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"He is supposed to be our best ref, but if he's the best, I'd hate to see the worst."
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp after Howard Webb's dubious penalty award to Manchester United saw the champions turn a two-goal deficit into a 5-2 victory.
"Don't forget, you lot had me at the door three years ago. You had me in my bath-chair down on Torquay beach!"
Sir Alex Ferguson banters with the press ahead of United's Champions League semi-final with Arsenal.
"I thought he was coming to watch Middlesbrough - or maybe because we have good red wine in the directors' box."
Arsene Wenger on learning Sir Alex attended Arsenal's win over Middlesbrough on Sunday. United play Boro at the weekend.
"I heard Dad saying 'Oh my God, Richard is cut'. I looked again and he had fainted! My mum, Carole, was fanning him with her programme!"
Ricky Hatton recalls the first time he was cut in a fight - and why he wants to avoid a repetition against Manny Pacquiao on Saturday.
"It was like having your teeth pulled out with no anaesthetic.''
Bradford Bulls coach Steve McNamara after the 58-22 defeat by Warrington.
"If I'm given £6m to spend like I was last time, which included transfer fees, wages, signing on fees and agents' fees, then we'll all be in trouble.''
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy gets his excuses in early after recalling his last venture into the top flight with Sunderland.
"How can it be right for top players to be earning £15-20m a year? It's crazy. These wages need to be capped. But I worry that it won't happen because the Premier League and the FA are run by donkeys who don't understand business, who are dazzled by money.''
Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed, clearly one for sitting on the fence when it comes to discussing players' wages.
"I want to help other clubs. I speak my mind and other chairmen should too. In fact, they can come and have lunch with me at Harrods, where I can serve them stags' testicles from my Scottish estate. We all need big balls in this business.''
Al Fayed presents his fellow-chairmen with an offer they can't refuse.
"If I wasn't up for challenges I'd be out walking my dogs today. I think my dogs need a break.''
Roy Keane reveals the real reason he returned to management with Ipswich.
"I have simple demands - be on time for training and give 100%, then you will be fine. If they do not, it will be a very brief relationship.''
And anyone stepping out of line will be in the doghouse.
"You are assuming he is the player I went to see. I didn't walk around with a big sticker on my forehead saying 'I am watching Simon Cox'."
West Brom boss Tony Mowbray, not necessarily watching Swindon's leading goalscorer.
"Our biggest mistake was turning up."
Sunderland manager Ricky Sbragia after watching his side capitulate to West Brom.
"It was so hot out there - I burnt the top of my left buttock!"
Jenson Button feels the heat in Bahrain, but still comes away with the points.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I think Drogba's annoyed as he thinks Alves is play-acting."
ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley during Barca v Chelsea. Drogba accusing someone of play-acting? Priceless!
(Stuart Reid, UK).
"I'm not surprised, but it is surprising."
Glenn Hoddle speaking on Alan Brazil's Talk Sport show about the combined tally of 90-odd goals from Barcelona trio Messi, Eto'o & Henry.
(Rob Bartlett, England).
"Our intention is to play our usual style, which means attacking while at the same time making sure that we do not concede a goal."
Barcelona's Pep Guardiola living up to his reputation as one of the most tactically astute managers in football.
(Tom Davies, Wales).
"I'll be cutting the grass or playing on the golf course - anything to keep away from the radio or a way of hearing the score."
Plymouth boss Paul Sturrock ahead of the Norwich-Reading game. Interesting choice of activity, especially since it was a late kick-off. I think I'd struggle to cut the grass or play golf when it's dark!
(Jon Socks, UK).
Dream on, Emmanuel
"For me that must be something special. It is like a boy being told Beyonce is looking for them."
Emmanuel Adebayor on how he felt about being told AC Milan were interested in him.
"A long ball aimed, almost aimlessly, toward the penalty spot and David James gathers easily."
The 5Live commentator during Newcastle-Pompey.
"We've got Timo Glock there being interviewed... normally he's listening to David Hasselhoff on his music player."
Martin Brundle doing his bit for Anglo-German relations before the Bahrain GP.
(Jimmy Sanchez, UK).
"'It was a little bit to redeem myself after the last game when I conceded an easy penalty against City', the 2-year-old told BBC WM."
On BBC website about Jonas Olsson's goal against Sunderland at the weekend - I'm impressed a two-year-old could score, never mind talk.
"The longest frame ever at the Crucible...and we've been here since 1977."
Dennis Taylor at the Crucible describing the tortuous frame between Stephen Maguire and Mark King. Thirty two years - that's some frame!
(Ross Wilson, Ayrshire).
"If we win at Fulham, I will float around the marathon course."
Stoke boss Tony Pulis had to run the London Marathon like everyone else following Stoke's 1-0 defeat.
"1915: Roy Keane is through on goal but Edwin van der Sar comes out from his goal and smothers the striker's shot."
BBC live text on Man Utd v Spurs - Roy Keane's back in the Premier League sooner than even he could have imagined!
(Pradeep Silva, India).
"The pitch was terrible. The ball was like a rabbit, and it's difficult to catch a rabbit."
Wise words from Rafa Benitez after Liverpool's 3-1 victory at Hull's KC Stadium.
"We lost because the other team scored more points than us."
St Helens coach Mick Potter after the loss to Bradford Bulls.
(Conrad Edkins, Halifax).
"And sitting in front of the defence is the ever-green - or rather the ever-ginger - Paul Scholes."
BBC commentator during Manchester United v Portsmouth.
(Ray Rajani, London).
Sorry, Crouchy, there's a new robot in town
"We've shut Beattie down for this week."
Tony Pulis admits that James Beattie is, in fact, a robot.
(Mark Hughes, England).
"Stephen Maguire is second-favourite to win this tournament. I'd say he is one of the front-runners."
Willie Thorne stating the obvious in the Maguire v Burnett snooker match.
(Iain MacDonald, Scotland).
Alan Green: "Who do you fancy?"
Mark Lawrenson: "Britney!"
5live banter when Liverpool v Arsenal was poised at 3-3.
(Darren, Northern Ireland).
Green: "Fair play..26 miles!!..I couldn't run 100 yards!"
Lawro: "You could if there was a buffet at the end of it."
Marathon musings from the same pair.
(Paul Laycock, Ireland).
"The little squirt, Paul Scholes. I say that in the nicest possible way, he's a great player."
Alan Green, 5live, Man Utd v Portsmouth.
(Kevin Connolly, Northern Ireland).
"Pompey have made a bright start and Nadir Belhadj lashes a left-foot miles over from 30 yards."
Stevo on BBC live text, clearly admiring Belhadj's new, detachable left peg.
(Paul Hazell, England).
"Tense and nervous aren't the words, Jeff, but they are, if you know what I mean..."
Chris Kamara during the first-half of the Sunderland-Hull game.
(Alex Strange, England).
"He's had three shots, and he's missed both of them!"
Tony Husbands, BBC Radio Solent, on the Sheffield Wednesday-Southampton game.
(Nathan Lewis, UK).
"He threw his head and he threw his eyes at the ball and almost scored."
Pundit on BBC Radio Wales during the Charlton-Cardiff game concerning Jay Bothroyd's eye for goal.
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
His sister's a massive O's fan apparently
"Church, whoah-who-oh, Church, whoah-who-oh,
His name suggests he's holy, he's gonna beat your goalie!"
A chant to Leyton Orient wonder-boy Simon Church.
(Nick Reilly, England).
"Leighton Baines - I bet you think this song is about you."
Football chant heard at Everton v Man United FA Cup semi-final, to the tune of You're So Vain by Carly Simon.
"It's blue, it's square, you're going down to there - Conference, Conference!"
Aldershot fans to Chester counterparts as they were being relegated from League Two.
(Brian Matthews, UK). That's not very nice! Ed.
"5-0, but your hands are warm."
Sung by Chasetown fans to the only Atherstone player wearing gloves.
(Neil Turner, Lichfield).
"We all live for a yellow football team..."
Sung by Belper Town FC fans to the tune of Yellow Submarine.
(Joey Winson, England).
"Oh Staffordshire, is wonderful, Oh Staffordshire is wonderful!"
Most neutral chant ever, heard at the Staffordshire Senior Cup final - Stafford Rangers v Kidsgrove.
(Tom Kingham, Stoke).
"I'm forever blowing bubbles!"
Bristol Rovers fans sing West Ham's song when beating Millwall 4-2.
"Tom Davis woooaaah, Tom Davis woooaaah,
He's better than Zidane, He's got a perma-tan."
Sung by AFC Wimbledon fans to the ever-orange Tom Davis.
(AFC Wimbledon Fan, England).
"We'll never play you again."
Spurs fans to Newcastle after winning 1-0.
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Liverpool would like to wish Blackburn fans a safe journey home and hope to see their team back here next season."
Heard at Anfield just before Liverpool completed a 4-0 victory.
(Bren Riley, Liverpool).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Even David Beckham hates the Galaxy."
Seen at San Jose Earthquakes-LA Galaxy game.
(Jon Postlethwaite, USA).