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Page last updated at 09:49 GMT, Wednesday, 3 June 2009 10:49 UK

Chants of the season

By Chris Charles

Robinho
Robinho is crazy for public transport

"Robinho on the bus goes round and round."
Man City fans celebrate Robinho's shopping trip on the bus.

"Knight fever, Knight fever - he knows where the goal is."
Rushden supporters serenade Leon Knight, to the tune of the Bee Gees' Night Fever. Sadly it was good-Knight soon afterwards when the striker was sacked.

"He's fast, he's red, he talks like Father Ted, Robbie Keane."
Liverpool salute their short-stay striker.

"John Carew, Carew. He likes a lap-dance or two. He might even pay for you. John Carew, Carew."
Villa fans to their striker after he was caught visiting a gentlemen's club.

"Chu-rch, whoah-oh-oh, Chu-rch, whoah-oh-oh,
His name suggests he's holy, he's gonna beat your goalie!"
On-loan striker Simon Church is heralded by the Leyton Orient faithful.

"Leighton Baines - I bet you think this song is about you."
Everton fans, to the tune of You're So Vain by Carly Simon.

"There's only one Vince Grella, ella, ella, hey, hey, hey."
Heard at Blackburn-Wigan to the tune of Umbrella by Rihanna.

"C.A.M.P.O!"
Ipswich fans to Ivan Campo, to the tune of Ottawan's D.I.S.C.O.

"Don't you wish your midfield had Kompany?"
Man City fans serenade Vincent Kompany, to the tune of the Pussycat Dolls' Don't Cha.

"Dimi, Dimi, Dimi, Dimi, Konstantopoulos - he swam away, to Cardiff bay."
Cardiff fans salute their on-loan goalkeeper, to the tune of Karma Chameleon.

"Viva Da Silva, Viva Da Silva, when they're on the pitch, we don't know which is which, Viva da Silva!"
Man Utd supporters on the debut of Fabio da Silva, twin brother of Rafael.

"Your car's too fast for you!"
Derby fans to Ronaldo before the Carling Cup semi-final second leg - days after he had totalled his Ferrari.

"Get your mascot off the pitch!"
AFC Hornchurch fans to Peterborough's pint-sized midfielder Dean Keates.

Poached eggs
The yolk was on Kirk

"Shall we poach an egg for you?"
Aberdeen supporters to Rangers defender Kirk Broadfoot, injured when an egg exploded in his microwave.

"Tom Davis whoah-oh-oh,
Tom Davis whoah-oh-oh,
He's better than Zidane,
He's got a perma-tan."
Sung by AFC Wimbledon fans to the bronzed Tom Davis.

"When the ball hits your head and you sit in row Z, that's Zamora!"
Heard at Bolton v Fulham to the tune of 'That's Amore'.

"Speroni, whoah-oh-oh,
Speroni, whoah-oh-oh
He's got a ponytail,
His name is like an ale."
Crystal Palace fans to keeper Julian Speroni.

"For he's a jolly good Vela!"
Arsenal fans salute Carlos Vela at the Emirates.

"Fahey's a jolly good fellow."
Birmingham fans at Doncaster, in honour of midfielder Keith Fahey.

"He's going green in a minute!"
Sang at Arsenal v Porto whenever Porto's Hulk touched the ball.

"We love our Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weeny,
Baldy Headed Warren Feeney."
Northern Ireland fans, to the tune of Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.

"Where's your hair at?"
Basement Jaxx adaptation for Djibril Cisse, heard at Man City v Sunderland.

"Whoh-oh Theo Walcott, Theo, Theo Walcott. He's an Englishman at Arsenal."
Arsenal fans to the tune of Sting's Englishman In New York.

"Allan, Allan McGregor, he couldn't handle his Stella!"
To the tune of Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band. Sung by Scotland supporters in the pub after the Iceland game, when MacGregor was banned for drinking.

"Dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum, Car-los Cueller,
Dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum, deed-dum, Car-los Cueller,
He's 6ft 3 with curly hair, and goofy teeth but we don't care,
He's Carlos Cueller, the Villa centre-half!"
To the tune of the animals went in two-by-two.

MANAGERS' SPECIALS

"You should have stayed on the telly!"
Liverpool fans to Alan Shearer.

Manuel from Fawlty Towers
I think you'll find there's two!

"There's only one Spanish waiter!"
Middlesbrough fans to Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez after going 2-0 up.

"Wooooooooooaaaaaah, Temuri Ketsbaia!!"
To the tune of Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon, sung by fans of Anorthasis Famagusta to their former manager.

"He's cracking up, he's cracking up, he's cracking, Rafa's cracking up!"
Manchester United fans to Liverpool boss Benitez following his rant at Sir Alex Ferguson.

"Rafa's cracking up!"
Ironic Liverpool fans during the 4-1 thumping of United.

"You're not special anymore!"
Manchester United fans to Jose Mourinho after knocking Inter Milan out of the Champions League.

"Sit down Pinocchio!"
Chant by Spurs supporters to Gareth Southgate.

"He's fat, he's round, he swears like Chubby Brown, Joe Kinnear, Joe Kinnear!"
Newcastle fans laud their portly boss.

"You let your language down!"
Arsenal fans to phony Dutchman Schteve McClaren during their Champions League qualifier.

BEST OF THE REST

"You're just a s*** Chas & Dave!"
Spurs fans to Liam Gallagher about him and Noel during Tottenham-Man City game.

Chas 'n' Dave
Oasis? Yer 'avin a giraffe!

"You don't know what you're doing!"
Leeds fans at Derby to a supporter who proposed to his girlfriend on the pitch.

"Bees up, Luton down!"
Brentford supporters goad Luton, to the tune of Knees Up Mother Brown.

"You're going home in a police car!"
Kingstonian fans to the visiting police officers in the stand for the Whitstable game.

"Your mum does your laundry!"
AFC Wimbledon supporters to university side Team Bath.

"Lino, lino give us a goal!"
Watford fans at the Madejski Stadium. In the reverse fixture, Reading were awarded the goal that never was.

"Does your butler know you're here?"
Southend supporters to Chelsea counterparts.

"I'd rather be a teapot than a Kettle!"
Darlington fans to referee Trevor Kettle during the Barnet game.

"If you love Golden Wonder, clap your hands."
Sung by Peterborough fans at Leicester's Walkers' Stadium.

"You're going down with the Woolworths!"
Ebbsfleet fans to Weymouth during their 1-0 win.

"We are the Potters, the rip-roaring potters, back in the Prem where Pulis got us, so come on everybody let's keep Stoke up, keep Stoke up, keep Stoke up!"
'Pottermouth's' Stoke rap to the tune of Eminem's Real Slim Shady.

"We're only here for the shot put."
Leeds fans while 4-1 down to Rotherham at the Don Valley Stadium (originally built for athletics).

"You only live round the corner!"
Fulham fans to Man Utd during the 2-0 win.

(LONG) CRICKET CHANT OF THE SEASON

Graeme Swann
All bow down to Golden Graeme

"How many special people came? How many flights we had to change? Where were you when we were in Chennai?
"Hit for four with his first ball, Then got Gambhir and The Wall.
Where were you when we were in Chennai?
"Somewhere you will find him, taking loads of wickets, in a Swanny Super Over in Chennai.
"Somewhere you will find him, taking loads of wickets, in a Swanny Super Over, a Swanny Super Over...
"Because some people believe that we shouldn't even come here at all...but you and I will never die, and Graeme Swann is just the reason why, why, why, why."
Barmy Army's tribute to Graeme Swann, to the tune of Oasis's Champagne Supernova.

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE SEASON

"If you appear mashed, smashed or totally plastered you will not be allowed into tonight's game."
Heard on the tannoy outside the Wellington Phoenix versus Perth Glory A league match.

"The staff at the car park have found a wallet (slight pause) it's got about about £4,000 cash in it so...yeah....that would be great if you could claim that..."
At Plymouth v Coventry on Easter Saturday.

"A substitution for Cheltenham means Elvis is leaving the building."
Walsall announcer is all shook up by Elvis Hammond's departure.

"If anyone has found a grey Nokia mobile, please could they bring it to the club house, because I've lost it!"
Stadium announcer at Pontyclun Under 12/14 kids' rugby tournament.

"Will Mr ******* please go to the club office immediately, your wife is in labour you need to ring her, yeah."
Heard at Rochdale v Darlington.

Jeremy Beadle
No, not Beadles!

"If anyone has a good knowledge of beetles - the insect, not the band - could they please make themselves known to us."
Before the match between Eastbourne Borough and Burton Albion.

"I'm a big fan of the Orient, but to be honest I prefer Pye Green Cantonese as they do a bostin' Singapore fried rice."
Walsall's announcer during half-time against Leyton Orient.

"Anyone caught without their cell phones on silent will be taken to UCLA's nuclear biology department and tested on."
At the Countrywide Classic tennis tournament in Los Angeles.

"And a big round of applause for Hull City. Tottenham nil, Hull City one. Tottenham nil, Hull City one. Tottenham nil, Hull City one. Thank you very much."
Chelsea announcer.

"On loan from Tottenham so that he can feel what three points is like - Andy Barcham!"
Stadium announcer at Gillingham greets on-loan midfielder Andy Barcham from Spurs, who were bottom at the time.

"Would the owner of the Vauxhall, registration number xxxxxx, please report to the nearest steward as you have left the handbrake off and it has rolled into the car behind you."

Shortly afterwards....

"Would the owner of the Ford Fiesta, registration number xxxxxx, please also report to the nearest steward as yours is the one that has been hit."
From the Wycombe Wanderers-Brentford game.

"Scoring his first goal for Preston North End, Number 20, Ben Turner!"
After Coventry City defender Ben Turner scored an own goal at Deepdale.

"It finishes Crawley Town 2, Woking 2. Be sure to tune in to the Blue Square Premier Review on Setanta next week to see how far offside Woking's first goal was!"
Crawley stadium announcer.

"To the linesman in front of the stand, your car has been stolen. Does anyone know the number for a cab firm?"
Announcement heard at Ilford FC.

"Bolton v Blackburn today, oh the joy. Anyone got any spare paint to watch dry?" (Later) "Half-time and it's currently 0-0. Get ready to take out a loan for your pie and pint!"
Announcer at the Reebok Stadium.

BANNERS OF THE SEASON

Ant and Dec with Robbie Williams
Ant 'n' Dec unveil the new boss

"Who's the next messiah, Ant or Dec?"
Aston Villa banner aimed at Newcastle fans.

"Superman wears Tim Cahill pyjamas."
Seen on a banner at the Everton end of Wembley during the FA Cup semi-final with Man Utd.

"Finally a cold day in hell."
Banner held by Arizona Cardinals' fan after they reached the NFL NFC Championship Game for the first time.

"Poultry in Motion!"
Seen at rugby league game between Canberra v Sydney City Roosters (colloquially known as The Chooks).

"United kids, wife...in that order."
Banner at Inter-Man Utd game.

"United, Oyster card, wife...in that order."
At Manchester United-Liverpool game.

"Oyster Card, wife, Man Utd. In that order."
Banner at the England v Slovakia Game.

Nb: Quotes of the week will be returning next week, so please send in your quotes, chants etc to the usual address. Thank you.



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