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Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Fabio Capello and Wayne Rooney
You've got to hand it to him

"I told him to stand in front of the goal!"
Fabio Capello reveals the tactical stroke of genius that has seen Wayne Rooney rattling in the goals for England.

"We would have won 4-1."
Capello when asked what would have happened had Kazakhstan's early 'goal' not been disallowed on Saturday.

"We can't afford to laugh too much. If we don't beat Sri Lanka we'll have two weeks in Leicester - and that's not good for anybody."
Ricky Ponting after England's humiliation by the Dutch in the World Twenty20. I hear Willie Thorne's snooker club is worth a visit, Rick - Ed.

"Uzbek football is on an upswing right now...I know I am in the right place at the right time."
Big Phil Scolari on landing his dream role as coach of Uzbekistan champions Bunyodkor.

"I almost dived on the telly when I saw Joe come on. I nearly had a third heart attack."
Peterborough's director of football Barry Fry after Stuart Pearce brought on goalkeeper Joe Lewis to play up front for England under-21s against Azerbaijan.

"A bear, a huge, massive ugly bear. And I'm allowed to say that because him and me always compare each other's skin folds in the dressing room. He's a massive, massive, big, fat, ugly bear.''
Kevin Pietersen, when asked by talkSPORT Magazine to compare England team-mate Ravi Bopara to an animal (as you do).

"I've played him twice now at more or less the same level, and I think the difference is the fact his game is a real pain in the backside to me."
Gael Monfils admits Roger Federer's mastery of him is a real bummer.

"I wish David Haye a fast recovery. I would not throw garbage at a person who is on the floor, which would probably not be the case if this was the other way round.''
Wladimir Klitschko upon hearing David Haye was forced to pull out of their heavyweight title fight with injury.

AND SOME FROM YOU

Caroline Aherne as Mrs Merton
Slow down, Jenson!

"Jenson drives like his gran's in the back."
Commentary on the Turkish Grand Prix. (Rayhaan, UK).

"Turkey is one of four anti-clockwise tracks, Brazil is the other one."
Jonathan Legard getting his maths slightly wrong during the warm-up lap for the Turkish Grand Prix. (Daz Dinsdale, UK).

"You may feel cool, but you certainly don't look cool!"
Martin Brundle on Jenson Button's cooling jacket. (Kris, England).

"Fraser Watts down there on the boundary, the 24th most eligible bachelor in Scotland. That's the good news, the bad news is that Colin Montgomerie is above him."
David Lloyd commentating on the New Zealand v Scotland Twenty20 match. (Andy Dunford, England). Bad news indeed, Monty is married - Ed.

"He's been swinging like a rusty gate."
Lloyd on Pakistan's Shahid Afridi in the Twenty20 game with England. (Laurie Hann, UK).

"It's a bit like your wife saying to you that she's interested in another man and wants to go on a date. Then the date doesn't go to plan and she wants to come home again."
Peterborough chairman Darragh MacAnthony after manager Darren Ferguson was approached by Reading. (Peter Phillips, Peterborough).

"10 times out of 10, Ravi Bopara catches those."
Commentator during the England-Netherlands Twenty20 match. Well what about the one he just dropped? (Stuart, Wales).

"A flat back 10 and none of them defenders."
Robbie Earle analyses Andorra. (MrBlueBurns, England).

"Chicago is home to Barrack a barman."
From the English subtitles for S4C's coverage of the USA v Wales rugby game. (Marc, Chester).

Roy Holder as 'Bugs' in The Chem Laba Mystery
Well hard

"He's as hard as A-level chemistry."
BBC NI commentator in relation to Derry Gaelic football captain Fergal Doherty (Derry v Monaghan). (Derry Supporter, Ireland).

"He could've kicked that with his head."
Aussie RL commentator on Setanta defines the act of kicking. (Stephen Cannell, UK).

"Being defending champions doesn't put any additional pressure on us. It's just an add-on pressure that we can handle."
Mahendra Singh Dhoni explaining the difference between additional pressure and add-on pressure. No pressure, then? (Usama, Pakistan).

"The cars are separated by eight metres, which is the average size of a Formula 1 ego."
Martin Brundle says what we all think on the starting grid in Monaco. (Ally, UK).

CHANTS OF THE SEASON WE MISSED

"Are you Bournemouth in disguise?"
Pompey fans to AC Milan during the Uefa Cup tie at Fratton Park when Pompey were 2-0 up. (John Knight, England).

"The moose, the moose, the moose is on fire!"
Sung by Nottingham Forest fans to Guy Moussi, to the tune of Sex On Fire. (Daniel Togher, UK).

"Sell your tower, build a ground."
Barnsley fans to Blackpool at a half-finished Bloomfield Road. (Stephen, Lancashire).

"You live next door to me!"
At the Watford-Chelsea FA Cup tie - a reflection on the fact that all Chelsea fans seem to live in Watford, St Albans and Hemel. (Sid, Watford).

"Two million and you still don't sing!"
Sung by Stokies after the announcer said Arsenal have had two million supporters at the Emirates this season. (Rich Haynes, England).

Bob the Builder
Can he fix it?

"Rasiak's a builder, he wears a builder's hat, and when he saw the East stand he said I'm building that!"
Watford fans celebrating Grzegorz Rasiak goals. (Kathryn Parrott, England).

"You're my Burgmeier baby, Ooh a, ooh a, ooh, a, ooh a, Burgmeier, Burgmeier, Burgmeier baby!"
Recreation of Britney Spears' Womanizer, sung by Darlington fans to Franz Burgmeier. (jjharper, England).

"You're just a fat Maradona!"
Stoke fans to Carlos Tevez against Man Utd. (Brian Finney, England).

"Ben Watson, whoah-oh-oh, Ben Watson, whoah-oh-oh, The kid's got ginger hair, but life's not always fair."
Wigan fans to their midfielder at Stoke. (James Blanchard, England).

"I'd rather have a shower than a bath!"
At Loughborough v Bath Varsity rugby game. (James, England).

"Randy, Randy, buy them a roof!"
Aston Villa fans to owner Randy Lerner at a Cup game with Gillingham, who have no roof on their away stand! (Ben, England).

"Have you ever seen a beach?"
Torquay fans to Cambridge at Wembley. (Chris Morris, England).

"He's better than Wayne, he's better than Way-ayne - super John Rooney, he's better than Wayne!"
Macclesfield Town fans on Wayne Rooney's brother, John. (Tom Morris, England).

"The big ship sails on the Aliadiere."
Middlesbrough fans to their striker. (Sam, England).

"3-2 to the working-class!"
Hayes & Yeading United fans to Hampton & Richmond in the Blue Square South play-off final. (Scott Ford, England).

"Tommy Rowe, Row Z!"
When Tommy Rowe of Stockport County put a penalty in to row Z v Walsall! (Dave, England).

Juliet Stevenson as Mary Poppins
Roman, Roman, give us a wave...

"Super-cali fragilistic Roman Pavlychenko,
Came to us from Moscow and he's better than Shevchenko.
The only guy we know who drinks his vodka from a kenko,
Super-cali fragilistic Roman Pavlychenko!"
Chant heard at White Hart Lane. (LBJ, UK).

"I am the god of Paul Furlong...and I bring you...Furlong! Der der der der der - Furlong!"
Barnet fAns salute 40-year-old striker Paul Furlong, To the tune of 'Fire' by Arthur Brown. (Iain Dalziel, England).

"You should have gone for the salad!"
Chelsea fans to a large West Ham supporter. (Ben Gordon, England).

"I predict a diet!"
Leeds fans to large Plymouth fan at Home Park, to the tune of the Kaiser Chiefs' I Predict A Riot. (Chris Lloyd, England).

"John Pantsil whooaa, John Pantsil whooaa, He comes from Africa, He's better than Kaka."
Fulham fans. (Ryan, England).

"You only sing when you're whaling!"
Scotland fans at the game with Norway. (John Carter, UK).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE SEASON WE MISSED

"If you are a third official, could you please make yourself known to the nearest steward. We don't have one and The ref's pulled a hammy!"
Heard at the Ross County-Livingston game. (Kieran Tennant, Scotland).

Gillingham players at Wembley
Home at last!

"Three visits to Wembley in 10 years, does that qualify us for a second home allowance?"
Gillingham announcer after the play-off semi-final against Rochdale. (Dave Burns, UK).

"And the scorer for Forfar in the 170th minute... Sean Kilgannon."
At the Stenhousemuir-Forfar match after Forfar scored (with the last kick of the game) from a free-kick awarded VERY late into injury time. (Dave Crompton, Scotland).

"Anyone interested in going to the Dungannon Swifts game next Saturday, a taxi will leave outside the ground at 11.30am."
Announced at the end of a Newry Town home league match.(Niall Mccarroll, Ireland).

"Rangers won-Celtic Didnae."
St Mirren announcer reporting the 1-0 win for Rangers over Celtic. (Scott Stafford, Scotland).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"Enjoy Leicester, Ricky."
Banner at Sri Lanka v Australia Twenty20 game. (Karl Hills, England).

And those banners of the season we missed...

"Jesus saves.......but Cahill nets the rebound."
Spotted at the FA Cup Final. Priceless. (Tim Wardrop, UK).

"Jimmy Abdul. One man, one goal, 36,000 hotel cancellations."
Millwall banner at Wembley play-off referring to the Leeds supporters who prematurely booked hotels for the final.(Mark Bates, England).



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