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Page last updated at 11:39 GMT, Tuesday, 6 October 2009 12:39 UK

Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Sir Alex Ferguson and Alan Wiley clash in April
Come on then - I'll race yer

"The pace of the game demanded a referee who was fit. He was not fit. You see referees abroad who are as fit as butchers' dogs. He was taking 30 seconds to book a player. He was needing a rest. It was ridiculous."
Sir Alex Ferguson claims Alan Wiley is not fit to referee after Manchester United are held by Sunderland.

BBC reporter:"People are going to ask me to ask you - are you going to stay on?"
Roy Keane:"I refuse to answer that question."
BBC reporter:"We'll take that as a yes, then?"
Roy Keane:"Take it whatever way you want."
Keano being interviewed following Ipswich's 3-1 defeat at Barnsley. If looks could kill....

"Yeah it looked a bit of a strange one but we've just seen it and I think it did hit his chest."
Portsmouth's Steve Finnan tries to keep a straight face when asked about the blatant penalty denied to Wolves after Marc Wilson clearly handled in the area.

"We saw Jaws from James Bond at our hotel. He looks frightening in real life, like in the film. We all had a group photo and he was pretending to choke some of us. He would make a good keeper judging by the size of his hands."
Bristol City goalkeeper Dean Gerken as the team meet an unexpected guest at their hotel in Newcastle.

"They're all drunk now but I've got a case of 12 empties for him because I know what he's like with money - he'll be looking for the returns!"
Burnley boss Owen Coyle reveals Birmingham's Alex McLeish sent him a case of Irn-Bru when Brum joined Burnley in the top-flight. The empties were all the Birmingham manager took from Saturday's game at Turf Moor.

"Thanks heavens Argentina don't watch him - he'd walk into their team. Whenever they ask for a video of him, I'll just send them ones of him making gaffes from about 10 years ago. They won't know the difference!"
Palace boss Neil Warnock wants goalkeeper Julian Speroni all to himself.

"It is not just about winning trophies - I can say that in the last five years I have won lots of trophies myself as a human, if you see what I mean, as well as footballing achievements."
Robin van Persie reveals his human side when asked about Arsenal's four-season trophy drought.

Subbuteo players
It's finger flickin' good

"We were like Subbuteo players - here, there and everywhere!"
Stoke midfielder Liam Lawrence puts his finger on why they lost to Man Utd.

"I cannot be in three places at one time - I can manage two, but not three."
Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie backs himself to defy the laws of physics at Celtic Manor.

"It was absolute murder. I apologise to the people who are having to pay to watch that."
Falkirk boss Eddie May admits his side's goalless draw with Kilmarnock was criminal.

"He probably just felt a fly land on his nose."
Schalke Striker Kevin Kuranyi defends team-mate Manuel Neuer, following Kevin Grosskreutz's accusation that the keeper elbowed him after Saturday's game with Borussia Dortmund.

"I have my lederhosen ready and I am a party animal so I'm looking forward to the visit."
Bayern Munich manager Louis van Gaal provides a good reason not to visit the famous Oktoberfest beer festival.

"The thing I have learned from this game is that the world is round and it is going to come back somewhere in his captaincy. It will be interesting to see how he handles it if it happens again."
Graeme Smith's response to Andrew Strauss refusing him a runner in their ICC World Trophy game.

"They scored from a hoof...I thought that was the way we were supposed to score!"
Bolton boss Gary Megson on Spurs' first goal in the 2-2 draw at the Reebok.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"We've got a mobile number here, 416066!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd after Paul Collingwood's expensive over to Shane Watson in the Champions Trophy semi-final. (Jas Singh, UK).

"On another day, they both would have scored today."
Graeme Souness on Sky after Chelsea v Liverpool. I'm sure it made sense in his head! (Piet, Bromsgrove).

Klingon
Coventry could not cling on for victory

"A superb free-kick from 20 yards out by Clingan, it must have been out of this world."
Jeff Stelling on Gillette Soccer Saturday commenting on a free-kick scored by Coventry's Sammy Clingan. (Jeff, Lancashire).

"Today, their best out-field player was the goalkeeper!"
Doncaster manager Sean O'Driscoll following his side's 0-0 draw with Swansea. (Oli, Warwickshire).

"We did not score goals and so we lost the game."
Samson Siasia, Nigeria's Under-20 Football team coach states the obvious after his team lost 2-0 to Spain in the Fifa Under-20 Cup. (Wale Fatade, Nigeria).

"It was never a 3-0 scoreline."
Charlton manager Phil Parkinson defending his side's 3-0 loss to Colchester. Kinda was though... (Jonny, UK).

"That boy has more dummies than Mothercare."
Pat Nevin talking about Paddy McCourt during Celtic's game with Rapid. (Gerard Lawless, Ireland).

"This group of players are pretty tight."
Portsmouth manager Paul Hart talking about the delay in his players' wages. (Mo Patel, Bolton).

"The goals changed the game for us."
Scunthorpe boss Nigel Adkins after his side went down 2-0 at Forest. (Patrick, England).

"We know in sport there's no room for complacency. We've come forward with some recommendations and now our job is to take those recommendations forward."
Lawrence Dallaglio on the RFU task group. (Paul Wileman, England).

"He felt his groin after training on Sunday."
Sir Alex Ferguson on Michael Owen. (Chris, Wales).

"There's a terrific atmosphere here (at Fiorentina), they always have passionate crowds in France."
Chris Waddle gets his countries mixed up during Fiorentina-Liverpool. (Sam Milne, England).

"Well, he just can't stop scoring!"
Ken Bates on the arrival of striker Lucianno Becchio's baby daughter. (Oliver, Malton).

"We had three French officials and a French manager of one of the teams. I don't think the referee was biased but a goal was offside."
Olympiakos manager Zico after Arshavin's goal in the Champions League, which he didn't think was biased at all! (George Uppington, Bristol).

'Brilliant' character from Fast Show
Brilliaaaannnnttt!!!

"I thought we were excellent, it's never easy to play against 10 men but we were brilliant. Every goal was brilliant and I'm delighted with the lads. Since I've been here, the lads have been brilliant for me."
Norwich boss Paul Lambert is obviously a fan of the Fast Show character. (Olly).

"Get him tied down dear. Rings are cheap now!"
Sir Alex Ferguson puts Jonny Evans' girlfriend under pressure when discussing footballers getting married. (Shiraz, Harrow).

"I've literally been in management for two minutes."
Roy Keane on BBC2 before the Ipswich v Newcastle game. He must have been spending too much time with Jamie Redknapp! (Mark Harding, England).

"You have to expect that from Tim Cahill, he's got the ability to do the completely unexpected."
Commentator on The Quay radio station during the first half of Pompey's 1-0 loss to Everton. (Dave, Surrey).

"Man United may only get three or four chances against you, but they can end up scoring three, four, even five from them."
Clark Carlisle on MOTD2. (Matt the Villain, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Your head's too big for you!"
Ipswich fans to the Barnsley mascot, Toby Tyke, whose head really was too big for him! (Hannah, Suffolk).

"We're not pointless anymore!"
Southampton fans after beating Gillingham 4-1 to get their points tally into positive figures. (Corey Neale, England).

"We don't need no health and safety,
We don't need no ground control,
We're just here to support the Boro
....Hey, stewards, leave our fans alone!"
To the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall, sung at Boro-Reading as fans at the front were told to sit down. (Philip Gibbons, England).

"We're the red and white library!"
Exeter fans taking the mickey out of their own home support. (Keiran, England).

Darren Ferguson and dad Sir Alex
Dad, any chance you could lend us Giggsy?

"Darren, Darren call your dad!"
Heard in the away end at Peterborough v Forest. (Richard, Nuneaton).

"Who did you support before?"
Leeds fans question the football fidelity of their MK Dons hosts. (Adam, England).

"You've been hit by, you've been struck by... Lee Cattermole."
Sunderland fans at Old Trafford to the tune of Smooth Criminal.

"Yeaaaaaaah..... And Bent is on fire!"
More from Sunderland fans (to the tune of Sex Is On Fire by Kings of Leon). (Liam Turner, England).

"Are you Seaman in disguise?"
Cardiff fans to Watford goalkeeper Scott Loach after an amazing 50-yard free kick by full-back Adam Matthews floated over his head. (Dan Miller, UK).

"We want six!"
Wolves fans at Old Trafford when the board went up showing three minutes added-time. (Stuart, Scotland).

"Arriva Stadium's our home ground,
"We think that our team's well sound,
"To get in it costs four pound,
"We're Marine AFC.
"M.A.F.C (clap clap), M.A.F.C (clap clap), M.A.F.C, M.A.F.C, M.A.F.C (clap clap)."
From the Marine Band in the Stand to the tune of the Addams Family.(Dan Ashcroft, Liverpool).

(SORT OF) STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK

"Once again, we apologise for the delay arriving to Cambridge, but it's all Arsenal's fault for playing at the wrong time."
British Rail's tongue-in-cheek list of excuses grows increasingly desperate. (Stephen Thompson, UK).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"I'm only here because the ticket was free."
Spotted at Home Park during Plymouth v Nottingham Forest. (Andy, UK).

"Who kicked the dogs out? Who who who who?"
At rugby league's NRL Major semi-final where the Parramatta Eels defeated the Canterbury Bulldogs. (Michael, Australia).



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