You sure about those feet, Stevie?
"You always worry if you'll get the chance to complete the hat-trick when Rafa's in charge! He might take you off when you're on two just to keep your feet on the ground. But he knows my feet never leave the ground."
Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard, not walking on air after his treble against Aston Villa.
"We were playing against 10 men and we had three or four chances to score more. We could have done better."
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez after seeing his side 'only' hit five against Aston Villa. Just how many goals
they need to make him happy?
"I spoke to a few people on the phone from the dressing room and they were saying Dublin had gone absolutely mental!"
Ronan O'Gara after scoring the drop goal against Wales that clinched the Six Nations Grand Slam for Ireland.
"We had some bad experiences flying with Blackburn. On one occasion, one of the lads actually wet himself."
Derby midfielder Robbie Savage reveals life wasn't all plane sailing for one of his former colleagues at Ewood Park.
"I've got something really special planned for Robbie at the end of the season. Although it may not be live on telly, everyone will know about it!"
Derby goalkeeper Stephen Bywater has another trick up his sleeve after pouring a jug of juice over his team-mate during a live TV interview, in revenge for Savage reading a personal letter to the rest of the team.
"At least the boy Bywater didn't spill anything today!"
Savage after the 0-0 draw with Barnsley.
"Simon Jordan will be on the phone to me saying I've done him, so that should be interesting!"
Wigan boss Steve Bruce looks forward to a nice chat with his old mucker after Ben Watson, a £1.5m 'snip' from Crystal Palace scores the winner against Hull.
"Ideally, you do not want to play an English team because it is not really Europe."
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger on avoiding the rest of the non-European Premier League sides in the Champions League draw.
Ooh, I'm scared
"The penalty was a good opportunity to open their account. But I thought Martins was scared of our goalie."
Arsenal's Andrei Arshavin on Newcastle striker Obafemi Martins' penalty miss against the terrifying Manuel Almunia.
"Arsene Wenger wrote a nice card and Alex Ferguson said he wanted to see me back in the dug-out soon and told me to back one of his horses at Cheltenham. I did and it came fourth. Thanks Alex, just what I needed to relax!"
Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear, back cracking the gags after his heart operation.
"It is frustrating. However, and people will probably laugh, I know I'm not injury-prone."
Newcastle striker Michael Owen - stop sniggering at the back.
"I spent the last half-hour with the crowd spinning and bits of tongue falling off in my mouth but such is life as a goalkeeper, you are going to get these whacks.''
West Ham keeper Robert Green conjures up a charming image after being caught by West Brom's Jonas Olsson.
"When you go to a club at four in the morning and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And, to me, this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's four in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me.''
Pitcher Julian Tavarez gives an interesting insight into why he moved to the Washington Nationals.
"Nobody can complain about my commitment. Players are different, it is like the five fingers on the hand - all different but they shine in different ways.''
Didier Drogba can't quite put his finger on the reasons he's dubbed lazy.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"In the remaining eight games, Arsenal still have to take on three of the big four."
Setanta commentator during the Arsenal-Newcastle game. You mean Arsenal don't have to play themselves?
(Libby Curran, USA).
"I told my partner of 17 years I would marry her if Liverpool win the title. I'm starting to worry."
Anonymous texter to BBC Sport's live Premier League text.
(David Murdock, England).
Ain't nothing coming past us!
"Real Madrid can't get through the Liverpool defence - it's like trying to get through an alley of drunks."
Eamon Dunphy on RTE.
(Gerry Reilly, Ireland).
"Pressure? Pressure is for tyres!!"
Former Anfield star Steve Staunton's comments during Liverpool-Aston Villa when asked if the Reds could cope with the pressure at the top.
"Nadal wins the point by forcing Murray to make an unforced error."
Commentator on the Indian Wells final between Rafael Nadal and Andy Murray.
(Pramod Laxman, India).
"There are eight games left for Newcastle to cement their place in the top four."
Commentator on Setanta Sports for Newcastle-Arsenal game.
(Saman Khalid, England).
"I'm pleased to have avoided the English teams at this stage. Emotionally and physically it would have been draining - probably more than against a European team."
Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand after the Champions League draw. I thought England
He's obviously been taking geography lessons from Arsene Wenger - Ed.
"As a batsman, you were taught three calls: 'Yes', 'No', and 'Wait'. Then there were the rest: 'Go back', 'What you doing in my crease?!', 'See you back in the pavilion'."
Tony Cozier's beginner's guide to running between the wickets on Test Match Special.
(Stephen F, UK).
"City aren't used to playing two-legged football."
Danny Mills referring to Manchester City's inexperience of the Uefa Cup format.
(Jacob & Stijn, UK).
"Talking of Kidney, how's your spleen?"
Radio 5 Live interviewer to Ruby Walsh at Cheltenham, having just discussed Ireland rugby coach Declan Kidney.
(Monty, Wicklow, Ireland).
Come on son - you're on!
"We picked Leon Constantine up on the way to the game and chucked him at the back of the bus. When I saw him at the services I thought he was a geezer who was there to clean cars."
Cheltenham manager Martin Allen on new loan signing Leon Constantine, who scored against Huddersfield after five minutes, despite only being acquainted with his team-mates hours beforehand.
(Samuel Lear, England).
"Well, the paint has finally dried at Upton Park."
Setanta commentator at the final whistle after a painfully boring game against West Brom.
(Stephen O'Hanlon, England).
"Arsenal have not got a single English player in their entire Six Nations set-up."
The verbal goldmine that is RTE commentator Jimmy Magee points out how Arsenal's multi-cultural team are now looking elsewhere for silverware.
"If someone scores in the second half, there will be goals."
Dundee United manager Craig Levein sticks his neck out during the half-time analysis of the Rangers-Celtic CIS Cup final on Sportscene.
(Gordon Smith, Glasgow).
"Negreda's 16 goals this season represent almost exactly 50% of Almeria's 32 goals in La Liga."
Sky commentator at Almeria-Barcelona game on Sunday. I would say that was
(Paul Thorburn, England).
"I never heard of the story, but at least the hippo is from Basel, right? I can take that loss. That's OK."
Roger Federer upon hearing that Farasi, the baby hippo of Basel Zoo, beat him as Swiss of the Year in 2008.
"Villa went to Dubai for a week, Portsmouth went to Dubai for a week, we went to Cheltenham..."
It's horses for courses for Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp.
(Martin Reynolds, England).
"I've spoken with Ji-Sung Park at Manchester United, and while he's told me it won't be easy playing here, we've got two legs like everyone else so we have a chance."
Wigan Athletic's new signing Won Hee Cho.
(Tim Fisher, Wigan).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Where are ya?!"
Brentford fans to Dagenham counterparts after a floodlight failure at Victoria Road forced the game to be called off.
Anyone fancy a pint?
"We can't see you sneaking out!"
Bees supporters continue to amuse themselves in the dark.
(Andy Williams, Essex).
"Rafa's cracking up!"
Ironic Liverpool fans during the 4-1 thumping of Man Utd.
"You're getting sacked in the morning!"
Crewe fans at the game with Leeds after the stadium announcer asked:"Can the referee's assessor please report to the office?"
(Stewart Hurley, UK).
"You only live round the corner!"
Fulham fans to Man Utd during the 2-0 win.
Oldie but goldie - Ed.
"He's left his pants on the pitch!"
Grimsby fans after a streaker dropped his pants in the area, leaving them for keeper Wayne Henderson to pick up.
"Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, we're going to Shrewsbury! Que sera sera!"
Gallows humour from Cheltenham fans during the 1-0 victories over Hartlepool and Tranmere.
(Steven Partlett, UK).
"Your supporters are better than you!"
Hendon fans to Harlow Town's players when Hendon were winning 4-0. Earlier that day, Harlow supporters had beaten Hendon fans in a penalty shoot-out following a goalless draw.
(Steve Rogers, England).
Don't even think about it, pal
"Who ate all the swan?"
Chant from Leigh Genesis fans at Nantwich's portly striker Andy Kinsey after he scored the (posh) Cheshire side's last goal in an 8-0 win over Leigh.
(Matt Lawton, Lancashire).
"Fahey's a jolly good fellow."
Birmingham fans at Doncaster in honour of midfielder Keith Fahey.
"Watch out! Beadle's about!"
Luton Town fans when police emerged with cameras during the game with Grimsby.
"Top of the league, you're havin' a laff."
Man Utd fans after scoring against Liverpool.
"Top of the league, you're havin' a laff."
Liverpool fans to Man Utd after scoring their fourth.
"You're not bouncing anymore!"
Cardiff fans to bouncing Bristol City supporters after scoring an equaliser.
(Mike Davies, Wales).
"It's blue, it's square, you're going down to there - Conference! Conference!"
Aldershot fans as doomed Luton head for the Blue Square Premier.
"Andre Ooijer, Andre Ooijer, Andre Ooijer, Andre Ooijer, Andre Ooooooo-ijer!"
Blackburn fans to the tune of Hallelulah.
"We've got more points than you!"
Hull fans to Newcastle.
"We've got more fans than you!"
Newcastle fans reply.
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Scoring his first goal for Preston North End, Number 20, Ben Turner!"
After Coventry City defender Ben Turner scored an own goal at Deepdale!
(Dean Atkinson, UK).
"If anyone has a good knowledge of beetles - the insect, not the band - could they please make themselves known to us."
Before the match between Eastbourne Borough and Burton Albion.
(Richard Bayes, UK).
HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
"Injured Armstrong in Giro doubt."
From BBC Sport. Is the Social checking Lance out?
(Rankin Lascelles, Scotland).