Robbo gets Loved up

By Derek "Robbo" Robson
The Tees Mouth

Robbo backs Davis Love III to win the Open, despite his 'silly name'. Plus chat on Chelsea paintball, Camembert cheese and Greavesy

Hello Robbo.

Hello son. You all right?

Yes thanks, are you?

Aye. I'm talking a bit quieter this week, because I've got me new grandson asleep in the next room.

I saw the picture you sent me, Robbo - he looks a little smasher.

Aye, he's a champion lad. But I've got the golf on, so we're laughing.

Well that brings me nicely round to the first question from David in England, who says: Will you be watching the Open? (Well, you've just answered that.)

It's surely the best sporting event of the year, says David. Who do you want to win and who do you think will win?

Well it's not the best sporting event of the year, is it really? There's the FA Cup final, there's...I could go on...although it's certainly a good way to pass the time for four days.

Who do I want to win? Well I suppose you always want a European player to win, especially after the Ryder Cup.

Sergio Garcia maybe, and I quite fancy that Thomas Bjorn lad. His eyebrows are a bit hairy, though - my wife wouldn't like him.

But you quite fancy him?

Well no, not in that way. I think he might win, but I definitely don't fancy him!

Oh I see.

That's another fine mess I've got myself out of

Of course, Clarke ought to have a chance, but I think he's trying to fill Monty's boots as the big fat Celt who failed at the last. Or the seventh in this case.

But I've checked the weather forecast and it's going to be bone dry for the rest of the tournament, so I think it might be one of them dull fellas from the States who'll win it.

Someone like Toms or Verplank or Davis Love III (as if it wasn't a crap enough name the first two times). Yes Davis Love III, that's my bet.

OK, we'll watch his progress with interest. Woods, of course, had a bit of a shocker on the first hole.

Yes, and wasn't that delightful? What a terrible opening shot. I'm so glad you spoke to me after he'd done that, otherwise I'd be tipping him.

Well I've got a bit of money on Woods, but it seems to have sprouted wings since I put it on.

The old guard were doing well early on, Greg Norman,Tom Watson - although Watson fell back at the end of his first round.

Aye, they'll get tired, though. Tom seems to do quite well in the first round of most majors these days - but he just gets tired, bless him.

Maybe they should have a 20-20 format for golf, like they've done in cricket, and play it over one round.

That would be good, maybe just nine holes - Tom would win every time!

But don't get too excited by Greg Norman - he'll wake up with a back spasm on one of the days and won't be able to get out of bed.

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OK. I'm sure we'll enjoy the rest of the tournament whatever. Next up is Alex James from the UK, talking about Chelsea.

He says: Are you really wound up because Chelsea are going to become the biggest club in England?

Why did I hit Emile Heskey?

If so, good - because we will be rubbing it in your face. Here's to the Premiership title and Champions' League for 2004/2005. It's already in the bag.

Well yes, Alex - I am really wound up. We both are, aren't we son?

Oh yes.

All across Europe at the moment, strange men in blue scarves are being arrested outisde football training facilities. They must have scouts everywhere.

There isn't a man-Jack on the continent who's not up for sale as far as Chelsea are concerned.

I don't know why they don't just put them all in a big stadium, lock them up and give Ken Bates a paintball gun. The ones he spatters with blue paint he gets to buy, the rest can go home.

That's what Houllier did last summer, come to think of it - I can't think how else he ended up with Cheyrou and Biscan. Let's hope Chelsea pick up a couple like that.

But I think Alex is getting a bit carried away here. He seems to forget that these players, flash as they may be and costly as they may be, will still be dressed in blue shirts and shorts.

They will still be Chesea players and I don't know whether it's the continental lager they drink or what, but they'll still always be showboat willies.

Up for the Cup and fatigue in the league, that's what I say. Up for the Cup and fatigue in the league - remember that, son. Fourth, that's where they'll finish - again.

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I hope you're right, Robbo. Now on to David Boycott in Yorkshire who says, with reference to your last interview: "Au fait"? Au what?!? And the Tour de France as well. What's going on? Have you gone soft?!

Is this some reference to the fact that I've used some French phrases?

Robbo won't be making that mistake again

I believe so.

Well you can't call the Tour de France the French Tour - you'd just sound like an idiot.

He sounds like one of those fellas you get down my local boozer.

I once came out of Sainsbury's with a bag full of shopping - just a small bag because I don't actually do the shopping - and because I'd got a bag in me hand, these blokes said: "Whooh, he's doing the shopping!"

Then they looked through me bag and found this bit of Camembert cheese and said: "Ooh la la! Why don't you just hand over our pound while you're at it?"

You know, they just go mad these Yorkshire types. All I can say is, SHUT UP! I suspect Sir Geoffrey's ashamed this bloke's got the same name as him.

But I'll try and say 'familiar with' next time instead of au fait - just for theYorkshire contingent.

So you're not going soft then, Robbo?

I'm not going soft, man, No. That's the last Camembert I ever had. It's hard cheese all the way now.

OK David, I hope that reassures you - but at the same time, lighten up, son.

Yeah - or you'll get a slap next time you're in Middlesbrough - and not a soft one either!

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OK, finally Adam, referring to your new grandson, Wilf, says: Wilf Mannion sounds as though he was just an average player.

What?! Carry on.

Come and get it, Jimbo!

Admittedly his career was spent with two unfashionable clubs (Middlesbrough and Hull City), but he still only managed one goal every four league matches.

Jimmy Greaves, on the other hand, scored 0.7 goals a game when he was at Chelsea. Maybe your next grandson should be called Jimmy?

Look son, you don't know anything about Wilf Mannion - you're probably too young to remember for starters. His career was not just about his strike-rate.

And it's pointless quoting Greaves at me, frankly, because he doesn't compare.

The only reason Greaves scored so many goals was because his managers used to stick a double vodka behind the goal at half-time as an incentive.

Wilf was a creator - he was in the Beardsley mould, the Zola mould - and besides, Wilf is a great name for a kid. He was the best player I could, er we could, think of to honour our Darren's lad.

I mean Zinedine Robson would be a bit much - and Yorkshire boy wouldn't have that either. What else is there - Diego Robson, Pele Robson...

Bryan Robson?

No, I don't even want to go there.

He's a good Middlesbrough boy, though.

Yes, all right. There's also Pop Robson as well, but we're going down memory lane and it's a long walk.

Right, well we'll leave it there - I know you're dying to get back to the Open - I can hear it in your voice.

Yes, I'm quite interested to have another look at Woosie's caddy.

OK, see you then, Robbo.

Ta-ta, son.

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