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Page last updated at 16:54 GMT, Monday, 21 February 2011

Off the Bawl 20 Feb 11

Off the Ball presenters Stuart Cosgrove and Tam Cowan

Greeeeeetings! As the build-up begins to Scotland's glamour friendly against Brazil, we were joined in the studio by former Scotland star Murdo MacLeod, who famously got skelped on the napper by a Branco free-kick at the 1990 World Cup and suffered memory loss.

Sadly for Murdo, one of the few things he can recall from that decade is his short spell as Partick Thistle boss.

Murdo MacLeod in his Scotland days
MacLeod in his 1990 Scotland daze...sorry, days

Our other guest was legendary Scots actor Tony Osoba who played Jim "Jock" McClaren in the classic 70s sitcom Porridge. He did the show live from the BBC studios in London... or was it Slade Prison?

Talking points? Well, following reports that former Westlife star Bryan McFadden had told airline security staff, "I can't be drunk, I'm Irish!" we asked for Your Favourite One-Liners and Witty Retorts.

Also, apart from Tony Osoba in Porridge, what was Your All-Time Favourite Caledonian Cameo?

And, even though that confrontation with a size 5 Tango one night in 1990 means Murdo might not have any, What Memories Do You Have of Brazil?

Here's a selection of the most petty and ill-informed texts and emails on radio...


Iain in Glasgow: "When Charlotte Church was in her teens, she was told by her parents to go to her room. Her fantastic comeback was: 'I think you'll find they're ALL my rooms!'"

Alasdair in Glasgow: "Morecambe and Wise were asked on the Parkinson show what they would have been if they weren't comedians. Eric replied: 'Mike and Bernie Winters.'"

Walshy: "Davie Cooper to Doug Rougvie: 'I could keep a beachball off you in a telephone box.'"

Davie Cooper and Doug Rougvie
Big Doug Rougvie complains to the ref about Davie Cooper's mocking

Graham in Wemyss Bay: "When John Lennon was asked if Ringo Starr was the best drummer in the world, he famously replied: 'He's not even the best drummer in The Beatles.'"

Neil Campbell: "Arthur Lowe and John Le Mesurier were approached by the police whilst behaving in a drunken fashion in a London fountain. 'Could you direct me to the AA?' said Arthur. 'Why, do you want to join?' asked the cop. 'No,' he replied. 'I want to resign.'"

Ian the Hamilton Arab: "Brian Clough once said: 'Rome wasn't built in a day. Mind you, I wasn't on that particular job.'"

Macky, Oban: "Keith Richards was asked about his problem with drugs in the 60s and he replied: 'I didn't have a problem with drugs - I only had a problem with the police.'"

Michael Garrity: "My mate's wife here in Dublin was complaining that he never paid her any compliments. So he thought for a minute and said: 'Okay... your in-laws are much nicer than mine!'"

Liam McAllister from Aberdeen: "After being asked if he was a volatile player, David Beckham replied: 'Yes, I can play in a number of positions...'"


Donga from The Port: "It has to be Tony Osoba in Porridge for me as I fondly remember the episode when his character talked about the time he watched Morton beating Celtic in the Cup Final. If only..."

Diego Maradona and John Wark
Diego Maradona is pictured a second before being "Warked" to the bone

John Chiel: "Angus Lennie (chef Shughie McPhee from Crossroads) and Paul Young (the fisherman) both appeared in the Hollywood western Shalko alongside Sean Connery and Bridgette Bardot."

Stephen in Drumchapel: "John Wark had a great wee cameo - 'I'll have the top bunk!' - in Escape To Victory."

Dab Dee in Dundee: "Scottish cameos? Any drunk or tramp in EastEnders or Casualty."

Johnny Scoular in Sao Paulo: "Believe it or not, legendary Scots trombonist George Chisholm played a street sweeper in Superman III."

Neil Campbell: "Another Scottish cameo - Andy Gray on Sky Sports in 2011."


Ian in Dunfermline: "Simple - 1970. The epitome of the beautiful game."

Gareth in Windygates: "Pele's overhead kick in Escape To Victory. Even better than Wayne Rooney's."

Stirling Albion fan Dave Hendry: "Brazil? I just think of Archie Macpherson saying 'Oh, Billy!' in 1974. It still hurts."

Billy in Skye: "Guys, surely you should have had Frank McAvennie on Off The Ball today - he's an expert on Brazilians!"


The Prison XI (aka Peterhead)

1. Artur Porridge

2. Andreas Klinkel

3. Darren Barrlinnie

4. Bert Kontraband

5. Cell Campbell

6. Tommy Ring

7. Darren Norman Stanley Fletcher

8. Murder MacLeod

9. Screw Jarvie

10. Warden Durie

11. Geordie Shawshank

Subs: Harry Hood, Darren Bent, Gary Bollan-chain, Johnny Gile, Stevie Fulton Mackay

Manager: Arsenist Wenger

Coach: Davie Leg Irons


The last word this week goes to Barney in Neilston who said: "I had to laugh at yesterday's front page headline in one of the papers: 'Teenage Trannie Stalks Jordan.' Big Joe's not having much luck this weather, eh?"

PS. Saturday's song to play us out was dedicated to Murdo MacLeod. A listener in Brazil called Branco asked for the old Tommy Roe classic Dizzy.

To join in the fun on this Saturday's show, call 0500 929500, text 80295 or email:

Want to hear the best bits from the latest programme? Then listen to the Off the Ball podcast.

Or listen to the full Off the Ball programmes on the BBC iPlayer.

see also
Off the Bawl 13 Feb 11
14 Feb 11 |  Scotland
Off the Bawl 06 Feb 11
06 Feb 11 |  Scotland
Off the Bawl 30 Jan 11
01 Feb 11 |  Scotland
Off the Bawl 23 Jan 2011
23 Jan 11 |  Scotland
Off the Bawl 16 Jan 2011
16 Jan 11 |  Scotland

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