Our rival Ashes columnists go head-to-head for the final time this summer.
Oh dear, Robbo, I knew I'd have to speak to you eventually. So how are ya mate?
Well I think I got a bit more shut-eye than Freddie and I'm absolutely cock-a-hoop. It's brilliant, isn't it?
Er, well I wouldn't say that, but let me just get this out of the way...never let it be said that Davo's an uncouth, graceless man. Congratulations, welcome to international cricket - it took you long enough to win the Ashes.
Oi! Now come on. We gave you plenty of rope and you managed to hang yourselves with it.
You can see what fantastic losers we've been over the years and now we've become fantastic winners. I'm afraid you'll just have to take it on the chin, Davo.
That's my point, you're not fantastic winners! I've been copping it from every angle. Eighteen years of slavery and the Poms have cut loose on their masters.
One thing about English sports fans - great losers, yes, very humble in defeat - but when you win, jeez....you're unbearable.
What do you mean, over the top?
It doesn't happen enough, none of us can believe it...that's why we're jumping up and down. They must have imported all that tickertape from America by the truckload - we certainly wouldn't have had any over here.
But I'd rather be jumping up and down like a lunatic in Trafalgar Square than be in Langer and Gilchrist's shoes, that's for sure.
It must be horrible being Western Australian and having to get off the plane first - that's the trouble with a big continent.
I didn't see the lynch mob waiting, so they're still with us. And anyway, they don't stop, they just drop 'em out the plane.
That's more or less what our bowlers did to Ponting. He was gagging for a parachute by the end to save his job. I think he might go - what do you reckon?
No! He's staying, he'll hang around for ages, like a bad smell.
I don't think he knew what was going on for the last day and a half. Shane Warne would surely be given the job, if it wasn't for the fact that he misuses his phone and sometimes gets caught talking to the wrong bookies.
Fair play to Warney, though - he was amazing. I'm still bedazzled by him now - I'm dribbling in fact, a bit like Freddie.
Well I was amazed he dropped that catch.
What a shame, Warney
Yes, it's a shame after all he's done that it was his fault you didn't win on the last day. He's proved that he's human after all.
We know he's more human than most off the field, now he's proved he can be the same on the cricket pitch.
He let Pietersen off the hook is what he did. I've said it before and I'll say it again...jeez they make good cricketers in South Africa.
Yes and as I've said to you before - he may be South African, but he's our South African!
I tell you what was nice - to see Pietersen walking out the morning after with a big jug of beer in his hand. At least he can hold something, I thought.
He was a lot more compos mentis than Freddie, so fair play to him there. And what an innings - that's how to save a game.
Well yes, but that innings should never have got off the ground. He should have been out for a duck - three dropped catches!
It was obviously his day. Geoffrey Boycott said: "He's got to cash in now" - which is exactly what he did. And, I'm glad to say, not in Boycott fashion. Seven sixes, what about that?
Each one a dagger in Davo's heart!
It was like a giant dagger going through the map of Australia, straight through Alice Springs.
Yes, I must admit I wasn't in the mood for celebrating. I saw some of those England boys in the morning, though - I wonder what they got up to?
We're just good friends - honest
Gilo said twice in the same interview how much he loved his team-mates. Nudge nudge, wink wink, eh Robbo?
Nah, it's a purely platonic thing. They do all get on well together, though, which is very refreshing. For years you've had people in the England team who don't all get along. Tufnell was a pain, Cork...
They either hate each other or they're loving each other, if you know what I mean.
Well as long it's all played with a straight bat, the ball stays in the pocket and there's no third man, that's fine by me.
Well England have been playing the whole series with 12 men, plus a couple of subs.
Ah yes, Gary Pratt - there's a name that will never be forgotten. He can hit one stump from 10 yards - and that's got nothing to do with the other night either.
But all this hysteria, open-top bus parade and all that - it's not like you've found a cure for cancer, mate. I haven't seen that kind of hysteria since ooh...the Rugby World Cup.
Remember that sport, rugby?
Yes, well we're no good at that again now, but this is different, this is going to last.
We were good at rugby once too
Your boys will be getting off that plane very slowly with a bit of assistance because they're all of pensionable age. In two years' time, our boys will be hitting top form. It'll be a 5-0 thrashing when we get over to your gaff.
Not a chance. What I will say about that Trafalgar Square parade was it created a bit of work for travelling Australians - they were able to share the driving duties for the out-of-control England bandwagon.
Yes and I bet there was a bit of extra work for all of your bar staff. It looked like four Aussie waitresses at Downing Street alone.
How marvellous for the players to be in that condition and talk to our wonderful prime minister.
That's the way to turn up to speak to the man in charge of the country. Go on then, I'll have another glass if you force me, Tone.
Drunk as skunks eh Robbo?
Aye. Marvellous. God bless 'em all and I hope they keep celebrating for another seven days.
A word for the press, though - leave Freddie alone. He's just done something he's dreamt of doing all his life and if he can't go out and get a bit sozzled, then God help the rest of us.
This is what a real sportsman looks like
Another reason I probably think Freddie is Australian is his great capacity to hold his alcohol.
Yes, he's not quite up to the Boon standard yet, but he's not far off.
Amazing man, amazing cricketer, what a bloke. Got to be Australian.
And then you've got Warney on the other side. Probably the two biggest drinkers of the two teams and they were the ones who performed the best - what does that tell you?
That tells you everything you need to know about professional sport, Davo. If you live your private life like a saint, chances are you won't have the devil to get there in the end.
You've gotta let rip every now and again...and I don't mean in the post-tandoori sense. You've got to be able to take a drink to be a decent sportsman.
Well what I'm doing right now, Robbo, is raising a cold one to you and England to say congratulations. But I will say roll on next summer - next Aussie summer that is - and we'll 'ave you!
Dream on, Davo. Ta-ta now.
See ya mate.