United for the title

By Derek "Robbo" Robson
The Tees Mouth

Hello Robbo.

Hello sunshine!

How are you?

I feel much better!

What a difference a couple of centuries make.

Don't they just - especially the one from the ex-skipper, who I was saying we should get rid of. It's always nice when I'm proved wrong - particularly as I'm the most perceptive commentator out there.

Exactly. I think we're all pleased for Nasser.

We're very pleased for him, he dug in and there was some good swearing when he got the ton.

But can I just say, Butcher - who played marvellously - was talking to someone on the television afterwards and said: "That was a bit better, wasn't it?" It looked like he wasn't too disappointed to get out for 106.

I think the standard's been set by the lad Smith who's been hitting double centuries, but still looks disappointed to be out.

Well it's been a good week all round for me - my football team scored five on the opening day.

Oh yes, QPR beat Blackpool 5-0. Seasiders go down, amusements everywhere for QPR fans.

And what about Chelsea, they seemed to make heavy weather of it in midweek, didn't they?

Well I don't know what the Beeb are doing showing these qualifying games - of course I watched it from start to finish, but I still don't think they should be on the telly.

Of course I'm not being paid too much!

I tell you what, though - I think that Veron's a complete waste of money. All this pretty passing doesn't have an end result.

He was the lynch-pin of the Argentina side for a couple of the games in the World Cup - exactly the same. Got it, knocked, got it knocked it - but it didn't get them anywhere.

The only thing I'm worried about is that Duff is going to turn out to be the buy of the season. If he happened to pick up a little knock early doors, I don't think they'd have any firepower.

We'll have to see. Anyway, first question today comes from Frankie in London, who says: OK Robbo - it's that time of year again, the season is finally upon us and I'm going to put a few bets on.

Before I do, can you give us your tips for who's going to win what - then I'll make sure I do the opposite.

Oh, right! They're getting really lippy these days, aren't they? I'd like to think of a tip I've given that's proved absolutely cast-iron correct, but I can't think of one off the top of my head, damn it.

OK, well Chelsea will win the Cup - they've got Cup written all over them, flash Harrys.

Man U'll win the Premiership - I hate to say it, but I can't see past them. I think Arsenal will finish third this season, they're on the wane.

Wenger will move on to pastures new and their defence is far too leaky for them to win owt.

Boro will win the Carling Cup - it sounds like a Mickey Mouse tournament to me, you probably get a four-pack and a trophy in the shape of an ale jug for winning. It's the sort of tournament that's got Boro written all over it.

Well done, Boro!

As far as the other divisions go, now I don't want to upset you here, Chris, but I can't see past your boys for Division Two.

Oh no, that's us relegated, then!

Then I'll go Forest for Division One and Yeovil for Division Three, because the teams that come up always do well.

Well, that's amazing - that's the same three I've backed, along with Man U.

Well you can't go wrong with them if you do them as an each-way accumulator. Forget the stock market, people - back Robbo's bets!

Premiership crystal ball

And by the way, I think Hearts will win the Scottish championship. Nah, I'm only joking!

So who do you think will win?

I don't care! It'll be the Gers or the Tics, one of the two - as we all know.

So as far as I can see, Frankie - you need to back Liverpool for the Premiership, West Brom for the First...

Hang on a minute, I said Man U for the Premiership...

I know what you said, Robbo - but remember, he said he wants to do the opposite.

Well he's obviously one of them cheeky Cockney sparrers who will take the mickey whatever - good luck to him!

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Now we're moving a bit further afield - to Hawaii, in fact.

Another cheeky Cockney sparrer

Hell-fire!

It comes from Karin Stanton in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii and says: Dear Robbo, me and my Dad like reading your column.

Dad was always a Brentford fan when he was growing up, but we need a London Premiership team to root for because those are the only games we get on the telly over here.

Obviously, we can't support Arsenal or Chelsea, ever. So that doesn't leave us many choices, does it? What's your advice, Robbo?

Also, it's Dad's birthday on 19 August, could you please say happy birthday? He'd print it off and frame it and hang it up in the bedroom (if mum lets him).

Well he sounds like a right sad lad your dad. If your mum lets him??!!

Well here we go, happy birthday Karin's dad - and I'd put your foot down if I were you, son. Hell-fire, you're the man of the house, the one wearing the shorts.

He probably looks even sadder in shorts and one of them big colourful palm tree shirts. Mind you, I wouldn't mind going out there - have you been?

I haven't - I've had to make do with Magnum and Hawaii Five-0.

Same here. But I notice you mention Arsenal and Chelsea, Karin. I'm sure Spurs fans will be delighted that they don't even get a mention in the same league any more.

Mind you, you're right - there's no point in backing them this season. Kanoute's not going to do much and who's that other fella, Postiga?

He could be quite useful - and they've also got Zamora from Brighton.

Well they should do better with all three of them, but I can't see it. The slough of despond it is, down there at White Hart Lane.

Book 'em Danno

I think it's a miserable place. The sooner they can get rid of the bible-basher from the top of the tree, the better.

You can't go for Fulham either because, like you say, you want to support a London club, not a rest home for French teenagers.

In which case, you've got to go for Charlton, haven't you? It's a good team - if you say you support Charlton, people will say "oh good on you, nice manager" and all that.

And Di Canio's just signed.

Yes he has - to give them that little bit of devil up front.

But yes, I think you'll do all right supporting them - trouble is, no-one ever films them playing football either, so you won't see them on the box.

Alternatively, Karin, every time Arsenal or Chelsea are on, just support the other team.

That's right, that's what we're doing - certainly with Chelsea.

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Now, finally this from Alan in Canada: Since Robbo thinks that women's cricket is played by such a bunch of cissies, why doesn't he volunteer to bat while the England bowlers practice against him?

He obviously won't need any protection from such 'weedy' bowlers, so no box, no pads, and definitely no helmet - there seems to be nothing between his ears to protect anyway. Still, what can you expect from a rugby league fan?

When you're ready, Robbo!

Ooh, Mr hoity-toity. Is he one of them blokes that likes to call himself a feminist?

He sounds like it.

Aren't they annoying? "Yes, I'm a bit of a feminist myself...."

Course you're not, you're a man! Where does feminine come into the description of who you are? You're a masculinist, son - always have been always will be.

Anyway, I'm more than happy to take on these women bowlers in the nuddy if needs be. As long as I can share the dressing room I'll be well happy.

I was wondering actually, do these ladies have to wear a box?

I don't know, Robbo.

Obviously they don't need a helmet, in fact they might be disqualified if they had one.

I did notice in one of the one-dayers that the English ladies scored a hatful in their 40 or 50 overs, whatever it was.

To be fair, they did cart it round a bit at Shenley - the only ground that's the size of a sixpence, obviously.

So well done girls. I notice the South African women only managed about 90, so they must be even more feeble.

Mind you, our men haven't been much better on the whole.

True, maybe the women need to have a bowl at the England boys before they take on a seasoned campaigner like me. That should sort the men out from the, er ladies.

Well there you go, Robbo's thrown the gauntlet down, so any aspiring lady cricketers who fancy bowling at him...

Naked - well, both of us naked. I might not spot the late movement then.

And maybe we can bring Karin's dad down to umpire in his Hawaiian shirt.

He'd be very welcome.

In fact, I'll have a word with my bosses and see if we can all go out to Hawaii on a jolly and do a bit of filming.

Hawaiian shirts look good on some people

That would be perfect. I know you can pull strings when it comes to jollies, so sort it!

OK Robbo, good luck for the first day of the season.

Aye, I'm sure we'll be happy as Larry come five O'Clock on Saturday.

And I take it you'll be cheering for Liverpool on Sunday as they're playing Chelsea?

Oh aye, up the Scousers. I think they'll do a bit better this season actually with Kewell.

OK Robbo, speak next week.

Will do and good luck for your boys - I hope the roll continues.

Cheers Robbo. Bye.

Ta-ta, son.

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