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Page last updated at 10:26 GMT, Wednesday, 9 September 2009 11:26 UK

Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Wayne Rooney and David Beckham
Notts County? Who are they?

"Ha ha! No. I haven't spoken to Sven for a while!"
David Beckham is plotting his next career move - but it won't be with Notts County.

"You can't drive a space shuttle and expect not to have pressures."
Croatia coach Slaven Bilic compares himself to an astronaut ahead of the England game.

"I support West Ham and Arsenal."
There's only two teams in London as far as Dizzee Rascal is concerned.

"I'd rather eat glass than watch that s***. What's that all about?"
But he ruins his chances of another Lily Allen duet with his comments about cricket.

"My jaw has healed well but I can't close my left eye so I have to wear a patch. I look like a pirate!"
St Helens scrum-half Sean Long after suffering nerve damage during surgery on his broken jaw.

"If we do not concede we will go away from the game with at least a point."
Northern Ireland defender Jonny Evans ahead of the Poland game. No flies on you, eh Jonny?

"One is powerless to do anything sitting in the stands, one has fleas in one's pants."
Chelsea's Florent Malouda gives France coach Raymond Domenech a flea in his ear after being left out of the side to play Romania.

"This guy came out of the gate and grabbed me and I grabbed him by the ear and I kicked him in the groin. So he had to let me go and he threatened my life, and I got really annoyed about that and just grabbed him by the ear and the hair."
Australian swimming legend Dawn Fraser may be 71 but you still wouldn't mess, as an intruder to her Sunshine Coast home found out to his cost.

"Bye-bye, bye-bye, and bye-bye again. It's too many questions about what I'm going to do, why I'm retiring, and this and that. I answer the same question, I don't know, a thousand times. Just go on Google and you have the same answer."
Marat Safin is beginning to wish he'd never told anyone he was retiring.

Lioness with her cub at London Zoo
Anyone for tennis?

"Here, for the first few days it's like a zoo. It's like a million people running around, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, so many people. That's pretty much annoying."
Safin has pretty much fond memories of Flushing Meadows.

"I feel a little bit like a ballerina."
Caroline Wozniacki is all of a twirl about her Stella McCartney outfit at the US Open.

"How can you report on tennis and not know that?"
Andy Murray after a US reporter asked him who Fred Perry was.

"He made it look and feel like I served it underhanded out there sometimes."
Taylor Dent is put in his place by Murray.

"There's something going round our fantasy football league - it's called 'Rossing', which means to copy other players' teams to gain an advantage."
Meanwhile, Murray has more important things on his mind - like best mate Ross Hutchins cloning his fantasy football team.

"It's actually 'Andying' which has been going on, which is taking a computer from my room to his, copying my team down and that's the reason he's two points behind with basically the same team."
But Hutchins is having none of it - although Murray's US Open exit means he can devote more time to his hobby. Every cloud.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"We went shopping for a big strong centre-forward at the start of the season, but couldn't afford the players we wanted. If you go shopping at Sainsbury's and ask for a fillet steak but can't afford it, you have to find something else and we've ended up with a gristly old fatty lump of lard up front - but it tasted good."
Manager Martin Allen on Cheltenham re-signing Julian Alsop! (Matt Bunney, England).

"We are beginning to see signs of them gelling together."
Celtic ladies' manager Robert Docherty after they beat Kilmarnock 21-0! (Declan Robert, Scotland).

"The man who literally tore the legs off his team-mate Gilberto Simoni in 2004."
Eurosport commentator David Harmon describing Damiano Cunego during the Vuelta a Espana for Eurosport. That's a fit of pique worthy of a Premier League manager! (ASims, UK).

Dewi Morris
That's a lot of issues

"I've literally been tearing my hair out over the issue of uncontested scrums."
Dewi Morris. That actually explains a lot, Dewi. (James Foster, Southampton).

"If the diving police were in Belfast that day, he would have left the stadium in handcuffs."
Andy Townsend, discussing a Slovenian player's dive against Northern Ireland. Maybe Fifa should invest in diving police? (Richard Moore, Frinton-on-Sea).

"He looks offside, but who cares?"
Commentator during the Poland-Northern Ireland match after Kyle Lafferty had scored. (Adam, England).

"And now Defoe can open his legs and go."
ITV commentator telling us something we really didn't need to know during England v Slovenia. (Richard, UK).

Jeff Stelling: "John, I can't believe there are people leaving the stadium with the game like this..."
John Salako: "The game has finished, Jeff."
Banter on Sky's Soccer Saturday after the MK Dons-Huddersfield game which finished 2-3. (Andrew Ebling, England).

"It's a major adjustment, but a minor one, if you know what I mean."
Alastair Cook (talking to Sky Sports News) on his change of technique. (Joe Richards, England).

"Coventry's Sammy Clingan has struck his penalty wide of the far post."
Stated by a 5 live commentator. Surely there is not a far post when taking a penalty? (Adam, Leamington).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Tun-cay, cay - Huth, Huth, Abdoulaye!"
Stoke fans' chant at the Sunderland game in honour of their two new signings and popular skipper, to the tune of Too Shy by Kajagoogoo. (Jez Leese, BVI).

"BN-BN, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. BN-BN, doo-doo-doo-doo. BN-BN, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo."
Hartlepool fans sing the BN biscuits advert song after Dennis Behan (Bee-en) scores a free-kick). (John, England). Older viewers may know the tune as Meh-na-meh-na from the Muppets (or The Office) but here's a link to the ad anyway - Ed.

"Who needs Thierry? We've got Karl Henry. He's not a Frenchman, he's from Wolverhampton."
Wolves fans to their midfielder. (Simon James, England).

Burgers and chips
And who can blame him?

"You're only here for the burgers!"
Leeds fans taunt a stocky Stockport fan. (Glyn Baverstock, England).

"Maybe next time you'll beat Robert Huth!"
To the tune of La Roux, Bulletproof. Sang in the pub by Stoke fans. (Simon, UK).

"What's that at the top of the league, is it The Oxford, is it The Oxford..."
To the tune of The Automatic's Monster. It certainly livened up the terrible 0-0 bore-draw against Forest Green! (Andy Smith, Hants).

"Five feet four, five feet foouurrr. We've got Arshavin - **** Adebayor!"
Arsenal fans to the tune of the Beach Boys' Sloop John B. (Martyn Makinson, England).

"You've been hit by, you've been struck by... Lee Cattermole!"
Sunderland fans on their summer signing. To the tune of Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson. (Darragh Crummie, Switzerland).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"Obviously when the bowlers are running in at 90mph, a turn of the ankle can be serious."
An announcer at Old Trafford trying to justify the decision to call off the second Twenty20 between England and Australia because of rain. I'm glad there is someone out there who can give Usain Bolt a run for his money! (Ashley Shakibai, England).

"Don't be fooled by the sunshine, it'll be snowing in 20 minutes."
PA announcer at Oldham welcoming Hartlepool fans to Boundary Park on Friday. (Clare Smith, England).



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