Grounds for celebration

By Derek "Robbo" Robson
The Tees Mouth

England Pitch In At Last

All right, let's not kid ourselves. There are two teams in this Test series and England aren't the best.

But at last someone's seen fit to play to what strengths the team do have. And that's the groundsman. Buy that man a roller!

What an ugly crumbly monster that surface looked by day four. Of course, all the bowlers had to do was bowl straight. So it still looked like a cast-iron defeat.

But the pixie-faced Kirtley came up with the goods and, blow me, if it isn't 1-1 with all to play for and no Pollock at Headingley!

Note to Yorkshire groundsman: we'd like an absolute shocker and a double-headed coin please!

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Campbell's Shambles

Come on Sol, you know the routine

Arsene Wenger's re-inventing football at Highbury. Whether it's the 3-4-2, or the 4-4-1 or the 4-1-3-1, le Professeur's team formations must assume that one of the 11 will be off the park before the orange segments are divvied up.

They must train with 10 men, Arsenal. And refs aren't picking on you! You're not so much Gunners as Loose Cannons. The new keeper's record's not great either so I can't see it changing.

And Henry could think long and hard in future before he blows kisses to opposition fans after putting them one down - or he might find his va-va-voom parked where the sun don't shine.

Overall, you're just as filthy a team as when the back four were all English. The truly irritating thing is they keep on bloody well winning.

I tell you, it won't last. Top four'll be a result if you keep this up, you mucky pups.

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Rottweiler Refs

It's not only the fans and the players who can't wait for the season to start, is it?

Them refs have been leashed up in their kennels, salivating over their notebooks and dribbling into their whistles for three whole months.

Out they burst and BINGO! it's one off here and another off there and ooh that's a penalty and ooh so's that! It's the same every August.

We need to put a bit of bromide in their tea, man. Or take the pea out of the whistles. Maybe we could bus them over to Australia so they can keep doing a bit of reffing during the summer months.

Somehow we've got to stop these blokes from getting over-excited in the summer sunshine. (Obviously whoever officiates at Highbury is exempt from such criticism. If you ref there you need rear-view and side-mirrors to catch what's going on.)

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Joke Hill

I agree with the lad Paul Casey. The USPGA from Oak Hill was pathetically boring golf from start to finish.

You'll remember this face (for about 10 minutes)

I'm proud of the Brits for doing so badly. Who'd want to win on a course like that, anyway? The rough was ridiculous.

We want to see golfers that flirt with danger, that manufacture amazing shots when they look completely out of it. Not straight-driving non-entities.

My grandson had more personality at one-day-old. A couple of blokes who no-one's ever heard of - or will ever hear of again - fighting it out cos they've learnt how to play it safe and make a decent living at the game.

Tedious beyond belief. I read that the winner, Micheel (I reckon it should be Michael but obviously some illiterate Everglades half-wit filled in the birth certificate) hit an amazing shot on the last green.

Well I missed that. I'd dropped off hours earlier and if it weren't for the beer spilling on to me crotch I'd have never woken up.

Incidentally, who the hell decided that three out of the four majors should take place in America? Was it the Americans by any chance?

It's no wonder faceless Yank after faceless Yank wins the bloody things. Can't we have one in Oz at least? Or is that giving everyone else too much of a chance?

Have Your Say: Do you agree with Robbo?