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Monday, 28 October, 2002, 09:28 GMT
Caption competition winner 119
England cricket captain Nasser Hussain and spinner Ashley Giles prepare for a gruelling Ashes series with a round of golf.
Who won the Sport Online goodie bag?
England endured an embarrassing start to their Ashes tour, losing their opening fixture to a festival side and drawing their second with another listless display. Hussain is also faced with a raft of injuries and the Australian media are having a field day ahead of the first Test which starts in Brisbane on 7 November. We asked you for your comedy captions, and this week's winner was Keiran Trotter of the UK, who came up with this cheeky line: Hussain: "Lowest score wins, eh? This I could get used to!" Well done Keiran, your prize bag is in the post. See below for this week's second and third-placed captions - plus the best of the rest.
Second place: Phil Chafer, UK
Third place: Alan Baxter, UK
The best of the rest:
So this is Giles' idea of a good drive to the eighteenth hole?
Having stolen the Nasser Hussain waxwork, Giles begins to wonder about his choice of getaway car.
Nasser: "356 yards. Par 4. Dog-leg right. Reckon a square cut should do it."
"Now how do I explain how to use 14 clubs when they don't know how to use one bat?"
"So that's a four at the first, a three at the second a five at the third, two at the fourth and a four at this one."
The England boys test out a new Australian cricket helmet for size.
"That's a great idea, but would it turn quickly enough after each run?"
"Hmmm, no snow. I was told to expect lots of sledging."
"We won't have any problems if our performance is as good as this shave!"
"After that three-point turn, I reckon I've failed."
Hussain: "Lowest score wins, eh? This I could get used to!"
Hussain ponders the possibility of using the 'backspinner' against the Aussies.
"How come Ashley's head's twice as big as mine?"
"I wonder, if I put my hand like this in front of that camera man, if I will get any lame jokes about superglue in a caption contest..."
Nasser: "Damn super glue gets everywhere."
Hussain: "Now, let me see: Was it two pints of gold top at number four or four pints at number two?"
Hussain: "I wonder if we can strap Dazzler to the front, run this thing at full tilt and get him to turn his arm over just as the front wheels cross the popping crease."
The budget Aussie remake of The Italian Job was lacking in a number of areas.
Nasser is such a perfectionist he even practices looking perplexed.
The Thinker...b. Warne.......0
Some of the English players feel more relaxed now that they know who McGrath is targetting!
"Ahhh, so this is what the Aussies do on the last three days of an Ashes Test!"
"I dont know what's wrong with me Nass, I just can't seem to get any spin out of the ball today."
He said "The battery's flat." So I said "What shape should it be..."
Nasser: "You're gonna have to spin better than that when the Ashes start, Ash!"
Nasser nearly loses his lunch as Ashley takes the buggy out for a spin.
"Hey Ash! Isn't this nice!? It'll be like this every day when I'm the ex-captain of England!"
Rumours of Nasser's defection to the European Golf tour grow stronger...
Shane Warne's new ball "the Seaman" - fifty yards in the air with a late dip - was causing the England captain concern...
Hussain: I know we're a bunch of old crocks but having Robin Reliant sponsor the team bus is a bit over the top.
Ashley: You look pensive Nas.
Hussain: Nah, I'm just thinking.
Nasser reflects that using the long putter can chafe the chin when you average 6 putts per green.
Nasser wonders whether anyone would notice his new golf-style bat at the crease.
"That traffic light's been red for an hour now Gilesy - shall we risk it?"
The only time you'll hear "a super drive from Giles" all winter...
"I tell you what Ashley, this is a much better way of saving energy when the Aussie openers are at the crease!"
"I said we should never have borrowed David Gower's sports car."
It's strange, but Jeremy Clarkson was quite complimentary when he took a test drive in one of these.
Buggies R Us are proud to confirm performance-related car sponsorship for the Ashes England team.
Hussain: Frankly I thought the Pope was somewhat older than but not as frail as this bloke.
Hussain: I wanted to take my mind completely off cricket, but watching white balls disappear into the far distance reminds me of fielding against the Aussies in a day/nighter.
"Nasser, I think we'll win the series 5-0." "Yeah, and that is a pig flying over the 18th green!"
Michael Schumacher only qualified fifth in his new handicapped car...
"I wonder if the Aussies wouldn't go 18 holes for the Ashes this year?"
Meanwhile, back at the cricket, Giles and Hussain hire a golf buggy to go and fetch the ball after yet another Australian six.
"Are you sure this taxi's going to Melbourne?"
Nasser thinks: "I must remember to wear socks that match for the game...."
What with all the injuries, perhaps we shouldn't have nicked the team ambulance to play golf.
"So, who's going to ask Mark Waugh if he has any English grandparents?"
Hussain's use of the golf cart to take him to the crease proved how lazy the England cricket team had become.
Giles drives Naz straight to the local A&E dept, after a horrific injury to three of his fingers sustained whilst scratching his chin at the 13th.
Nasser finds it hard to hold his head up high after the disastrous start.
The England injury crisis comes to a head as the casualties are forced to share electric wheelchairs.
Thinking about his injury hit team, Hussain checks his rear mirror and wonders what the guy in the red cap is like with a bat and ball.
Nasser's moment of inspiration when he devises a quicker way of coming back from the crease.
Nasser: "The BBC want to know how F1 can be improved...hmm, let me think."
Ashley: "Errr Nasser, don't you think we've got enough problems of our own?"
"I wonder if I could make a living on the pro-am circuit?"
"Hey Ashley - come the first Test it'll be you getting carted all over the place."
"Hey Nasser, this is like a Pope-mobile!" "Yes, Ashley, and only divine intervention will help us to bring the Ashes back!"
With so few fit players, the England squad were able to save money by hiring a smaller team bus.
Nasser and Ashley head off to find Harmison's ball.
"11 under par. I think that's what they call irony."
Nasser thinks: "If I land in the bunker not to worry, a pocket full of sand might come in handy for Ashley in the Test next week... or is it the week after next?"
Nasser Hussain: "I'm still not happy with my front foot drive."
"Hmmm....you know Ash, Ian Healey may be right on this one, we should have hired electric carts for the golf course instead of this blinking pedalo."
Nasser scouts for unsuspecting members of the Australian Test squad and Giles awaits the order to "floor it".
Ever the completist, Hussain works hard on building his post-match excuse repertoire.
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