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Last Updated: Monday, 18 April, 2005, 10:43 GMT 11:43 UK
Well done - now wash your hands!

By Derek 'Robbo' Robson
The Tees mouth

Paula Radcliffe

Paula disappointed the nation last year in Athens but this time she's been downright shameful.

When she pelted off at the front of the race I said to myself she's gone too early - and after 22 miles, she squats down for a few seconds and, well, goes too early.

I tell you who won that race. Tena Lady* won that race.

There must be some way around this for the competitors and summat better than them bloody portaloos that cost you 20p - if they're not bust, that is.

There's nowt so inconvenient as a non-functioning convenience. Perhaps a simple tent-like mechanism over every other manhole cover would suffice for Paula next year. Or just go before you leave the house, love!

* For the uninitiated, Tena Lady make incontinence products!


Robin van Persie

The Ruud and the Crude

The FA Cup semi-finals were very different affairs. The Geordie bottlers were true to form, caving in Cardiff like they did in Lisbon, while van Nistelrooy got the goal drought over with.

Last time the Millennium Stadium was full there were big leeks all over the ground as Henson and co won the Grand Slam. This time the leaks stayed on the pitch in the Newcastle defence.

The day before saw Blackburn and Arsenal appear on the pitch. Arsenal turned up to play average football, Blackburn were up for a bit of rollerball.

I know Wenger is a moaning minnie who can't bear to see his preciouses touched by the unruly yobs who play for teams with no cash and have to scrap somehow.

And God knows Vieira, Lauren, Cole and St Denis of Bergkamp can handle themselves when they have to.

But Mark Hughes has put a team together that look like they've just rolled out of the King's Head after Happy Hour.

I put together a Most Irritating XI of current Premiership footballers a few weeks back and frankly, you could just pick Blackburn and you'd be on the money.

At least we've got a final that promises to have more needle than an embroidering acupuncturist in a pine tree.

I don't want either of them to win it either but I'm looking forward to it all the same.


Graham Henry

The Lions, The Which and the Wilko

The much-anticipated squad announcement by Clive Woodward was, I have to say, a bit of a non-event.

Everybody's bloody well going. Even Odgson (That's how you spell his name now cos he keeps missing the 'H').

Forty four blokes (47 if Tindall, Vickery and Wilko get to go too)! Is it going to be 30 a side in New Zealand? There'll need one of them massive Airbus jobbies just to get the whole lot of them out there.

Of course, if Wilkinson can stand he should go. Jones has been great but O'Gara and Hodgson aren't up to it for now.

Meanwhile Graham Henry has been keen to point out the English bias.

This is the same misery who oversaw the last Lions tour and defeat, isn't it? The big grumpy lump that took Wales to such dizzy heights? Shut it, son. It's got nowt to do with you. Now get your eyebrows trimmed.


Ronnie O'Sullivan and Stephen Maguire

Maguire to the Wire

Well done Ronnie for holding off Stephen Maguire, even if you seem to think the job of being a snooker player is so terribly hard.

Try defusing a bomb or two, Ron. Or being the commentator on David Gray v Anthony Hamilton.

But it's good to see the Rocket's still there. Maguire always looks like a barman to me. He plays like the one who used to take money off me down the Blue Bell during the quiet afternoons, too.

That was pool, mind. Or the p****d man's snooker, as I call it.




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