Full-time: New Zealand 37-20 England (Auckland):
LATEST ACTION AS IT HAPPENS (All times BST)
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1035: Oh hang on, I'm back in the hot seat for Australia v Ireland in 30 minutes time. Come be my friend again, we'll laugh like old times and pretend everything is alright.
1028: Thanks for all your bleary-eyed efforts on texts and 606, I'll be back in the chair for South Africa v Wales at 1400BST. Enjoy the shopping trip to the supermarkets with the other halves...
"Not bad - could have been a lot worse, at some points I thought we'd get absolutely slayed."
waldovski on 606
1022: So, so disappointing after that start - but the All Blacks got the kick they needed last week against Ireland in Wellington, so maybe England will have similar motivation for the second Test in Christchurch next week.
However, I don't think the bookmakers would be giving me favourable odds if I say I'd put a tenner on Charlie Hodgson not starting for England next week. That missed tackle for Muliaina's early second-half score will haunt him for a long time to come.
"Men against little boys, pitiful unattractive, typical English display."
The Grand Slammer on TEXT 8111
"Danny Care looked useful since he came on the pitch and Ojo has masses of pace, but again we have scored two tries from AB mistakes and not English flair and creativity."
akawaveydavey74 on 606
FULL-TIME: NEW ZEALAND 37-20 ENGLAND
80 minutes: England make a dash into NZ territory but it's all over as referee Owens blows up for full-time.
78 minutes: Wasps' Tom Rees - who has had a decent game - wins England a penalty, turning over Lauaki like his opposite number Richie McCaw.
76 minutes: Oh dear. Mr Owens digs into his pocket and flashes Mike Tindall a yellow card for handling on the ground as NZ were poised for another five points five metres from England's line.
75 minutes: Ref Nigel Owens doesn't like England hands in a ruck and hands the NZ boys a pen inside their 22m.
72 minutes: Try - New Zealand 37-20 England
Probing kick from Danny Care finds winger Anthony Tuitavake in a tizz and Topsy Ojo races over for his second score of the game. It's all one-way traffic, but fair play to Ojo and England. Barkley adds the extras.
71 minutes: The boys in Black fail to make a line-out five metres from England's tryline count and Tindall races down the right flank, but he overcooks his kick to gift possession to the home side.
68 minutes: England have missed 17 tackles, compared to NZ's three. Says it all really. Stats don't lie. Text commentators don't lie.
65 minutes: Danny Care humps a sliced kick from a line-out straight up in the air into the hands of Nonu, who finds Sione Lauaki, but the replacement flanker spills the ball with Carter poised to add another try to his already bulging points tally. Jimmy Cowan is on for Andrew Ellis at scrum-half.
62 minutes: On comes prop Tim Payne for Andrew Sheridan.
62 minutes: Richard Wigglesworth - whose name I haven't written too often - is replaced by Quins' Danny Care for his international debut. Wonder if he's thinking "cheers Gaffer, thanks for that".
"This is a fifth-string England team against the probably next world champions. I said it would be another tour of hell weeks ago and sure enough it's rapidly becoming that way."
captaincarot on 606
59 minutes: NZ are awarded a penalty and DC clears to the halfway line, but Mealamu's throwing has not been too hot, so England get their mitts on the ball, only for Barkley to see his kick charged down. However, England nick a scrum against the head to stave off the danger.
56 minutes: The ABs have not been beaten at Eden Park since 1994. It's easy to see why when they play like this. A very brief shot of Rob Andrew, who cuts an expression like a man who can't find his best pants before a night on the tiles.
52 minutes: Leon McDonald is on for the ABs, while Ben Kay comes on for Tom Palmer. The Wasps second-row looks like he has just run a marathon piggy-backing Matt Stevens for the full 26 miles. Knackered is an understatement.
"How many times does Hodgson have to prove he's not up to it? What has he done today except for being a liability?"
The_Hessian on 606
49 minutes: Centre Jamie Noon is on for Charlie Hodgson, with Olly Barkley moving to fly-half. Wonder if that missed tackle on Nonu has spelt the end of his international career?
46 minutes: TRY: New Zealand 37-13 England
It's all so messy on England's 22m line and the move goes thus - Hore, Carter, Nonu to Sitiveni Sivivatu, who outpaces Mike Tindall with consummate ease to touch down in the left corner. Guess what Dan Carter's gone and done right from the touchline? He's only gone and thumped over the extra two points.
43 minutes: TRY: New Zealand 30-13 England
NZ win the line-out and Carter finds Ma'a Nonu, who hands off Charlie Hodgson's lame attempt to bring him down and the centre finds Mils Muliaina to cross over for the simplest of scores. DC sticks over the two points. You can't but think that if Jonny Wilkinson were in that number 10 shirt, Nonu would've been on his backside in no time.
42 minutes: Mike Brown calls for the mark and thumps the ball into touch to the halfway line. Andy "Big Ted" Sheridan is poised to come back on for England.
41 minutes: And we're off.
0930: Out trot the teams. These boys looked pumped. And knackered.
"ABs are going to slaughter The Old Boys in the second half, especially after that 14-point play."
Devonporter on 606
0921: Lordy, I'm breathless. What a game! And we've still got another 40 minutes to go. Nurse! I'm all giddy. I spell England "NEW ZEALAND".
HALF-TIME - NEW ZEALAND 23-13 ENGLAND
38 minutes: TRY: New Zealand 23-13 England
Brad Thorn makes a brilliant break and Danny Carter scythes through the England defence, but Topsy Ojo intercepts and runs in a brilliant 80m score, using his pace to outrun Mils Muliaina to touch down in the corner. Barkley adds the extras. What a score, England looked destined to be 28-6 down before the London Irish wing stepped in for a dream score on debut. Barkley adds the extras.
35 minutes: There are some brutal hits being dished out at Eden Park, scrum-half Andrew Ellis - head strapped with a unfetching bandage - makes a semi break, but the ABs are penalised for holding on to the ball on the floor. It's a long old kick for Barkley and unfortunately for England, the Gloucester-bound number 12 fails to gets the requisite distance.
32 minutes: Penalty: New Zealand 23-6 England
Rodney So'oialo and Lee Mears are having a right old slapsy as the Kiwi number six guards the ruck. However, England are down to 14 men after Nigel Owens gets mighty annoyed with Andrew Sheridan for not rolling away and dishes out the first yellow card. Carter kicks over point number 18 of the game.
28 minutes:Try: New Zealand 20-6 England
The words "hot knife" and "butter" are uttered from my colleague James as Daniel Carter charges through after a tremendous offload from winger Sitiveni Sivivatu. Brilliant score. DC adds another two points to his tally.
"Ah, I've worked it out, Pranev (sic) the non-Rugby expert is commentating. Hence the odd score tracking ladies and gentlemen."
Rugby_Will on 606
Handball! Ref! He picked up the ball! Matey, I know enough about rugby to last me a good lifetime.
26 minutes:Penalty: New Zealand 13-6 England
England are penalised for one of the gaggle of breakdown offences. Dan Carter says "ta" and slots the ball right through the centre of the sticks. That man could shoot fish in a barrel and still hit.
22 minutes: Try: New Zealand 10-6 England
Danny Carter and that tin-opening left boot of his conjure yet another try as centre Conrad Smith arrives from nowhere and races on to a fantastic grubber to put the home side in front for the first time in the game. Carter adds the extras.
20 minutes: Penalty: New Zealand 3-6 England
Richie McCaw is pinged for not rolling away from a tackle, he gets a stern talking to from Nigel Owens, anymore of that nonsense, Richiemaboy, you're offski for 10. Barkley slots the easiest of penalties in front of the sticks.
19 minutes: The All Blacks are looking rattled, especially at the set-piece. Tom Rees, James Haskell and Luke Narraway are giving the famed All Blacks back three a proper run for their Kiwi dollar. Matt Stevens and Andrew Sheridan are looking solid with ball in hand.
18 minutes: Superb defence from number 8 Jerome Kaino, who hauls down David Strettle as he darts for the line after a swift passing move through the backs. Kaino not only hauls the Quins winger out of touch, he forces the winger to knock on.
16 minutes: England are bossing things here. Daniel Carter fails to find touch from a penalty and Mike Tindall finds acres of space on NZ's left wing and England camp themselves in Kiwi territory.
"I'm watching it live and reading the live text and the text is coming before what's going on the TV!"
Loyalness on 606
Mystic Soneji at your service...
13 minutes: Penalty: New Zealand 3-3 England
Luke Narraway bosses the ball off Richie McCaw, only to the find the great number seven doing exactly the same 30 seconds later. Matt Stevens is penalised for holding on to the ball and Daniel Carter - who else? - plonks over the most laconic of kicks to level the scores.
9 minutes: Penalty: New Zealand 0-3 England
England take a solid scrum and work the ball through the forwards - via Matt Stevens - and prop Greg Somerville is penalised for not rolling away. Barkley makes amends for his earlier miss and England are up and running.
7 minutes: Good kicking work from Wigglesworth and Hodgson sees England find Kiwi territory 10m from the All Blacks' 22m line. Replacement hooker Kevin Mealamu is on for hooker Andrew Hore already and his first throw is crooked.
5 minutes: Ooooof! Mike Brown gets a "splendid evening for rugby" greeting from winger Anthony Tuitavake, who smashes into the England full-back with a brutal tackle.
3 minutes: New Zealand win line-out ball and drive towards England's line, but Ali Williams fumbles and Charlie Hodgson makes very useful ground with a thumping kick.
1 minute: Superb start from England, 30 seconds after kick-off England make 10metres with a maul and Nigel Owens penalises New Zealand for not joining the maul through the gate. Superb opportunity to get three points on the board, but Barkley misses the right-hand post from close to the right touchline. I wonder if that miss will come back to haunt him.
0835: We're off.
0834: Welshman Nigel Owens is the man in charge in the middle. England crowd round into a huddle and we're seconds away from kick-off, which Olly Barkley will take.
0831: We've had the anthems, now it's time for something that starts with H and ends with A and involves lots of Ka Mate! Ka Mate! Captain Richie McCaw is leading the charge, tongue looking as menacing as Amy Winehouse stumbling out of a Camden watering hole at 2am.
0826: So we have an all-Sale half-back pair of Richard Wigglesworth and Charlie Hodgson, who will hand over place-kicking duties to Olly Barkley, freeing him up to dig deep in his magic bag of tricks to unlock a rather menacing All Blacks defensive line-up.
Mils Muliaina came through a late fitness test and takes his place at full-back. We've got all sorts of crazy business at Eden Park, with the Knights of King Arthur holding Union Jacks, one of whom looks incredibly miserable out there. Cheer up son, it could be worse - you could be a Kiwi cricket fan...
0825:A quick reminder of the teams:
New Zealand: Muliaina; Tuitavake, Smith, Nonu, Sivivatu; Carter, Ellis; Tialata, Hore, Somerville, Thorn, Williams, So'oialo, McCaw (capt), Kaino.
Replacements: Mealamu, Schwalger, Boric, Lauaki, Cowan, Donald, MacDonald.
England: Brown; Ojo, Tindall, Barkley, Strettle; Hodgson, Wigglesworth; Sheridan, Mears, Stevens, Palmer, Borthwick (capt), Haskell, Rees, Narraway.
Replacements: Paice, Payne, Kay, Worsley, Care, Noon, Tait.
0820: England have only ever won twice on Kiwi soil - the last was the memorable game when England won 15-13 in Wellington, when they contested a scrum with only six men after Neil Back and Lawrence Dallaglio had been sin-binned. Captain Martin Johnson was asked what was going through his mind at that point. He replied: "My spine".
0815: Scrape that furry tongue off the roof of your mouth and plonk a couple of fizzy headache tablets in a drinking receptacle full of foggy tap water, you've got a clash bigger than Joe Worsley's head to get stuck into.
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