantime, Ivanov needs new employment - from what I can tell, he's a natural born traffic warden.
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