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Page last updated at 15:56 GMT, Monday, 14 February 2011

Off the Bawl 13 Feb 11

Off the Ball presenters Stuart Cosgrove and Tam Cowan

Greeeeeetings! Our star guest in the studio on Saturday was former Dundee United and Rangers madman Charlie Miller who has just become Jim Duffy's big glamour signing at Clyde.

The bad news is that Charlie's only on expenses. The good news, however, is that Jim Devine has kindly agreed to help him fill in the form...

If Off The Ball managed to find a sponsor for Charlie, we wondered what slogan would be emblazoned across the front of his Bully Wee No.8 jersey.

Charlie Miller
Charlie Miller's last sponsor kept him up at night

One listener suggested: "Charlie - not be sniffed at."

And David in Glasgow said: "What about getting Lottery funding to pay Charlie's wages? The slogan could be Who Wants To Be A Milleronaire?"

Meanwhile, a query from Alan in Penicuik. He said: "Do you think Clyde signing the bold Charlie will be enough to prise Dougie Donnelly away from the directors' box at Ibrox...?

Also this week, as Stirling Albion asked a supporter to offer digs to a mystery signing (a former U-21 internationalist who's played in several European leagues and once cost £600,000), we asked Have You Ever Had A Footballer In Your House?

The Binos also featured on NBC and in the Wall Street Journal last week after their players agreed to go without wages for the month of February, so we wanted to know about the time Your Team Went Global.

And, with romance in the air, how about some Poems for Valentine's Night?

Here's a selection of the most petty and ill-informed texts and emails on radio...

FOOTBALLERS IN YOUR HOUSE

Donny in Stornoway said: "I used to live next-door to Davie Moyes in Partick and we were always in each other's house. But I was mostly in his place as they were the first family in our street to get a colour telly."

Frank McAvennie
McAvennie is a regular topic of discussion on Off the Ball

Big MacGregor in Bellshill said: "I've got a wee boy with blonde hair and big teeth so I think Frank McAvennie must have been in ma hoose when I wisnae..."

Barney in Nielston said: "When I lived in Oz, my nephew who was a coach with Adelaide Utd brought the Brazilian player Romero back to my house - mainly because I spoke a bit Spanish. Sadly, he spoke Portugese, so it was a quiet afternoon."

Mike in Fife said: "I remember Doug Rougvie being in my mum's house in Lochore in Fife. Probably the biggest thing that had ever been in a council house before the arrival of widescreen TVs."

CLUBS GONE GLOBAL

Andy Lindsay in Cumbernauld said: "Jennifer Love Hewitt (Ghost Whisperer) slagged off Craig Ferguson on his US chat show for being a Partick Thistle fan."

Dandy Don said: "The Reds have gone global thanks to "Go Aberdeen!" being shouted by Groundskeeper Willie in The Simpsons."

Ross Gillies in Campbeltown said: "A popular term in Lagos, Nigeria for bad luck, stupidity or ineptitude is 'Dundee United'. Nobody knows where or how it originated, but it is in common use!"

ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE...

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Walter's so desperate, he signed El-Hadji Diouf.
(Anon)

A red rose

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Hibs ain't won the Cup since 1902.
(Dean the Oban Jambo)

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Richard Gordon the thesp got his boaby out too!
(Robert in East Kilbride)

Roses are red, violets are blue,
When Rangers won the World Cup, Gordon Ramsay scored two.
(Joe Hamilton)

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Don't lie in court, I'm in cell 322.
(T Sheridan, Barlinnie)

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Give us a kiss Aiden, your burd won't have a clue.
(Mark in Peterhead)

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Cup Final last year, relegation noo!
(Ross County fan John Patience)

Roses are red, violets are blue,
The babysitter's here... oh f--- it's Charlie Mulgrew!!
(Tony Burns in Kilwinning)

TEAM OF THE WEEK

The Egypt XI
(aka The Pharoah Islands)
(aka Tutankhamun Hotspur)
(aka Camelton Accies)

Manager: Malky McCairo

Goalkeeping coach: El Alan Main

1. Nigel Sphinx

2. Fez McKeown

3. Mark Wilson, Kepple and Betty (ask your granny!)

4. Sarcopha-Gus McPherson

5. Andy Webster (spent most of his career in bandages)

6. Ex-Ger (aye right) Gordon Rameses

7. Sandy Clark

8. Duncan She-Ra

9. Louis Sahara

10. Frank McAvennie (once a regular at Clepoatra's)

11. Mummy Sylla

Sub: Neil Alexandria

Celebrity Fan: Tommy Sheridan (deep in de-Nile)

AND FINALLY...

We'll leave the last word this week to the anonymous Hibs fan who said: "The Hibees are back! Late push for a European spot coming up!"

And remember, kids, if anyone offers you drugs, just say no...

P.S - Saturday's song to play us out? A Mr N Lennon requested a tune for Stevie Naismith. It was the old Elvis Costello classic I Can't Stand Up For Falling Down.

To join in the fun on this Saturday's show, call 0500 929500, text 80295 or email: offtheball@bbc.co.uk.

Want to hear the best bits from the latest programme? Then listen to the Off the Ball podcast.

Or listen to the full Off the Ball programmes on the BBC iPlayer.



see also
Off the Bawl 06 Feb 11
06 Feb 11 |  Scotland
Off the Bawl 30 Jan 11
01 Feb 11 |  Scotland
Off the Bawl 23 Jan 2011
23 Jan 11 |  Scotland
Off the Bawl 16 Jan 2011
16 Jan 11 |  Scotland


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