Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

"Today I spoke in Italian."
Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti following the 3-1 defeat by Wigan, after being asked to confirm whether he reverts to his native tongue when angry.

"I usually last a couple of minutes here before the abuse starts, but it was minus 30 seconds today."
Neil Warnock goes sub-zero at West Brom but has the last laugh as his Crystal Palace side nick the points.

"There is no better psychological education than growing up in a pub... I learned about tactics and selection from the people talking about football in the pub - who plays on the left wing and who should be in the team."
Arsene Wenger - the drinking man's thinker.

"That is the sort of forward thinking that I think the game requires."
Graeme Swann gives the thumbs-up to India coach Gary Kirsten for suggesting that having sex before games improves performance.

"Manchester United are arguably the best team in Europe. We are snotty-nosed kids coming up from the Championship."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy is not too concerned about having United as their bogey team.

"You talk them up, what these guys can do, and then you wake up on the Saturday morning and you've got a big custard pie stuck in your face."
Hibernian boss John Hughes won't tolerate any clowning around at Easter Road, following reports that striker Anthony Stokes was involved in a nightclub fracas.

"He is married and a perfect husband, so sorry for the women, but they will not have any chance."
Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez breaks the hearts of Fernando Torres' female admirers.

"I'm here to announce the end of my second career… just joking."
Tennis comeback queen Kim Clijsters has them rolling in the aisles at the start of a news conference to announce her schedule for 2010.

"If this was a first date they haven't even taken our order yet, the night might turn out to be rubbish, she might walk out on me. Who's to say what will happen?"
Ian Holloway is falling in love with Blackpool following their win over Peterborough - or is he?

Blackpool are lighting up the Championship

"I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark."
Yep, he's definitely in love.

"It's been like going out to sea and catching a massive sea bass - certainly a huge surprise, even for those involved."
Sampdoria coach Angelo Palombo knows his side are small fish in a big pond after winning their first four games of the season.

"We have a trump card at the moment with Charlie, as his left foot is a wand."
Aberdeen manager Mark McGhee thinks Charlie Mulgrew is magic.

"Giving a penalty to someone else because you feel sorry for him, because he has not scored, is the sort of thing you do in the school playground, not the Premier League."
Sunderland manager Steve Bruce gets steamed up after regular penalty-taker Darren Bent grants a gentleman's-excuse-me to Kenwyne Jones in the 5-2 win over Wolves.

"Sometimes you wake up and feel like you'll score. I didn't!"
Four-goal Robbie Keane after his dream performance against Burnley for Spurs.

"If I'd been sitting in with the crowd I'd have joined in the booing!"
Coventry boss Chris Coleman after his side trailed Middlesbrough at half-time.

"John didn't see the punch coming and didn't bob and weave. He should have watched Floyd Mayweather last week, then he wouldn't have got caught!"
Gillingham boss Mark Stimson after Josh Gowling was floored by Grant Holt.

"It wasn't a punch. Gowling was pushing me from behind and I was just feeling where he was."
Holt gives his version of events. We believe you, Grant.

"I had to phone Jayden's school on Friday to get permission for him to play - that's a new one on us."
Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe after naming 16-year-old Jayden Stockley on the bench to face Burton.

AND SOME FROM YOU

Keep it on, Pat!

"We looked like a woman who's got a big fur coat on and underneath she's got no knickers."
Micky Adams slates his Port Vale team after losing 3-1 to Notts County. (Lee The Gooner, England).

"And to teams like Bashley, the prospect of playing in the second round of the FA cup is like the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
BBC Solent commentator during the Bournemouth match, briefly updating the FA cup score at Bashley. (Meg Stacy, England).

"I suppose you could say he has almost single-handedly brought professional boxing to a very, very high level here. Along with the likes of Matthew Lee, Andy Macklin...and others."
RTÉ pundit Mick Dowling after Bernard Dunne loses his world title. (Freddie Mills, England).

"I think Burnley made Hull look really solid!"
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day after watching Burnley concede five and Hull six. (George, Cornwall).

"Yedba is a different kind of player to Mokoena....he is quite talented."
Paul Walsh commentating on the substitution of Pompey player Mokoena during ESPN's coverage of Portsmouth-Everton. (Mark, USA).

"Steve Howard is 5/1 to score first today. You know what, I fancy him!"
Heard during BBC Leicester's match commentary of Leicester v Preston. Looks like Howard has an admirer! (Barry, Canada).

"Unfortunately they just haven't had their shooting or heading boots on today - or whatever you wear on your head when you head the ball."
Steve Claridge during 5 live's coverage of Pompey v Everton. (Tom Franklin, Nottingham).

"There's only one place they're going next weekend, Leeds or St Helens."
Eddie Hemmings on Sky (Huddersfield v Catalan). Surely that's two places? (Neil, Nottingham).

"To win the Champions League you go to Man United and I'm probably at Wigan at the moment. I'll probably have to make that step to do it."
Who's going to break the news to Roberto Martinez that Bradley Wiggins has requested a January transfer? I'm sure he'll be devastated. (Cunnah, UK). Wiggins was actually talking about leaving current cycling team Garmin-Slipstream to realise his ambition of winning the Tour de France - Ed.

Young man!

"He's caused England many problems over the years, this young man."
Bob Willis during the England-Sri Lanka group game of the ICC Champions Trophy - talking about 37-year-old Muttiah Muralitharan, who is due to retire next year! (Shiraz, Harrow). It's all relative when you're Bob's age! Ed.

"Well Denly didn't do much wrong there apart from miss the ball with his bat."
Willis again. Isn't that a key factor of cricket? ( Matt Lawson, England).

"Anderson's keeping it tighter than Muammar Gaddafi's forehead."
Excellent comment from Ben Dirs on the England v Sri Lanka BBC text commentary. (Martyn Werrett, UK).

"There are 46 games in the season and we've played just eight of them so far. There are still 30 left so we are not worried."
Defender Shaleum Logan on Tranmere's plight at the bottom of League One. Clearly he's as bad at maths as he is defending! (Dan Brown, Wirral).

"Newcastle had a lot of players making their debuts tonight, some of them haven't played many games for Newcastle at all."
Scott Minto on Sky Sports News not fully grasping the term 'debut'. (Colin S, England).

"Looking at the situation, I would pretty much expect Jensen to fix this title."
Michael Schumacher uses an unfortunate turn of phrase given recent F1 controversies when speaking to BBC Sport. (Alex Wilkinson, London).

"A game behind closed doors is not worth watching."
Graham Taylor talking about possible repercussions of recent events involving Man City players. Does that not miss the point somewhat?! (Michael Walters, Northern Ireland).

"My eyes aren't great and my ears are worse."
Arsene Wenger on his diminishing senses. (Asim Nazir, UK).

"I had planned to go (to the Brownlow), and I had a really good plan in place to get there. But it's fair to say I miscalculated a few things, and as such didn't execute the plan all that well."
Aussie Rules star Jason Akermanis explains his no-show at the Brownlow (Best and Fairest award ceremony) after a Mad Monday drinking bender. (Stryker, Australia).

"I brought his suit with me, ready to get him all dressed, but he was not in a state to be seen in public."
Akermanis' wife, Megan, confirms the worst.

"I think he will end up getting 10 league goals, which will be a wonderful achievement for someone so fat!"
Cheltenham manager Martin Allen continues his joking about striker Julian Alsop, whom he called a "grisly lump of lard" last week. (Dave P, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Fergie, Fergie - what's the time?"
Stoke fans chant to Sir Alex Ferguson, who then showed them his watch.

You can take the boys out of Tottingham...

"Chas 'n' Dave's blue and white army!"
Spurs fans on Saturday, following the news Tottenham fans Chas 'n' Dave had split up. (Justin, North London).

"Are you Arsenal in disguise?"
Spurs fans to Preston after going 5-1 up in the Carling Cup - the same score they defeated Arsenal by in the 2007/08 competition. (Jack, England).

"He used to work in the Co-op!"
Bradford City fans welcome their new striker James Hanson, who had to work his notice at the supermarket before making his debut at the club.(Johnno, UK).

"You may be Posh, but you're not Royals!"
Reading fans to Peterborough counterparts. (Helen, Reading).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"We had Sol but he's not a soldier."
Banner seen as Notts County after the departure of Campbell. (Based on The Killers' 'I got soul but I'm not a soldier' lyrics). (Joe, UK).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?