Too many chiefs

By Derek "Robbo" Robson
The Tees Mouth

Hello Robbo.

Hello son.

How are you - and how's that wee grandson of yours?

Aye, he's fine - but we've already been roped into baby-sitting duties. These youngsters don't make the same sacrifices as I did when I was in their position.

I mean sometimes I would come home before closing time to see the kids.

They don't know they're born, do they Robbo?

They don't - and my grandson definitely doesn't, I can guarantee you of that.

Well I'm sure in years to come you'll be talking sport with young Wilf, but for the moment you'll have to make do with me.

The first email comes from Peter in the UK, and he has this to say: I agree it was time for Nasser to go, but he could have given poor old Vaughany a bit more notice!

And how will Vaughan go about giving his former skipper a telling off if he needs one? It's like hiring your old headmaster to work for you!

Well if I hired my old headmaster, I'd treat him like a dog. But fortunately he's dead, which is a good thing. Sorry, but I hated the man - end of story.

Right then, Nasser. If I was Vaughany I'd give him the crap jobs - especially after he missed that sitter of a catch.

I'd put him at long leg, then mid-off, then third man and back to long leg several times between overs just to let him know who's in charge now.

But what will Vaughany do?

Go on, off you go

Well Vaughany's a nice lad - that's the trouble really. My only worry is all this consensual leadership (which sounds a bit dodgy to me). I think it means anyone who's got an idea can chip in.

I can see it getting to the stage where they've got discussion groups set up every 15 minutes. Particularly when Giles comes on, because you need at least one positional change per delivery when he's bowling.

And let's face it, the group stuff doesn't seem to be working in this Test - it could be a long day in the field for England.

And Nasser's Test career?

Well he might get to the end of the series, but he won't get beyond that.

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OK, next is Sean from England. He asks: Robbo, whose side are you actually on?

I've heard you lash Liverpool, Man U, Chelsea, Newcastle, Boro, Arsenal, the list goes on - but have you anything positive to say about anyone?

Well yes - if they've earned it. Unfortunately the teams listed there, with one honourable exception, are the teams I hate most.

They also happen to be the teams in the top five - I don't know if there's any correlation between those two statements.

Hang on, correlation?! That's a bit of a long word for me - is that right?

Yes, where did you pull that one from?

Cut me in half and you'll read 'Boro'

I don't know, Chris, I really don't. Anyway, as you know, I'm a Boro man through and through and if you cut me in half it would say 'The Boro', like Blackpool rock.

But nevertheless I'll slag them off too because they're a bit disappointing from time to time.

I say from time to time - throughout my entire life, in fact. So I'll slag off anyone who deserves a slagging, all right?

So are there any other teams you actually like, Robbo?

Well I don't like to talk about this really, but I do have soft spots for teams like West Ham - I can buy into that lovely, romantic Cockney knees-up thing.

I like teams who play lovely football, but never win owt.

Like QPR of old?

Yeah when Bowles and Givens were playing. Don't think there's much chance of that happening again though.

Er, no.

And to be fair I've even praised Arsenal to the hilt when they've been playing nice football, so it isn't all one-way traffic. But it is mostly.

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Now, Steve Scott in England says: I enjoy your page, it's quite funny and entertaining.

Oh, thanks.

Being a cyclist I have also found your anti-Tour de france bits funny too - although it's a bit like our lass saying footy is just 22 blokes running after a ball. Know what I mean?

You could get half a dozen on those seats

Well to be honest, football is just 22 blokes chasing around after a ball - that's why it appeals to the likes of me. Don't be fooled by the use of the word correlation - I'm a dimwit, me.

I like a straightforward game and that's the difference - footie is very straightforward. You 11 go this way, you 11 go that way and the one who gets the most balls in those bags at the end wins.

And the Tour de France should be straightforward too - a group of blokes riding their bicycles from one end of a road to the other. But it's not.

There's teams, jerseys, time trials, spotted jerseys, uphill bits, downhill bits, flat bits and it just goes on and on - which strikes me as a bit of a nonsense, frankly.

It should just be everybody piled together at the starting line, ride like hell through the night and the first one to the other side wins.

Forget all these team tactics and stuff .

And what about sticking them on, say, a Raleigh Chopper each or something like that?

That would be great, in fact you could have two men on each one and just swap over during the night, because the Chopper bikes would have enough room on the seat.

Yeah but they always had the warnings on that they weren't licensed to carry two passengers.

Those seats were big enough for three, you pillock!

Anyway, that lad Armstrong seems to have won the Tour a lot of times and this bloke Ullrich has come second about five times.

His lady wife will be delighted if he keeps that up. But nobody else will.

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Finally, Tom in Japan ends with this: I see Leicester beat Kings of Kuopio recently. Do all teams in Finland sound this exciting?

It's got to be better than calling every other team 'City' and 'United'.

Well for starters, Tom, I reckon you must be the only bloke to notice that Leicester beat whoever you just said they beat. I don't think even Leicester fans would have registered that result.

So it's Haw-hee-haw-hee-haws 2, Chesea 2

In fact, there's another team I can't stand - Leicester. There's no team with a more appropriate stadium name - Walkers. There's no pace in that team whatsoever.

They're a bit of an ale-house team and they're going straight back down.

But you can't argue wirth the fact that Kings of Kuopio is a great name. I think we should do a bit more of that over here.

In rugby league you've got the Bulls and the Rhinos, so why not? You could have the Monarchs of Middlesbrough, the Highbury Haw-hee-haw-hee-haws, Chelsea Exchequers, Liverpool Let-downs...

Maybe we could get people to send some in?

Well the thing is, we've got all these traditonal nicknames - like Northampton Town are the Cobblers (which again is very appropriate) - but they seem to have gone by the by, so maybe we need some new ones.

I mean Middlesbrough have always been The Boro, which shows the breadth of imagination in my home town.

Well we're Superhoops.

That just sounds like a breakfast cereal to me.

That's what they've been playing like in recent years. But anyone who wants to suggest some nicknames, please do.

Manchester Moaners - there you are, it's not hard, anyone can join in.

You heard the man. Enjoy your weekend, Robbo - no doubt you'll be babysitting Dazzling Darren's littlun again?

I hope not, I think it's about time he did some fathering, although he hasn't got much of a role model to be honest. I didn't see him until he was 11.

Oh dear. See you then, Robbo.

Ta-ta, son.

Have Your Say: Do you agree with Robbo?