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Page last updated at 10:50 GMT, Wednesday, 22 April 2009 11:50 UK

Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Steven Gerrard

"I kicked every ball tonight. I'm more tired now than when I play!"
Injured Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard after watching the 4-4 draw with Arsenal from the TV studio.

"Manchester United have got some big Champions League games coming up, so hopefully they'll rest a few players!"
Stevie G clings to the faint hope that Sir Alex Ferguson will take his eye off the ball in the Premier League.

"There's one thing with his arrogance you can't forgive and that is his contempt for Sam when Liverpool scored their second goal against Blackburn."
Fergie keeps the pot boiling with Rafa Benitez after claiming the Liverpool boss had declared the game with Blackburn over when the Reds went two-up.

"I went to have a quiet word with Benitez in his office but unfortunately, and as usual, he didn't turn up."
Big Sam is none too happy either.

"There is a lot of ice in that dressing room - it's like the dining room on the Titanic in there.''
Celtic boss Gordon Strachan gets that sinking feeling after his side's bruising 1-1 draw at Hearts.

"It doesn't matter if it's Christmas Day or Mother's Day, we hand out gifts. Now it's Easter, we gave away a huge egg after 30 seconds.''
Hearts manager Csaba Laszlo after his side conceded another early goal.

"The Championship is now between a pensioner and another guy who is a good guy but a paracarro."
Renault boss Flavio Briatore disses Jenson Button and Reubens Barrichello. A paracarro is an Italian word for being as slow as a mile-post on the roadside.

"I was a bit like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon II when he had to dislocate his shoulder to get out of a straitjacket."
Theo Walcott on his troublesome injury.

"At six o'clock on Saturday morning I was varnishing the garage. What a horse of a man I am. Now I can book my holidays."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy after securing promotion.

David Haye's T-shirt
Bring me the heads of the Klitschko brothers

"I came here not just with Wladimir's head but also with Vitali's to tell him I am coming after his whole family. Could I take both out on the same night? Yes, I will get Vitali to throw in the towel to save him. Maybe Vitali can jump in to save his brother, but he looks old and grey now."
David Haye and his tasteful t-shirt go to war with the Klitschko brothers ahead of his fight with Wladimir.

"I've gone from a 40 waist down to a 34 - and looking at the trousers the old Lee used to wear to cheer myself up."
Lee Westwood tries to get back into his stride after his disappointing Masters finish.

"The Bournemouth manager, John Bond, signed a player called Milko Millman. We thought he was a foreigner because he came from Jersey. He came for a month's trial and to be honest there was another reason behind the deal. At the time you couldn't get tomatoes anywhere - when Milko turned up he had with him a whole box for the manager."
Harry Redknapp recalls his playing days at Bournemouth.

"Our intention was not to come for a point."
Bolton boss Gary Megson after the 1-0 defeat to Portsmouth. Job done.

"When I saw him two years ago in Holland I asked to see his hands. He said, 'Yes, why?' I said that everything he puts his hand on turns to gold."
Arsenal striker Robin Van Persie, dumped out of the Cup by the nous of countryman Guus Hiddink.

"It is the best I have scored. It was a fantastic strike and I can't wait to see it again on DVD.''
Cristiano Ronaldo, modest as ever after his 40-yarder against Porto (which admittedly was a fantastic strike).

"Their plight is as rocky as anyone's. Would I lose any sleep about beating Sunderland because I watched them as a lad? None at all."
Hull manager Phil Brown puts the boot into his hometown club ahead of their 'six-pointer'.

"Motivation-wise it wasn't a problem because we just put the stuff on the walls that Phil Brown said about Sunderland football club."
Black Cats boss Ricky Sbragia savours a 1-0 win over Brown's team.

AND SOME FROM YOU

Didier DrOgba
Leave it out, Jimmy!

"Jimmy knocked my screen and Drogba fell over."
Phil Thompson on Didier Drogba's diving after the Chelsea v Liverpool game. (Thompson was sat next to Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink on Sky Sports News.) (Andrew, UK).

"He's like a human floodlight; he's literally lit up this match."
Charlton midfielder Matt Holland literally lights up the commentary in the Uefa Cup contest between Dynamo Kiev and Paris Saint-Germain. (Phil, England).

"Charlton's chances of staying up are thinner than Keira Knightley on a diet."
Commentator on The Championship during the highlights of Charlton v Blackpool. (Gareth Jones, England).

"From a Spurs point of view, they'll be disappointed they haven't taken Newcastle to the sword."
Glenn Hoddle gets mixed up during the Premier League game. (Darren Langley, England).

"We've had lots of great highs, we've also had some great lows."
Stoke manager Tony Pulis after the victory over Blackburn.
(Frankie Hullett, Portsmouth).

"Stranger things have happened. I just can't think of them at the moment."
Clive Tyldesley during the Chelsea-Liverpool match. (Ada, England).

"It wasn't a blatant penalty decision. It was one that could've gone either way - and it did."
Tyldesley on the penalty decision that was both awarded and refused by Mike Riley. (Adam, England).

Chris Kamara
Is it me you're looking for?

"Back in 1984 when Chris Kamara released the hit single Hello...or was it Lionel Richie?"
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday. (Stephen Bailey, Ipswich).

"The bad teams are at the bottom of the league."
Paul Merson stating the obvious on the same show. (Adam, England).

"You can't deny that they don't deserve this."
Andy Townsend tries to say something positive about Everton but ends up with too many negatives. (Nigel Bayley, UK).

"We've missed the Ronaldos we've missed the Ranooneys."
David Pleat on 5live during the FA Cup semi-final . (Chris Newell, Bradford).

"Rooney doesn't look too clever."
Alan Green on 5live after Rooney's injury against Porto. (Mike Shelton, England).

"Most goals are scored between the sticks."
Mansfield manager David Holdsworth being interviewed after their 2-2 draw at Woking. (Barry Medd, England).

"Arsenal's last piece of silverware at Wembley was back in 2005."
Setanta Sports presenter at the Arsenal-Chelsea game - forgetting that the new Wembley wasn't completed until 2007. (Imaad, UK).

"After the departure of Flamini, at the beginning of the season, Cesc Fabregas was like an orphan. He was looking everywhere for Flamini but he was at Milan."
Emmanuel Petit - previewing Arsenal v Chelsea. (Ray Rajani, London).

"I'd play him all day long, even if it's only for 45 minutes."
Paul Merson talking about Mark Viduka. (Daniel, UK).

"After last night we have Kieran Gibbs as a doubt too. He has a little groin problem."
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger on Gibbs' small problem. (Will, England).

"I thought I saw a corner there, but I am very high."
Darragh Moloney commentating for RTE during Porto-United - after Porto were awarded a goal kick. (D. Lyne, Ireland).

Michelle Obama
This is how you drink a cup of tea, Fletch

"Chaos, pure chaos. Just knocked a full cup of tea all over my desk. If the updates suddenly stop I may well have just been electrocuted."
Paul Fletcher's text commentary for Manchester City-Hamburg. (Philip Craig, Scotland). I'm pleased to report Fletch is alive and well - Ed.

"He'll be kicking himself as he goes up for that header."
5live commentator describes Bruno Alves' contortions during the Champions League quarter-final. (Ian Hirst, United Kingdom).

"I never doubted, but when you don't win the game you wonder if you are right."
Arsene Wenger- that sounds like doubt to me, Arsene! (James Brittain, UK).

"There is a man next to the commentary box asking me why that goal was disallowed. It hit the side netting, mate. Next time watch the game at home."
Clive Tyldesley commentating on Chelsea v Liverpool after a Drogba free-kick narrowly missed. (Michael Hancock, Cornwall).

"The ball literally explodes off his foot!"
Jamie Redknapp describing Ronaldo's 40-yard strike against Porto in the Champions League. (Mark Spivey, England).

"Arsenal laid the groundwork with a 1-1 victory in Spain last week." Gary Bailey on Supersport, explaining why Arsenal truimphed over Villarreal. (Al Chino, Nigeria).

"Even the Germans haven't been in it since PSV in 2005."
Bailey again, talking about the dominance of English, Italian and Spanish sides in the Champions League semi-finals. (Al Chino, Nigeria).

"These two legs have really opened up."
Jim Beglin after Frank Lampard makes it 4-4 in the game with Liverpool. (Imtiaz, Newcastle-upon-Tyne).

"If it had been inside the posts it would have been a goal."
Martin Tyler stating the obvious during Porto v Man Utd.
(Vijay, Trinidad).

"You wouldn't want to cause trouble with him, he looks like he'd give you a smack in the face."
Peter Alliss on Masters winner Angel Cabrera. (Chris, Wales).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Sandwell Town are you listening,
Better keep that trophy glistening,
Cos we're coming in May,
To take it away,
Walking in a Wanderers wonderland."
Sung in South Bank at Molineux on Saturday to our dear neighbours, Sandwell Town (West Bromwich Albion)! (Rob, England).West Bromwich is a town within the borough of Sandwell for those not in the know - Ed.

"Stand up if you paid full price."
Saints fans chanting after the kids-for-a-quid promotion at St Mary's. (Sam Dawkins, Southampton).

"We've got our boots with us!"
Aldershot fans to manager Gary Waddock when a second central defender was substituted during the Wycombe match because of injury. (Keith Chambers, UK).

"Jav-ier Mascherano!"
To the tune of 'Seven Nation Army' by The White Stripes. Sung by Liverpool fans against Chelsea. (Chad, Surrey).

"We've only got one Song!"
Arsenal fans after Alex Song's goal against Wigan - in response to Latics fans singing "You've only got one Song." (Olu, England).

Eminem
Come on you Potters!

"We are the Potters, the rip-roaring potters, back in the Prem where Pulis got us, so come on everybody let's keep Stoke up, keep Stoke up, keep Stoke up!"
'Pottermouth's' Stoke rap to the tune of Eminem's Real Slim Shady. (Tom Lea, England).

"Just because you're losing!"
Scunthorpe fans after being told to sit down at Hartlepool while 1-0 up. (Kyle Gibson, England).

"Oooooooh Richie Myler - the only man from Widnes with a full-time job!"
Warrington Wolves fans at Salford City Reds to the former Widnes player, now with Salford. (Clarissa, England).

"There's only one Peter Ridsdale!"
Stockport County fans to Leeds supporters at Elland Road. (Owain, UK).

"You're just a small town in Knightsbridge!"
Bolton fans heckling the locals at Stamford Bridge. (Jack, England).

"Speroni, whoahohohoh, Speroni, whoahohohoh,
He's got a ponytail,
His name is like an ale."
Crystal Palace fans to keeper Julian Speroni. (Rowland Reeves, England).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"If you are the owner of an Audi, you're blocking somebody's drive and you need to move it."
Ten minutes later... "The car still hasn't been moved and is about to be towed away."
Another five minutes... "If you used to be the owner of an Audi, you will be able to collect your metal box from the nearest compound."
At Kidderminster v Burton Albion. (Brett Caulfield, Kidderminster).

"Would the steward responsible for music and dancers make himself known to the nearest steward."
At the Huddersfield-Leeds Super League match. Surely that would be himself? (Tom, Leeds).

"Will Mr ******* please go to the club office immediately, your wife is in labour you need to ring her, yeah."
Heard at Rochdale v Darlington. (Luke Evans, Lancashire).

"Coming off - eventually - Joe Garner."
Stadium announcement at Nottingham Forest v Sheffield United. (Robin Pollad, England).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"Superman wears Tim Cahill pyjamas."
Seen on a banner at the Everton end of Wembley during the FA Cup semi-final with Man Utd. (Rod Morgan, Preston - Everton fan).



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