You've Ben had, boys!

By Derek "Robbo" Robson
The Tees Mouth

The First Curtis The Cheapest

Spawny or what?! The lad from nowhere, Ben Curtis, wobbles along the back nine like a drunk on a pushbike and everyone just lets him get away with it!

Where are the mighty players of yesteryear who'd have gritted their teeth and clung on to glory no matter what?

Nah, these fellas treat the old claret jug like the ugliest woman at a barn dance. They just keep handing her on to the next bloke.

I'm sure some people thought it were great sport - I thought it was The Open that nobody won.

Like the one that Scotch potato-face lad Lawrie Paul won.... he was called summat like that any road. And you wonder whether we'll ever hear of Bjorn again, poor sap.

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Well hello Barichello

It's easy to forget that Rubens Barichello is a racing driver in his own right.

Always remember to look left and right before crossing

Sometimes it's easy to think of him as one of them elderly Rover 25 drivers who think it's okay to stay in the outside lane of the motorway doing 65.

Like Schumacher, you just have to remind them who's boss and they scuttle out of your way quick-smart.

Still, he wasn't half helped by the mad Irish kilt-wearing protester. Although it seems no one knows what he was protesting about.

Not sure anyone knew what that bloke was doing at Hockenheim a couple of years back either, when Rubens won again!

Coincidence? Or does Barrichello have access to a bunch of pro-Rubens saboteurs who are capable of bringing the safety car out at a moment's notice?

(Obviously he can't employ these types too often or he'd beat Michael - and frankly that's not his job.)

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Sandwich Bar Ridiculous

You know, I'm sure there's something we've forgotten, Jesper

All right, someone didn't sign someone else's something properly and so they've only got themselves to blame for being dumped out of the tournament.

That's the official line on the disqualification of Roe and Parnevik.

But come on! How many dopey duffers do they need in their so-called huts before one says 'Hold up mate you made a mistake here!'

There's TV cameras everywhere, course referees on hand at all times and tons of fans to back up the fact that nobody cheated!

They've not gained owt! So let them be! Golf is such a bloody stupid up-its-own-backside sport sometimes it makes me sick.

It's no wonder golf clubs across Great Britain are full of gin-sipping pillocks whose first concern is whether you've got your tie on properly.

Mark Roe would've won the Open at a canter when you look at the way the other Charlies played on the last day. It's a disgrace!

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Man U Mission Fails

United? Nah mate - too much like hard work

My lad Darren said say 'Man U Mission' cos it's a club somewhere in the Med and everyone will think you're dead up to date 'n' that. So there we are. I know youth stuff, me.

Thing is, when is someone going to want to join Man U again? Ronaldinho, Kewell, Duff, Vieira... they're not interested.

These are big players (although Kewell's a bit of a lazy Susan), so why not go to the biggest club in the world?

Well I say that Fergie's fury has reached their tender little ears and they've decided that as (more or less) schoolboy millionaires they'd rather not put up with that sort of crap.

Even if his highness resigns that only promises the arrival of Roy Keane in the manager's position. Hellfire!

It's no wonder a nice little continental tete-a-tete with the likes of Wenger, Houllier or Ranieri feels a lot more appealing. Good luck to 'em.

Let's hope the Theatre of Dreams has more transfer nightmares to come, eh?

Have Your Say: Do you agree with Robbo?