Hughes and Wenger - best of enemies
"You ask 100 people, 99 will say it's very bad and the 100th will be Mark Hughes."
Arsene Wenger crosses Hughes off his Christmas card list after the Manchester City manager defended Emmanuel Adebayor's alleged stamp on Robin van Persie.
"If somebody stamps on your head in that way, you wouldn't say, 'thank you very much' and turn the other cheek. Only Jesus Christ did that."
Wenger backs Van Persie for speaking out about the unholy incident.
"I don't know what I have done wrong to get banned."
Adebayor protests his innocence to The Sun. Are you going to tell him or am I?
"I don't watch Match of the Day, I watch Coronation Street instead. The omnibus edition."
Portsmouth boss Paul Hart - and who can blame him?
"Steven Gerrard could play right-back and still be effective because these are world-class players. I wish he had been at right-back, though!"
Burnley boss Owen Coyle after seeing his side stuffed by Liverpool.
"The fans should bring their boots, especially if they can play at the back. And my hip's feeling a bit better, so we'll see."
Neil Warnock ponders plan B after Crystal Palace are thumped 4-0 by Scunthorpe.
"Before the game he spoke five languages - his native Costa Rican, Portuguese, Spanish, French, plus a smattering of English. Now that's up to six because he learned bad language after listening to me bawling at half-time!"
Bristol City manager Gary Johnson swears by new signing Alvaro Saborio following the 1-1 draw at Coventry.
"I've not met Briatore yet. I'm glad he wasn't here today, otherwise he might have sent me back to Wigan himself!"
QPR loan signing Ben Watson after his mistake led to Peterborough's goal on his debut. I think Briatore might have bigger fish to fry at the moment - Ed.
"It is a basket-case of a club...I will resist the urge to write a book, although I think it will sell more copies than JK Rowling!"
Newcastle keeper Steve Harper believes life at St James Park is just wizard.
"This was not a defeat. It was a humiliation."
Croatia coach Slaven Bilic after the 5-1 loss to England.
"It's like Alan Partridge living out of a suitcase."
Goalkeeper Scott Flinders on latest club Hartlepool - the fifth side he has been loaned to by Crystal Palace.
"I've had loads of red cards. I think there is me and Patrick Vieira as the most red-carded players in the history of the Premier League, so I'm in good company."
Richard Dunne is not proud of his disciplinary record - or is he?
"I only just started watching tennis at the start of this year, to be honest. I didn't really have that much time with a baby running around, and I was happy just to sleep when she was sleeping."
US Open champion Kim Clijsters, who defied the odds to capture a Grand Slam after a 27-month lay-off spent feeding and sleeping.
"Strengths: Movement, power, fresh. Weaknesses: her daughter."
US TV channel gives its verdict on Clijsters at the start of the tournament.
"I was thinking that maybe I should have a baby and then I'll come back faster."
Serena Williams figures winning the US Open is child's play.
"If I could I would take this f******* ball and shove it down your f******* throat."
But she won't be winning mum-of-the-year awards with outbursts like this to a line judge in the semi-final with Clijsters which cost her the match.
"I'm very pleased to be here. I don't know how he does it, I wish I did!"
Britain's Marlon Devonish on finishing sixth behind the irrepressible Usain Bolt in the 200m at the World Athletics Final.
AND SOME FROM YOU
Sutil is pleased with his work
Adrian Sutil when asked if he knew who the gorgeous young woman standing next to him was while being interviewed after the Monza GP.(Conrad Edkins, Halifax).
"He ran the length of the pitch. I thought it was Usain Bolt!"
Phil Thompson on Emmanuel Adebayor's goal celebration against Arsenal. (Shiraz, Harrow).
"For me, I always study the last games that have been played, not what happened in the past."
Fabio Capello. Er...so that would be the recent past, then? (Floyd Murray, South Africa).
"Ireland couldn't decide whether to take the ball inside or shoot himself!"
John Motson on Match of the Day explaining the apparent life-or-death decision facing Stephen Ireland. (Will R, England).
"Certainly we saw the best of it in those highlights."
Steve Claridge on the Sheffield Wednesday-Nottingham Forest game, Football League Show. (Paul B, UK).
"Phil, if the whole of Abu Dhabi is playing for Arsenal, are you telling me there's a gulf between the two sides?"
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday, after Phil Thompson mispronounces Abou Diaby's name. (Shiraz, Harrow).
Sheringham - harsh but fair
"Without being too harsh, Croatia were appalling."
Teddy Sheringham at half-time during the England-Croatia game. (Benni Sluckis, England).
"Why do I want to be in the business when you're getting robbed? At least Dick Turpin has a mask on when he robs you."
Boxing promoter Frank Maloney feels slightly aggrieved by referee Terry O'Conner's decision against his boxer John McDermott on Friday night. (Chris Sutherland, Scotland). Get well soon, Frank - Ed.
"There are some places in Brazil where the boys do not have the same conditions or treatment we have here. It is less-well medically, psychologically and footballistically."
Arsene Wenger invents yet another new word, when describing how much better it is for youngsters to train at Arsenal than it is in Brazil.(Mark Bodwell, Canada).
What darts commentator Tony Green kept calling Robbie GREEN by mistake during the BDO World Masters. Made worse by the fact he shares the same surname! (David Bedlow, England).
"Scotland 2, Macedonia 0, Bryan McFadden with one of the goals."
BBC Northern Ireland's Stephen Watson reading half-time scores during Poland-N Ireland game. (Keith, Northern Ireland). At least it took Bryan's mind of Kerry Katona - Ed.
"No need to put your hand up, mate, we know it's you."
ITV commentator when the Croatian goalkeeper raised his hand after the fifth goal went in against England following his error. (M A, UK).
"If this was a boxing match it would have been stopped already."
Teddy Sheringham at half-time during England v Croatia. (Bean, Darlaston, England).
On no...not Pickles
"43rd over - 186-2: White skies one and Bresnan drops a dolly coming in from long-on. Bresnan looks like a man who has accidentally run over his nan's pet cat. Strauss looks like his nan."
From BBC live cricket commentary by Ben Dirs. (Alison, England).
"Once they scored it, of course it was going be to a completely different ball game."
BBC Three Counties radio coverage of Oxford v Luton. (Sam Hollis, England).
"Brett Lee's G-string snapped."
Sir Ian Botham talking about the Aussie quick performing on his guitar the night before the match at the Rose Bowl. (Amy, Buckinghamshire).
"Diego can adapt to play as a second striker. Del Piero is a forward. Both players are intelligent champions and I think they will play with their eyes closed."
Zvonimir Boban describing the secret to being a successful footballer.(Timothy, Barbados).
"Tshabalala plays his football for the Kaizer Chiefs, presumably he never misses a beat!"
Sky Sports commentator on Republic of Ireland v South Africa. (Gavin, Bristol).
"4. Courtney Lawes - has a girl's name, but I won't tell him that to his face."
606 fan describing his Premiership RFU team of the week.(Andrew Barker, Netherlands).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"There's only one Michael Jackson, one Michael Jackson. There used to be two, but now there's just you, walking in a Jackson wonderland."
In honour of the Marine FC midfielder. (Noel Fleming, England/Northern Ireland).
"You're not signing anymore!"
Stoke City fans to Chelsea. (Rich, UK).
"I'd rather drive a Rolls Royce than a Forde!"
Gillingham fans to Millwall keeper David Forde - the Gillingham goalkeeper is Simon Royce! (Lou Turner, England).
"If Heskey plays for England, Hibbo can!"
Heard at the Prostar Stadium as Dave Hibbert fired in his sixth goal of the season for Shrewsbury against Crewe. (Sam, Shrewsbury).
"You've got a scoreboard from Lidl!"
Worthing fans to Croydon Athletic in FA Cup. (Brad, Worthing).
"We're not English anymore!"
Sang to Slaven Bilic during the thrashing at Wembley. (Mat, England).
Oh all right, it was me
"Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? Brian Jensen, Brian Jensen he ate all the pies!"
Chelsea fans behind Burnley's stocky keeper. (Krishan Khatri, India).
"Have you ever seen a beach?"
Torquay fans to Bournemouth supporters at Plainmoor on Saturday. Hilarious when comparing our seven miles of golden sandy beach with 60 yards of mud. (Graham, Bournemouth). Ooh, look out - beach wars! Ed.
Delph - I need somebody,
Delph - not just anybody,
Delph - you know I need someone....DEEEEEEEELLLLLPH!"
A song I'd like to get up and running at Villa Park this season in honour of Fabien Delph (Sung to the tune of 'Help' by The Beatles). (Carl Davies, Birmingham).
"Stand up if you paid too much."
Stockport fans comment on the £26 ticket price at Elland Road. (Andy Pechey, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"The fourth official has indicated two minutes added time to the first half. In association with Specsavers."
Stadium announcer at Hillsborough during Forest game after a poor refereeing display. (Adam, Nottingham).
"Try for Bath - I haven't got a clue who scored it though!"
Stadium announcer at the Bath v Wasps Premiership match. (Ed, Bath).