BBC Sport Online: Funny Old Game

Caborn again buffoon!

There's one Caborn Every Minute

When Gordon Brown appears on TV to answer questions about the economy, he looks like he knows what he's talking about.

When Alan Titchmarsh does some gardening on the TV, it's clear he knows the name of some plants.

So why the hell do we have to put up with a sports minister who knows bog-all about sport?!

Kate Hoey was a bloody athlete! She liked sport! So what if she went to see Arsenal play in Spain?!

She's the bloody Sports Minister and she supports Arsenal and she didn't have to pay for her seat! Only a simpleton would have turned that opportunity down! Give her her job back, now!

Stop the Aussie Bandwagon Now!!!

It's just plain humiliating! They were criminals, the Australians, criminals who we sent away 'cos we'd had enough of them and the prisons were too full.

Let that be a lesson for the current government - if we don't stop packing people in to prison we'll end up having to create thousands more Australians.

Anyway, this bunch of no-hopers are rubbing our noses in it and to make matters worse they send over a 10-year-old with a tennis racket to trash Rusedski and Henman.

He's a weird little git that Lleyton Hewitt - both his shoulders and his cap point in the wrong direction and he looks like he was pulled into this world by his face.

Still, he's better than our boys and so it looks like it's down to the British Lions. Let's hope they murder them Kangaroos! Or is it Wallabies?...... Wombats?

1. Wait until your team have actually won before running on.
2. Run around, not over, the stewards.
3. Try not to get over-excited - it's only England you've beaten after all.
4. If you intend to invade single-handedly then make sure you are female and naked or the entire crowd will be p***** off with you.
5.If you're an England supporter you will never need to know points 1-4 as you have forgotten how it feels to see England win a one-dayer.

Is it really the US Open? If so, how come when I look at Ceefax and it says 'US unless stated otherwise', does the leaderboard have loads of people whose nationalities are not stated otherwise?

Yanks every bleeding where, so I end up having to back someone who sounds like he goes round pinching girls' backsides.

Goosen, if that is his name, shared in perhaps the most embarrassing last green performance there has ever been.

If I'd have been there I'd have run on, grabbed his sticks and said: "For God's sake man, give it here."

And why oh why have an 18-hole play off the next day? That's what every sportsman wants, isn't it? To reach the pinnacle of your career in front of precisely no-one.

I used to have a Che Guevara T-shirt. I wore it quite a lot until my father-in-law told me it was really Stalin.

There's only one week in the year that makes me want to grab for it again - Royal Ascot. In particular Ladies' Day.

Hordes of chinless women who think hard graft is tricky plastic surgery.

These people will never have a job in their lives - not so much a silver spoon in their mouths as a whole canteen of cutlery (oh if only, of course, then we wouldn't have to put up with having to listen to them quacking away like tired ducks).

One day, comrades, we're going to go to Ascot, round up all those pathetic hats they pin to their heads and have a great big bonfire in the middle of the course!

Oh yes, then we'll force the lot of them into shell-suits and we'll all watch the racing together - one big happy family. We can always dream.