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Scrum V's rugby jokes

Now you have to appreciate that the best rugby jokes can't be published on a BBC website for reasons of taste and decency, but here's what we can get away with!

We look forward to reading all your entries, but make sure that they're fit to pass the censor!

Rugby heaven

Spike enjoys one of our more recent rugby jokes in the '70s

During a Wales v England match at the Millennium Stadium a lightning storm hit Cardiff and a bolt was conducted through the towers to the touch line.

In a tragic accident both coaches - Mike Ruddock and Sir Clive Woodward - were killed.

They were taken straight to heaven where they were warmly greeted by the Almighty.

After a while, Clive was taken to his new accommodation.

He was pleased to find a lovely English country-style cottage with statues outside in the form of English rugby greats.

As a constant background he could hear the sweet voices of angels singing "Jerusalem" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

Clive was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill.

He listened closer and could hear "Bread of Heaven" followed by "Land of My Fathers."

Clive looked up the hill to see a great palace with statues outside of Barry John, Gareth Edwards and JPR Williams.

A party was taking place in the garden with Brains SA flowing freely as the crowd watched Scott Gibbs scoring his try at Wembley against England in 1999.

Clive went to the Lord and said: "Look, I don't want to appear ungrateful - my cottage is great, but why does Mike get the huge mansion?"

God broke into a laugh as he replied: "Clive, you've got it all wrong! That's not Mike's place - it's mine!"

Rugby isn't a matter of life or death...


A Welsh fan was watching a Six Nations game against Ireland in Dublin.

In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - right next to him.

"Who does that seat belong to?" asked Dai from the row behind.

"I got the ticket for my wife," replied the fan

"But why isn't she here?"

"I'm afraid she died in an accident."

"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect," said Dai.

"No," said the fan, "I offered it to all of my friends."

"So why didn't they take it," asked a puzzled Dai.

"They've all gone to the funeral."

All Black for England


The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries.

The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.

"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened."

After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score - 95-3.

"What!!!!," said a furious Michael Jones. "How did you let them get three points??!"

Jonah replied apologetically: "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

More rugby heaven!


A rugby referee died and went to heaven.

Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter.

If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff.

"Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner.

"But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try."

"Ok, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up.

When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"

The ref looked at his watch and replied: "Forty-five seconds ago."

We look forward to reading all your entries, but make sure that they're fit to pass the censor!

see also
BBC Sport Wales coverage
07 Aug 07 |  Wales
Coming up next on Scrum V...
14 Aug 07 |  Scrum V Extras
Scrum V's rugby songs
13 Aug 07 |  Welsh
Scrum V's rugby anagrams
09 Aug 07 |  Welsh
Scrum V's Commentator's Balls
09 Aug 07 |  Welsh
Scrum V's Corny Captions
14 Aug 07 |  Welsh

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