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Page last updated at 11:51 GMT, Wednesday, 2 September 2009 12:51 UK

Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Arsene Wenger in the Old Trafford crowd
Now what?

"The penalty decision was Old Traffordish."
Words can't describe how Arsene Wenger feels about a Man Utd spot-kick - so he makes one up.

"It was weird, spectacular. I didn't even know where to go...just because I kicked a bottle of water, I didn't say a word to anybody. And it was quite a good kick."
Wenger after being sent off at Old Trafford and forced to stand with United fans.

"It is a witch-hunt. What else is it?"
The Arsenal boss fears dark forces are at work after Eduardo is charged over the dive against Celtic.

"It's just the two of us. We'll probably ride out in the sunset together."
Sir Alex Ferguson on his relationship with Wenger.

"It's clear, of course, everyone expected three wins in a row and to win the title in September!"
Rafa Benitez enjoys a little joke about Liverpool's stuttering start to the season.

"Crouch is Plan B - he gives you a different dimension. That's why I keep buying him!"
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp after Peter Crouch scored against Birmingham.

"It's not about money."
Sol Campbell insists his move to Notts County was all about the challenge.

"I just saw blue shirts everywhere."
Burnley keeper Brian 'The Beast' Jensen on facing the blue meanies of Chelsea.

Vince Vaughn
Never see 'em in the same room

"I've been compared to Vince Vaughn looks-wise. He's funny, so I'll take it!"
Ashes hero Jonathan Trott on his Hollywood alter-ego.

"JT did very well with the Pot Two draw!"
Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon after John Terry avoided picking out Real Madrid and Inter for the Blues' group as he assisted with the Champions League draw.

"I brought my son tonight because he wanted to see Adebayor. I told him he wouldn't get a kick - and I was right!"
Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock after the 2-0 Carling Cup defeat by Manchester City.

"If you ever see me on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or anything like that, you can track me down and shoot me in the head."
Joe Calzaghe bites the bullet after accepting an invitation to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, months after this comment to an online Welsh TV channel.

"Dad's driving my car and I'm driving his Astra!"
Derby's Miles Addison after boss Nigel Clough told him he was too inexperienced to drive the Range Rover he'd bought after passing his test.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"It's hard in that situation to go down to 10 men."
England WOMEN'S defender Lindsay Johnson after the sending off of Casey Stoney in their Euro 2009 defeat to Italy. (Steve Coughlan, London).

"Macclesfield have gone back to basics. They've signed Reid and Wright."
Sky's Jeff Stelling commenting on the latest additions to the Macclesfield squad. (Tony Murray, England).

"The players are a nice bunch of lads and you would be happy for any one of them to come home with your daughter. Unfortunately, they are involved in football matches and they need to be aggressive."
Bristol City manager Gary Johnson after the Carling Cup defeat to Carlisle. The man is a legend! (Aidy Muttram, England).

"An English player would be nice, because I think we have enough foreigners. Someone like Andy Reid?"
Stoke fan on the radio, speaking about Sunderland's Dublin-born midfielder. (Kal Louis, UK).

Justin Lee Collins
Snooker Loopy nuts is he

"If my football club ceased to exist, I wouldn't support anyone else. Because, to be honest, I much prefer snooker."
Justin Lee Collins on Football Focus. (Shiraz, Harrow).

"My grandma started jogging in 1999.....we've no idea where she is now!"
Bumble's mutterings whilst commenting on Thames side joggers outside The Oval. (Kieron Donovan, UK).

"I think we're on the right tracks, I really do. The problem is, though, that if you sit on the tracks long enough you get run over."
Coventry Manager Chris Coleman getting a bit too literal with his cliches. (Daniel, England).

"We have another five weeks in England. Here in Scotland is a good place to start."
Australia vice-captain Michael Clarke in an interview on BBC World Service. (John Cottrell, Germany).

"If this game stays as boring as the other ones I've had this season, it will be 0-0."
Tony Cottee on Sky Sports before the Newcastle-Huddersfield Cup game. The match finished 4-3 to Newcastle. (Liam, Rugby).

"Part ballerina, part gangster."
ESPN commentators on Zlatan Ibrahimovic during Barcelona v Sporting.(Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).

BBC reporter: "How would you sum up the action?"
Robbie Paul: "It was a game of two halves."
From HALF-TIME at the Rugby League Challenge Cup final. (Jerry Gardner, Ireland).

"This new ball is going quicker than ever - it literally explodes off the player's foot."
Jamie Redknapp reveals the secret technology behind this season's new footballs. (Richard, England).

"It's like taking kid from a candy."
David Coulthard describing Kimi Raikkonen passing someone using Kers, following the race at Spa. (Farid Hashemi, UK).

"2 Shea!"
Robbie Savage commentating on 5live during Man Utd v Birmingham when Brum sub James O'Shea joined United's John O'Shea on the field.(Gary Church, UK).

Shoes
Pass the salt and pepper

"If you see a better shot than that all season, I'll eat my shoes."
ESPN commentary on Artur Boruc's save against Hibs. (Luke Ramsden, England).

"By definition, a five-year plan takes five years."
Colin Montgomerie on the course improvement plan for 2014 host Gleneagles. (Steve Fenton, UK).

"When you have a piece of metal in your body it is always in the back of your mind."
Wasps director Tony Hanks on Cipriani's ankle plate that seems to have slipped into his brain. (Chris Painter, UK).

"Everton will ask Tottenham about taking winger David Bentley after being quoted £15 for the former Blackburn winger last week."
BBC Sport gossip column. A bargain in my opinion! (David Lewis, Portugal - and about 20 others).

"The biggest improvement over the last 12 months has been his fitness because he's able to reproduce the whole time."
Andy Murray's former coach Mark Petchey is perhaps hoping for a new generation of tennis stars. (Tim, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Oh Big Brede (Hangeland), Whoah big Brede (Hangeland), He jumps so high (Hangeland), You know that's no lie (Hangeland), He's so rock steady (Hangeland), When you see him on telly (Hangeland), Oh Big Brede (Hangeland), Whoah big Brede (Hangelaaaaaand)."
Fulham's tribute to giant Norwegian Brede Hangeland - to the tune of Black Betty. (Jonny, Rotherham). Brilliant! Ed.

"You put your left arm in, your left arm out, in out, in out, shake it all about,
You do the Maradona and you turn around - That's what it's all about.

Oh Diego Maradona! Oh Diego Maradona! Oh Diego Maradona - He put Butcher out, out, out!"
Ross County fans dressed in Argentina apparel taunting Inverness manager Terry Butcher over the 1986 World Cup.
(Staggie, Scotland).

Portsmouth fan with bell
It's just bad chiming

"You're not ringing anymore!"
Heard at Arsenal-Portsmouth after Arsenal's third and fourth goals (a dig at 'Mr Portsmouth' and his ever-present hand-bell.) (Duncan McKean, UK).

"Ricketts for England!"
Leeds fans to their former striker Michael Ricketts when he came on for Tranmere - returning the the club he was so unsuccessful for! (Mike, UK).

"Fergie, Fergie sign him up!"
Man City fans at Crystal Palace after Carlos Tevez scored his first goal for the Sky Blues. (Neil Blinston, San Antonio, Texas).

"Barnesy, Barnesy give us a rap!"
Leeds fans to Tranmere boss John Barnes while leading 3-0. (Dave, UK).

"Green Army!"
Derby fans singing to Plymouth on the back of the advert. (Josh Keene, England).

"He sells cards my Lord, he sells cards
He sells cards my Lord, he sells cards
He sells card my Lord, he sells cards
Oh Lord, Dean Hoyle."
Huddersfield Town fans to chairman Dean Hoyle, owner of the Card Factory chain of shops. (Joanna, UK). So bad, it's good - Ed.

Celtic fans: "Shall we sing a song for you?"
Arsenal fans: "Shall we score a goal for you?"
At the Emirates. (Kayleigh Bradley, Scotland).

"Cody, Cody, touch the bar!"
Norwich fans at Sunderland to substitute keeper Cody Macdonald, who's about 5ft 7in)! (Mike, England).

"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Tom Warrilow!"
Tonbridge Angels fans in their game against Horsham.(Rob, England).

"He's got shovels in his feet!"
Sunderland fans to Lorik Cana after one of his tackles took a huge divot out of the pitch at the Stadium of Light. (Andy, UK).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"Number 15, Arnold (long pause)... let's just hope Arnold does not come on!"
Arsenal stadium announcer when confronted with the name Arnold Mvuemba as he read out the Portsmouth team.

"Number 13, Zurab Khizanishvili.....try saying that with a gobstopper in your mouth!"
Stadium announcer with the starting line-ups for Gillingham v Blackburn. (Ali Wells, England).

"Today's attendance, at the start of the match at least, was 8239."
PA announcer at Blackpool, after half the Coventry fans walked out upon going 3-0 down. (Fiona, UK).

"Substitute for Sheffield Wednesday. Coming off number 23, Jermaine Johnson. Going on, number six, Tommy Mills ..... eventually."
Plymouth Argyle commentator during the Sheffield Wednesday match, with neither player seeming to be in a rush.(Hayley, Devon).



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