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Page last updated at 18:36 GMT, Sunday, 23 January 2011

Off the Bawl 23 Jan 2011

Off the Ball presenters Stuart Cosgrove and Tam Cowan

Greeeeetings! This week's Off the Ball got off to a bizarre start when our reports of John Noakes' death were greatly exaggerated.

According to Barry McGirr, it turns out the Blue Peter legend is alive and well and enjoying life as a keen sailor in the same town as Barry's girlfriend in south-west Mallorca.

Sorry, Noakesy!

BBC Scotland newsreader Catriona Shearer
The gorgeous Catriona Shearer, a previous guest on Off the Ball

Meanwhile, Greg from Glasgow proved he's a big fan of the Carry On films by confessing: "Watching Catriona Shearer reading the early news always gets me up in the morning..."

And there was a strange moment in the studio when one elderly gent - a Mr Stuart Cosgrove from the Sunnybank Care Home in Perth - admitted he was moved to tears in the early '80s when Eddie Yeats talked Bet Lynch out of committing suicide.

Aw, bless.

Joined by bald legal eagle Austin Lafferty (Off The Ball's No.1 groupie) and the Nosferatu of cyberspace, Pie and Bovril boss David "Div" McDonald, we discussed Unlikely Places To See A Scottish Footballer, Guilty Pleasures and Boycotts.

Here's the best and worst of the most petty and ill-informed texts and emails on radio...


Peterhead's Bobby Mann
Salads need have no fear when big Bobby Mann is around

Bryan in sunny Haddington:

"Mark Yardley and Bobby Mann in the queue at a salad bar."

Rab from Maryhill: "Airdrie goalkeeping legend John Martin at the royal premiere of The King's Speech."

Stuart Greig: "Anyone from Dundee United on the BACK pages of the newspapers."

Pat in Edinburgh: "I doubt if we'll ever see 'Walter' opening an account at Lloyds Bank."

Al in Aberdeenshire: "You wouldn't expect to see a Scottish footballer checking in for a flight to Brazil in 2014."

Jim in Netherlee: "Unlikely place to see a player? A Partick Thistle striker in the 18-yard box."

Stevie from sunny Govan: "You'd never see Mark McGhee in a Stewart Milne show home."

Craig in Haddington: "I can't imagine you'd find Charlie Mulgrew in Mothercare."


Wee Fat Boab in Dunoon: "A packet of six Tunnock's Teacakes eaten straight out of the freezer. Lovely and cold... and did you know that marshmallow doesn't freeze?"

Eddie in Huntly: "My guilty pleasure is getting a statement from the bank on the third week in January and realising that I might be skint but I still have more money than Rangers."

Fergie from Aberdeen: "My guilty pleasure is Countdown. While watching Rachel Riley the other day I got aroused. Not bad - seven letters!"


Raymie in Consett: "I boycott on-board catering on trains and their so-called 'freshly cut sandwiches'. If I win the Lottery next week I'll maybe go daft and have a ham sandwich and a coffee."

Greg from Selkirk: "I haven't eaten corned beef for 25 years after almost slicing off the top of my finger whilst opening a tin of the stuff when I was 15."

Old Firm fans must learn to bin their Buckie bottles, says John the Arab

Harry Bell:

"I boycotted a dog turd on the pavement after seeing three people in front of me slipping on it."

Steven in Troon: "I haven't eaten a Mars Bar since they changed their name to Believe Bars for England's World Cup campaign in 2006. I don't even touch the wee ones in a box of Celebrities. Is that a wee bit petty?"

John the Arab: "Rangers and Celtic supporters apparently boycott all the bins when they come to Tannadice with their Buckfast bottles."


The Australia XI (aka Crocodile Dundee United)

Manager: Sir Alf Ramsay Street

Coach: Bill Strewth

1. Koalan Rough

2. Rolf Chopper Harris

3. Tommy Boomering

4. Christophe Canberra

5. Lorenzo Amoruso (very big Down Under)

6. Aussie Ardiles

7. Mark Roberts (Ayr's Rock)

8. Duck Billed Platypuskas

9. Kylie Lafferty

10. Frank McAvennie (spent a lot of time in the bush)

11. Adelaiden McGeady

Sub: New South Gary Wales


The last word this week should have gone to Barney from Neilston who said: "Baldy Austin Lafferty reckons he's got 'general good looks'.

"I take it he means 'general' as in General Pinochet, General Gadaffi, or just general myopia?"

However, there was an even funnier line from Kenny Miller in Turkey who said: "I'm here for the medals, not the money."

Aye, right! And Tommy Sheridan only went to Cupid's for a soda water and lime...

To join in the fun on this Saturday's show, call 0500 929500, text 80295 or email:

Want to hear the best bits from the latest programme? Then listen to the Off the Ball podcast.

see also
Off the Bawl 16 Jan 2011
16 Jan 11 |  Scotland

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