Our rival Ashes columnists go toe-to-toe again.
G'day Robbo, well I don't wanna gloat....I can't believe you talked me down to 3-1 last week - it's obviously going to be 5-0 to Australia!
Now don't get carried away, sunshine - I'm not with the doom and gloom merchants just yet.
Do you know what disturbs me? I look at Ricky Ponting's face and I think...it's George Bush 20 years ago.
You lot couldn't catch a cold, Robbo!
Aw mate, he's much prettier than George Dubya.
They're exactly the same!
I see what you're saying, but they can't all be oil paintings like Shane Warne can they? And Warney is an oil painting - he's hanging in the Long Room at Lord's.
That's only because he can't get his name on the board.
Mind you he showed us what a good lad he is because he took the catch that denied him his last chance of a five-wicket haul at the home of cricket.
And the way Jones was batting there's no doubt he would have got his fifth next over, so well done Warney.
You're absolutely right, but as for your lot it's a case of new England, same old story - dropped catches, misfields, out for under 200 twice in the match - seen that before, Robbo.
Yes, it's the same old refrain. If we hadn't dropped the catches we might have made a game of it. But I think a few of the younger lads got a bit over-excited.
Oh no, not Warney again!
Bell's got to go, though. When he was batting against Warne he reminded me of one of those big-eyed, nocturnal monkeys you get in the jungle, peering out from behind his helmet and saying: "What's happening? Turn the lights off!"
I'd get Collingwood in - good north-eastern lad.
Well I think there's someone else who should be back in the England team. He averages high 40s against Australia, but the trouble is he's retired! The selectors did a good job in leaving out Graham Thorpe.
Well Thorpey's got a history of going off in a bit of a tizzy. I don't know what he expects Graveney to do - take him out to dinner?
He's a delicate soul.
I think it's a bit of a shame because he could be handy - especially if we get thumped in the next one. I don't blame the selectors, though - I blame Thorpey for being a bit of a prima donna.
Well he's going out to play for New South Wales, he'll qualify in five years' time and he'll be playing for Australia before you know it.
But back to the dropped catches and Pietersen's was costly against Michael Clarke. I do like Pietersen as a batsman, though. He's a good player but I haven't quite worked out whereabouts in England South Africa is.
Nottingham. Oh sorry, it was in Nottingham, now it's in Hampshire.
Whoops he dropped it again
As for that wicket-keeper from Papua New Guinea via Australia, what's going on there?
Rod Marsh used to put steaks in his gloves when Lillee and Thommo were bowling to protect his hands, what does Geraint Jones put in his - butter?
Cotton wool I think - there's certainly no feeling in his hands. Shame he wasn't under the one he tonked to Gillespie at mid-on, he'd have been fine.
He had a very good one-day series behind the stumps and I'm hoping that was just a blip. The other wickies are all injured so we'll just have to soldier on.
The thing we're most worried about is Vaughany's form. For quite a while we've tended to turn a blind eye to the fact he can't score many runs these days, because he's a good captain.
But now the time has come, he's got to start contributing with the bat, Davo.
He needs runs, Robbo - no question.
Mind you there's no need for Ponting to start saying "I suspect Vaughan will be facing Glenn McGrath a lot more in the coming weeks".
Well yes, that's probably on the cards given that Vaughan bats number three and McGrath's the opening bowler. Tell us something we don't know, Ricky.
Well someone needs to tell Vaughan where his off-stump is, Robbo.
Come on poppet, it's only a nick
And what about some of your lot accusing Australia of being bullies?
What about Ponting - blood on the face, blood on the pitch and not a word of condolence from the England players. That's rough, mate.
I think the England team learn from their mistakes and their two biggest mistakes so far have been telling your bowlers they're too old and not being very nice on the pitch.
You can bowl short-pitched stuff all day long but you should apologise if you smack someone in the gob.
On the other hand, Ponting will get over it. It was only a couple of stitches and a little plaster for goodness sake.
It's a complete waste of time Ponting bleating on. You beat us by 239 runs - end of story.
Yes but we want some kind words as well. We've got this reputation of being hard men, but we need a bit of tlc.
The thing that gives away your softer side is the highlights in McGrath's hair.
Oh they're good!
I've never seen such a weird collection of barnets. I know Australia is a cultural cul-de-sac but what are the hairdressers doing over there? Mullets went out in 1970 you know.
Has Thommo been passing on hair tips?
Well I heard McGrath went to the hairdressers and said "I'll have a Pietersen" and then fell asleep.
Very good! I don't know what Pietersen's doing with his hair. I think he was painting his ceiling and no-one
bothered to tell him he spilt some.
As for Clarke, Gillespie and them - get it cut! Do they not have hairdressers in Australia?
Course they do, it's just the look.
You mean it looks good with a surfboard, a tinnie and a shrimp?
It's a variation of the Pietersen skunk.
Well hopefully Harmy and Flintoff will be cutting the Aussies' hair with a cricket ball at Edgbaston. I'm not too downcast - I think we'll come back.
Don't get me wrong, we're not going to win the series now after that performance at Lord's but I think we can reverse the form - hopefully before the fifth Test, which is when we usually get our first win.
Good arm - bad hair
Well the English have got a pretty good record at Edgbaston so we might see an upturn in books - you never know.
Why the hell we didn't start at Edgbaston I'll never know. Instead we start at McGrath's favourite ground.
I hope the next contest is a bit closer - in fact I bet you do as well.
Yeah we like a bit of a contest but we also love knocking the poms senseless.
Fair enough - well I hope they come back like Ricky Hatton against Kostya Tszyu and then perhaps you won't be gloating so much, Davo! Ta-ta.
See ya Robbo.