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Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Guus Hiddink
"I'd loov it, loov it...."

"I'd love to stop him - I hope we can stop him."
Guus Hiddink takes a Kevin Keegan pill as he reveals Chelsea's desire to prevent Sir Alex Ferguson achieving the quintuple.

"It would be great to think we could do it but my experience says we could go to Fulham next week, get a deflected shot off someone's backside and we're out of the FA Cup."
Fergie plays down the chances of a nap-hand for United.

"I have a special door in the dug-out that means I can leave directly to the dressing-rooms. But I left a 300 bottle of wine together with a card saying that we will see each other at Old Trafford after the game so he knows that I am always close to him, always friends."
Jose Mourinho refuses to close the door on his special relationship with Sir Alex.

"I am trying to offer some of my experience about this world of sharks that he is going to enter into. I advise him to only trust the words of his mother."
Mum's the word from Arsenal's William Gallas for his rugby-playing cousin Mathieu Bastareaud, who made his debut against Wales on Friday.

"Some people would probably put pressure on themselves because of being first-choice. My mum has been telling me I am the number one spinner in England for the last 10 years, so that's enough pressure for me."
England bowler Graeme Swann continues the maternal theme.

"We have lost a game we haven't lost. That's one for the record books, isn't it?"
Sheffield United boss Kevin Blackwell is not convinced Kyle Naughton's own-goal crossed the line in their FA Cup replay defeat by Hull.

Kings of Leon
We'd like to dedicate this to those super Saints

"I'm a massive Kings of Leon fan. I hope to see them in the summer. If they help us stay up I'll take a thank-you note from the lads!"
Southampton midfielder Andrew Surman, who has seen the team's recent resurgence coincide with the changing of the pre-match music to Sex On Fire.

"Even before the end of the first half I felt as if I had spat my lungs out."
Andrey Arshavin conjures up a charming image as he struggles to adapt to the pace of the Premier League.

"Now he's signed a contract maybe he'll buy me a drink - because he didn't in the four months he was here! He keeps telling me his wife has all the money!"
Stoke manager Tony Pulis reveals Gary Megson cost him a fortune when the Bolton boss had a coaching spell with the Potters.

"They have to sleep in the kitchen, drink only water and have proper food. I tell them to send their wives away and have a very good sleep. They have to really live like monks."
New Southampton boss Mark Wotte is praying his players can avoid the drop.

MICK McCARTHY'S WORDS OF WISDOM

"There's two scenarios here. It's an anagram, isn't it? If I get promoted I'm a god and if we don't I'm a dog."
The Wolves manager might have a future in crossword compiling if his faltering side fail to win promotion.

Mick McCarthy
Mick is trying to keep the Wolves from the door

"Don't even suggest Plymouth is an easy game. Look at it this way. There's a greyhound going through a field and he sees a rabbit. The rabbit starts running. The greyhound fancies a bit of snap but the rabbit fancies his life. Who runs the hardest? The rabbit, absolutely. That's been my view on life."
Or maybe sooth-saying could be McCarthy's thing, after he correctly calls the shock defeat to Plymouth.

"The ref was never going to give us a spot-kick. Plymouth would have needed to grab him, rob him of his clothes and tie him up before he recognised an offence!"
Big Mick is ever-so-slightly peeved by the referee's performance at Molineux.

"If my wife leaves me, now that's a crisis. And if she takes the kids with her, that's even worse!"
But he manages to put his side's poor run (before the win at Palace) into context.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"He was happy, apart from when I called him John Ukata. Other than that he was fine."
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp after giving Jonathan Obika his first start against Shakhtar Donetsk. (Jamie Currie, England).

"The referee tonight is Turkish, that's a new language for Craig Bellamy to argue in."
ITV commentators in the second leg of Man City v Copenhagen. (Chris Blowey).

"Cook was out on the pull against South Africa."
Cricket commentator during West Indies-England, highlighting Alastair Cook's unsuccessful flirtations with the pull shot. (Chris Huff, Italy).

"Ramdin cuts it off his stumps. He'll cut anything, will Ramdin, including the ribbon at a local village fair."
Christopher Martin-Jenkins on TMS identifies Dinesh Ramdin's favourite shot as he adds yet more runs to the West Indies tally in Barbados. (Stephen F, UK).

Robbie Williams
He's loving Sir Les instead

"I was fortunate enough to play with Robbie Williams back at White Hart Lane."
Les Ferdinand has a slip of the tongue when talking about Robbie KEANE. (Steve, Leeds).

"Sackey has an injury, on the end there."
Rugby commentary during Ireland England match - bet that hurt! (Derek Grange, England).

"The power struggle at Liverpool is like an episode of Shameless."
Mark Lawrenson on recent events at Anfield. (Jer, England).

"Is he going to shoot? Of course not, it's Arsenal."
John Motson commentating on Samir Nasri's lack of shooting prowess. (Georgey P, England).

"This tie averages 3.47, let's call it four, goals a game."
Sky Sports commentator does some optimistic rounding-up during Atletico Madrid v Barcelona. (Alex Wilkinson, UK).

"Why is Corluka taking the penalty? He's a defender. It should be Bentley because he's the dead ball expert."
Paul Merson in the Carling Cup final. Corluka scored and 'dead ball expert' Bentley missed. (TI, England).

"We haven't had a goalless draw after 90 minutes in a League Cup final since Everton versus Liverpool in 1984, nearly a quarter of a century ago."
Mike Ingham during 5Live commentary of the final. Isn't that exactly a quarter of a century ago, Mike? (Bhav Trivedi, UK).

"This win should give the players an unbelievable amount of belief."
Gareth Southgate after Boro beat Liverpool - unbelievable?!(BermudaPool, Bermuda).

"Here come Manchester City in their bright orange shirts... they're revolting, aren't they? They're giving me a headache!"
Jacqui Oatley on 5Live would prefer it if Manchester City wore their away kit less often. (Stephen F, UK).

The Three Stooges
Coming on for Bolton...

"If I'd put The Three Stooges in, it would've been better than we played then (at Everton)."
Bolton boss Gary Megson discussing his line-up against West Ham. (Ginny Hadfield, Manchester).

"Stephen Ireland's on his own. He's looking for Kompany."
Fox Sports commentator watching West Ham v Man City. (Paul Browne, England).

"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."
Brian O'Driscoll when asked about his relationship with England coach Martin Johnson. (Davod Ennis, Ireland). Eh? Ed.

"He wouldn't even bowl my mum and my brother out. He's ordinary. But then my mum was better than me..."
Geoffrey Boycott talking about Daren Powell on TMS. (Rory Stoves, England).

"After being bowled out for 48 in the first innings, England went on to win the match by 208 runs. Alec Stewart was the star in that game, scoring a century in both innings."
Sky Sports reporter comparing England's previous performances in the West Indies. (James Austerberry, England).

Commentator: "Kevin, of course, played in a Uefa Cup final 22 years ago."
Kevin Gallacher: "It wasn't 22 years ago! It was 1987."
Kevin Gallacher on 5Live commentating on Tottenham v Shaktar, and not doing the stereotypical footballer image any good. (Simon B, UK).

"They chanced their arm, and it came off."
Brian Moore during the England-Wales rugby match. (richtherev, England).

"I try to smell and make my own conclusions."
It's olfaction, not factions, as Guus Hiddink comments on rumours of dressing-room unrest at Chelsea. (Gareth, England).

"I'd rather talk about my first ranking title."
'Captain' Ali Carter is asked about his pilot's licence having just won the Welsh Open snooker tournament. (Kim, England).

"Midfielder Michael Tongue could be returning to Sheffield United on loan after failing to hold down a place at Stoke (Daily Mirror)."
BBC Sport Gossip Column. Presumably he's gonna be licking those United players into shape! (Milo P, Gloucester).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Top of the league, you're having a laugh!"
Tottenham fans during Carling Cup final defeat to Manchester United.

"Premier League, you're having a laugh!"
United fans' instant reply. (Joel, England).

Trumpton
OK, Gooners, everybody out!

"Is there a fire drill?"
Arsenal fans with five minutes of normal time to go in the Roma game when the 'plastic' supporters started to leave. (Ian, England).

"We love you lino, we do!"
QPR fans after the linesman over-ruled a penalty decision given to Norwich by the referee. (Ted, UK). Not that it made any difference - Ed.

"We've got one, we've got two, we've got eight more Oscars than you!"
Radcliffe Borough fans to Lancaster City on the Saturday after local-born Danny Boyle cleaned up at at the Academy Awards. (James Heyes, UK).

''Accrington on a Tuesday night.''
Huddersfield fans to their Crewe counterparts, who are flirting with relegation from League One. (Josh Williams, England).

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

"New baby rules Prior out of Test." (BBC Sport website).
Fair play to him for going, but don't leave the decision in the hands of a newborn! (Peter, Kent).



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