Winter Blues for Veron

By Derek "Robbo" Robson
The Tees Mouth

Hello Robbo.

Hello sunshine.

How are you?

I'm absolutely top hole - you all right?

Well I suppose I'm bottom hole because I've just had a wisdom tooth out, but apart from that I'm all right.

That's good - you know people in Middlesbrough go the dentists to have wisdom teeth put in?

I'll take your word for it. Did you see the football the other night?

Well, if you can call it football. I know they're called friendlies, but this is getting ridiculous. The defending was so generous-spirited, particularly ours - how we got away with a 3-1, I'll never know.

I couldn't agree more. They were all over us in the first half - and most of the second, although I have to say we looked a bit more up for it when some of the youngsters like Cole and Dyer came on.

We did. Sven always treats these games like there's not much riding on them, so why doesn't he just play the lads who would normally be the subs from the start? It would give them something to play for.

I think Scholes and Gerrard and Ferdinand and people like that who've been assured of their place for ever, shouldn't even bother turning up - because they play like they've got nothing to prove.

They just faff about. It's no wonder Scholes hasn't scored for two years, because he just doesn't bother in the friendlies.

It just makes me cross.

And it takes a lot to do that, eh Robbo?

Well, I've got a bit of a short fuse sometimes, and by the way - WHAT'S HAPPENING ON THE LEFT SIDE??!!

Get a Grip, Sven!

For goodness sake, just stick Bridge and Cole there - or Barry and Cole. It's not hard, Sven - come on son. They've both got left feet, which they use to strike the ball with - dear oh dear it's not rocket science.

It's no good having lazy Scholes or lazy Gerrard faffing about over there, when all they're interested in is being top dog in the centre - just put two lefties there. I don't care how good they are, just so long as they stay there.

On the plus side, David James did OK.

He did actually, but you see he only got 45 minutes. We all know David James can be a good keeper for 45 minutes, but where were the customary 45 minutes of hell?

He'll have just stored them up for the Macedonia game now.

Oh, and by the way - unlucky, Wales. You've had your four games of glory, it was great while it lasted but you're on the slippery slope now. You're gonna be in the play-offs and then...oh dear. That's my prediction for Wales.

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OK, first question today - and we only have a couple. It comes from Andrew Montague in England, who says: Robbo, is it me or a you just another bitter Northener?

Always bashing Chelsea and Veron, I guess you are just bitter over Geremi's departure. Veron performed against Liverpool and he will do for the rest of the season. Get over it!

As for Middlesbrough... ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha - Fulham... ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh my aching sides. Another year of mediocrity ahead for your lot then?

Well, he's obviously a Chelsea fan, with a name like Montague. I don't bash Chelsea needlessly or mindlessly, but they've spent a load of money and no-one else has, so they're up there to be shot at as far as I'm concerned.

Bring me sunshine

Veron always plays well when he joins a new club. He's a little diamond at the start, but I think you'll find when the going gets tough, the feeble get off the pitch.

Course he looks good at the moment, the sun's shining, he's in his South American element. But you just wait for the hard yard, sunshine.

As for Boro, we scored two goals away from home - that's a 2000% increase on last season.

I'm delighted, I don't care that we lost - if we can score two goals away from home every time, then we'll be laughing.

And of course you've got Mendieta on a year's loan.

Oh yes. He was absolutely pants for Spain in the World Cup, but hopefully he's got that out of his system.

Well let's just see how he performs when he has to get up on a cold Teesside morning in the middle of January.

On a cold Teesside morning, you could have just said. Even in the heat-wave we woke up cold.

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Next is Daniel Brazier from England, who says: South African captain Graeme Smith is pathetic - he's so over-rated and now he's moaning about our pitches because he can't face up to the fact he's rubbish and has got himself out a couple of times.

I think you're absolutely right, Daniel Brazier - because before the start of this Test, Smith was only averaging 130!

And yes, he got himself out for 277 in the first Test and 259 in the second - the fool!

And he didn't do so well at Trent Bridge, did he Daniel - because, let's see, he got 35 - which was a lot more than most of the England batsmen.

And of course second innings he was out lbw - hitting the ball. So you're right, Daniel - he's absolutely crap!

I think England could have won if they'd lost the toss

If he hadn't got himself out all these times, his average would be about 330 - and then we might be talking about him as a player.

But no, you're absolutely right, he's a shocking, disgrace of a batsman - and I'm glad he's not ours. You pillock!

Course he was moaning about the pitch, it was a shocking pitch. It was a brilliant pitch for England and hopefully the Headingley pitch will do us a few favours.

But if anyone thinks we'd have won that last Test match having lost the toss, you're living in cloud cuckoo land!

We got lucky, sunshine - but from an England point of view, keep preparing terrible pitches - that's what I say. You've got to make home advantage count.

Fair enough, Robbo. But to be fair to Daniel, Smith got out again in the first innings at Headingley.

Yes, all right - the first time he's been out in a conventional manner, playing an airy-fairy kind of shot. I think we can give him that one.

And the lad Kirtley is doing the business again.

Yes. He looks like he should be a fag at a public school with those impish, worried looks. "Kirtley, fetch me another glass of white wine" - "Yes, school bully".

And then there's 78-year-old Martin Bicknell back in the fray.

Well I'm amazed they've dragged him out of the county game, but I'm really pleased.

He's a fantastic bowler who does the right things, but the England selectors are about 10 years too late - again. We should have stuck with him at the time.

And finally, good luck to Kabar Ali, who was one of my picks earlier in the season.

He was indeed, as was Kirtley, so you're doing well, Robbo.

No prizes for guessing what Robbo will be up to

Aye, that should be my job - England selector.

I think they could do a lot worse.

Well, they do.

OK Robbo, that's about it. Enjoy the rest of the Test and the weekend. And of course it's a Bank Holiday weekend.

Marvellous - that means I can get absolutely hammered on Sunday night. I always like that.

Good on you. Speak to you next week.

OK sunshine - and hope your teeth sort themselves out.

Cheers Robbo.

Ta-ta, son.

Have Your Say: Do you agree with Robbo?