You wanna dance, crazy man?
"What were you doing punching the corner flag? You're a crazy man, a crazy man!"
England boss Fabio Capello is just crazy about Wayne Rooney.
"Wayne is the joker in our pack, perhaps the crazy joker!"
Capello warms to his theme after the striker nets twice in the 4-0 defeat of Slovakia.
"The proposed figure of £10m they are offering is ridiculous. For that amount, the English club would only get Milito's ear.''
Genoa president Enrico Preciosi won't cut off his nose to spite his face by flogging striker Diego Milito to Tottenham on the cheap.
"I had to take it easy as I need both arms and legs working for this weekend...but I don't know if my old man, John, is going to take it quite as easy as I did! Perhaps we can get him a space in the hospital ward this week."
Jenson Button lets his dad do the celebrating after winning the Australian Grand Prix.
"Our lives are quite boring. I spend a lot of time watching Coronation Street and Eastenders."
Rio Ferdinand on the Premier League soaperstars.
"We watched the 50 greatest Premier League Goals on the team bus - and Sully must have been in 49 of them!"
Doncaster's Richie Wellens on Rovers keeper Neil Sullivan.
"You have to be on the pitch to play football."
Gerry Francis gives a tactical masterclass on Sky Sports News.
"Reaching the Johnstone's Paint Trophy final at Wembley on Sunday has given the whole club a lift. For starters, I couldn't believe how quickly our injury list dwindled!"
Luton manager Mick Harford on the magic of the Cup.
"This team is on the way to becoming more famous than The Beatles."
Liverpool's Alvaro Arbeloa obviously needs some Help.
"We probably know the inside leg measurements of Rafa's trousers.''
Chelsea secretary David Barnard is hoping the Blues can make giant strides against Liverpool when they meet for the umpteenth time in the Champions League.
"You have to know, when there is a fire in the kitchen, when to flood that fire.''
Guus Hiddink turns into Jose Mourinho as he laments Chelsea's poor defending at Tottenham.
Is this some sort of April Fool's gag?
"Even though we have these terrible tops on, at least we are all wearing the same."
Frank Lampard gets shirty about the classy polo shirts the England team have been forced to wear.
"Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. This result was a huge stone.''
Coach Brian McDermott is rocked by Harlequins' 46-6 defeat by Huddersfield.
"He turned up in the boardroom in a pair of jeans, a pair of trainers and a replica shirt. Immediately he did that, the club's gone. You don't do things like that in football. He's got no class whatsoever."
Wigan owner Dave Whelan sticks the boot into his Newcastle counterpart, Mike Ashley.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Fifa will look at it very badly and we can't afford to be throwing a lot of money away."
Irish Football Association president Raymond Kennedy on a possible fine for the coin-throwing incident against Poland.
(Sam Harvey, Loughborough).
"We have five games left, three at home and three away."
Nigel Worthington talking to BBC Sport Northern Ireland before the crucial match against Poland.
(Kenneth, Northern Ireland).
"Now Lewis Hamilton truly has Trulli firmly in his sights."
Martin Brundle towards the end of the Australian Grand Prix.
(Richard Moore, England).
"I said they'd be static if they didn't start moving..."
El Tel's 'expert' analysis on the Slovakian defence last Saturday!
(Dan Nice, England).
"It would have been an unbelievable goal if he'd even managed to hit the target, let alone score."
Alan McInally on Soccer Saturday.
"Let Gerrard go forward and say to Barry, 'You anchor'."
Chris Waddle, Setanta Sports - England v Slovakia.
(Tony Pickworth, UK).
"I couldn't honestly say it was an over-the-top challenge, but looking at where the marks are on his leg, it can't be anything but an over-the-top challenge."
Swindon Town assistant Dave Byrne on the 'over-the-top challenge' by Yeovil's Terrell Forbes on Sean Morrison.
Where do I sign?
"I'm sure if Brawn GP keep plying me with champagne and putting gorgeous Virgin girls either side of me, you never know!"
Richard Branson when asked whether he might buy Brawn GP.
(Mark Williams, Oxford).
"There are a lot of players with a lot less caps."
Chris Waddle giving a very helpful explanation of David Beckham's record on Saturday.
(Joe Long, England).
"That's what makes coaching un-fun."
Rugby league legend Andrew Johns makes an observation during commentary. Obviously not one of Australia's grammar greats!
"Roque Santa Cruz says he is on target to rejoin Blackburn's fight for relegation in their next game against Tottenham."
From Teamtalk. Surely that should be
"The atmosphere is amazing in here...we can't even hear each other think."
Rod Harrington to Dave Clarke at Premier League darts in Birmingham - does Rod usually have telepathic powers?
"As a Blackburn Rovers supporter, my heart says Barcelona, but my head says 'You really have no place in this discussion, son'."
Jim, Stalybridge, via text to BBC Sport's live Champions League draw commentary.
(Jack Richards, England).
A little on the old side, but well worth sharing - Ed.
"Carrick fires in a low shot, but it's gone over the bar."
Alan Green commentating on Man U -Liverpool. How high are the posts at Old Trafford?
Another oldie but goldie - Ed.
"The club is greatly respected around the world due to its incredible history and tremendous heritage."
Rafa Benitez on signing a new deal. He clearly forgot to mention the club's glorious past!
"I'm deeply shocked. It's scandalous that bald players can't be tested."
France coach Raymond Domenech on being asked his views on the news that several Ligue 1 players' hair samples had shown traces of banned substances.
(Fergus Keogh, France).
Wanna race, Leigh?
"He's like the Road Runner. Beep Beep!"
The commentator during the Northampton-Cardiff RU game when describing Leigh Halfpenny.
TV analyst after Obafemi Martins scored the equaliser against Arsenal with his left foot.
"Manchester United now know they have to win their next game by at least one goal."
Andy Gray talking goal difference during the Liverpool-Villa match. As opposed to winning a match by less than one goal?
(Michael Stoneman, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Arsenal playing Villarreal, Tottenham watching Emmerdale!"
Heard at the Newcastle-Arsenal game.
(Nicky Rolls, England).
"Artur Boruc, Ulster's number one!"
Northern Ireland fans to Boruc after his howler at Windsor Park.
(Steve Martin, England).
"Who gives you extra?"
Wolves fans to the linesman who looked like the fella from the Halifax adverts at Nottingham Forest.
(Jon Pritchard, England).
"For he's a jolly good Vela!"
Arsenal fans salute Carlos Vela at the Emirates.
"Shall we sing Bassong for you?!"
Newcastle fans singing at the game against Arsenal, the place where Sebastian Bassong may be heading in the summer.
"We only want one goal!"
Villa fans during the 5-0 thrashing at Anfield.
"Wimbledon, Wimbledon, Wimbledon!"
Leeds fans at MK Dons.
(Glyn Baverstock, England).
Anyone fancy a Red Stripe?
"Where's your hair at ?"
Chanted to Djibril Cisse at Man City v Sunderland, a la Basement Jaxx.
(Jon Thorne, England).
"You're getting sacked in the morning!"
Tranmere fans spoil Joe Royle's big return at Oldham.
(Will Davenport, UK).
"Joe Royle has got a big fat head."
Rovers fans at Boundary Park on Saturday.
Wasn't his day, was it? Ed.
"Wooooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh - Makali's on fire!"
Hull KR fans away at Warrington (to the tune of Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon) after Makali Aizue's try was ruled out because of a knock-on.
(Adam Everitt, England).
"You're going home in a taxi."
Staines Town chant to the few of us Horsham fans who made it to Tuesday night's goalless draw.
(Alan Belmore, UK).
"Theeeeo, Theo, Theo. Theo Theo Walcott. He's an Englishman at Arsenal."
Arsenal fans to the tune of Sting's Englishman In New York.
(Ben Grouse, London).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"A substitution for Cheltenham means Elvis is leaving the building -as number 39 Elvis Hammond is replaced by number 25 Kyle Haynes."
Walsall announcer is all shook up by a substitution on Saturday.
(Miles Oliver, England).
"Could the man who has left his silver Audi outside the ground please return to your car as the keys are still in the ignition and the engine is running."
Stadium announcer at the FA Trophy semi-final second leg between Ebbsfleet and Stevenage Borough.
(Luke Jameson, England).
We had four separate emails about this - two describing the car as silver, one black and one blue. Whatever colour it was, let's hope the owner got there before one of the several hundred people who heard it advertised - Ed.
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Poultry in Motion!"
Seen at rugby league game between Canberra v Sydney City Roosters (colloquially known as The Chooks).