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Page last updated at 13:28 GMT, Thursday, 22 January 2009

Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Harry Redknapp
Right, Sandra - you're on!

"My missus could have scored that."
Harry Redknapp puts a friendly arm around striker Darren Bent after his glaring miss against Portsmouth.

"Palacios is suspended - he likes tackling you see - so I don't know if he'll be any good in our team!"
Redknapp on new signing Wilson Palacios.

"In my squad I put Jenas and others. Six months later the market reopens and it comes out I like these players. I like them, otherwise I wouldn't have put them in my squad, but that's a transfer market without rules."
Inter Milan boss Jose Mourinho reveals reports linking him to a move for Jermaine Jenas began because he had the Spurs midfielder in his fantasy football team.

"If you want my personal opinion, they bottled it."
Manchester City executive chairman Garry Cook gives his considered view of the failed bid to sign Kaka.

"Many children brought their drawings that they dedicated to me."
Kaka paints a rosy picture of life at Milan after highlighting one of the reasons why he chose to stay.

"It's not always about money. It's about playing for the best team, playing with the best players in the world and winning trophies and being successful."
David Beckham, oblivious to the irony of his advice to his new team-mate.

"If some Arabian fellas or oil-rich sheikhs come in and pay £90m for a player, that is totally barmy."
Wigan owner Dave Whelan decides to stay on the fence over the Kaka deal.

"Brian Moore was drug-tested after every game at the 1995 Rugby World Cup. It really got up his nose."
Jerry Guscott on BBC Radio 5 Live.

Monopoly board
Clarke is always game for a laugh

"We went to a little restaurant in Mayfair. It's only the second time I've been there - the other time was on a Monopoly board!"
Southend defender Peter Clarke on being taken out by old friend Joe Cole before the FA Cup clash between the sides. Sadly the Shrimpers could not find their get-out-of-jail-free card in the replay.

"When I did it, I thought 'Was that really wise?'. It wasn't easy to snap it, I wish I'd recorded it, put it on You Tube."
Ronnie O'Sullivan reflects on his decision to snap his cue during the Masters at Wembley.

"How do you take him on? You don't!"
Sir Alex Ferguson's former captain Steve Bruce warns Rafa Benitez off another attack.

"It would be crass of me to suggest it is all sweetness and light and we go skipping through the fields together on a weekend, arm in arm."
Hull FC chief executive James Rule on the special relationship with Hull KR.

"It's tough to be president, but it's harder work down a mine."
Real Madrid supremo Ramon Calderon two days before getting the sack. Life's the pits.

"Being 30 does not make a difference to me. I thought I would have to buy a sports car and date 21-year-old blondes or something like that!"
Triple-jumper Phillips Idowu on life as an old man. But not as old as some...

"I should have got absolutely rat-***ed on my birthday but instead I spent the day practising."
Stephen Hendry following his Masters exit to Neil Robertson 24 hours after turning 40.

"Boro have lost games they should have won and that's down to inexperience and not having enough experience."
The inimitable Paul Merson.

AND SOME FROM YOU

Primark store
Will they be heading inter Milan?

"Kaka going to Man City is like Primark coming to the centre of the Milan shopping district. Do opposites attract that much?"
Italian commentator's take on the proposed Kaka-Man City deal. (Kevin, Italy).

"It was so blatant you could see it on the radio."
Bristol City boss Gary Johnson at half time on 5 Live Sports Extra, following Crouch's juggling in the penalty box against Spurs. (Robert Andrews, UK).

"In-form West Ham manager Carlton Cole looks set for a call-up into Fabio Capello's England squad. (The Times)."
BBC gossip page. He may be an in-form striker, but manager?! (Michael Moss, Nottingham).

Colin McNamara: "Wayward shot from Valencia there."
Mark Lawrenson: "Almost ended up in Valencia."
Commentators at Wigan game. (Matt, England).

"Like cowboys, we need to stick the wagons in a circle and wait until we come out the other end of our injury problems."
Tony Mowbray on the injury crisis at West Brom. (Zach, US).

"It is a long, long time since Derby have been to Wembley. That is the incentive."
New boy Nigel Clough forgets/doesn't know that Derby won at Wembley less than two years ago in the play-off final. (Michael, England).

"It's a pity that Wigan didn't realise it was an eight o'clock kick-off."
TV commentator after Wayne Rooney scored for Man Utd after 54 seconds. (Libby Curran, USA).

"Manu Ginobili matching his fellow-European shot-for-shot."
A commentator on Sportscenter - Ginobili is from Argentina. (Kathryn, USA).

Johnny Weismuller as Tarzan and Maureen O'Sullivan as Jane
Tait's mum and dad look on from the stands

"Built like Tarzan, plays like Jane."
Ricky Ponting jokes with commentators when Shaun Tait decided not to try to field a ball off his own bowling against South Africa. (Jarrad, Australia).

"Procol Harum came from Southend and there's a few faces a whiter shade of pale in the crowd."
Commentator after Southend took the lead against Chelsea. (Helen Gray, England).

"We're just happy to get the three points today."
Andrew Driver after the Scottish CUP match against Hibernian. (Sam Jackson, Scotland).

"How do you weigh your balls, John?"
Dennis Taylor to John Virgo during the Masters at Wembley. (Jon, UK).

"A lot of pundits have said there's only one team that can win the league. I don't buy into that."
Liverpool assistant Sammy Lee. (Andy, London).

"23:12 GOAL - Robert Purdie. Darlington 2 - Luton 0. Inswinging corner taken right-footed by Robert Purdie, Robert Purdie grabs a headed goal from just inside the area. Robert Purdie provided the assist for the goal."
Text commentary from the BBC. Who needs Kaka when we have Rob 'fastest man alive' Purdie? (Chris Sheard, London).

"And now back to the commentary team of Willie Thorne and Louis Walsh."
John Parrott referring to Ken Doherty after Ronnie O'Sullivan suggested snooker needed a bit of X-factor. (Simosloth, England).

"I don't think this pots, although now I've seen it, I think perhaps it does."
Steve Davis' pearl of wisdom during the O'Sullivan-Perry match. (Kim, England).

Barack Obama
Can he fix it? Yes he can

"Bring on Barack Obama, he'll fix everything!"
Overheard in the crowd at the Welling-Team Bath game. (Shaun Medlen, Erith).

"Agbonlahor had no team-mates to pass to so he shot himself."
MOTD commentator on a recent Aston Villa game. (Chris, England). Bit harsh - Ed.

"It was a good time to play Wigan after they'd been to Old Trafford in the week and lost to a late goal"
Mark Lawrenson on MOTD. Late goal?? Rooney scored after 54 seconds! (Theo Rowley, Liverpool).

"That maiden over was a ......... maiden over."
Mark Taylor commenting on Dale Steyn's first over in the ODI in Hobart. (Nick, Australia).

"He's got 10 already, and I still expect him to get into double figures."
Andy Ritchie talking about Cristiano Ronaldo's goalscoring prowess on MUTV. (Mike Edwards, England).

"The real cricket fans and the real cricket lovers know that Test matches are still the real form of cricket."
Pakistan's Sohail Tanvir keeping it real. (Usama, Pakistan).

"It's 1-0 to United but they really should be ahead…"
Iain Dowie reporting on Sheff Utd game for Sky Sports News. (H Quick, UK).

"There must be about 35 teams rated inside the top 20 college basketball teams this year."
An American commentator during the NFL divisional play-off weekend. (Fraser Vandal, Scotland).

Rafael Nadal
From catwalk to cakewalk

"It doesn't help that while Rafael Nadal has come out looking like a fashion icon, Christophe Rochus has come out in his PE kit."
Commentator on 5Live Extra, after Nadal took the first set 6-0 against Rochus. (Shiraz, England).

"On a day when our goalkeeper hasn't had a save to make, we lose four goals."
Dundee United manager Craig Levein after their drubbing at the hands of Motherwell. (Gordon Rattray, Belgium).

"Manchester City are defending like beavers."
Chris Kamara during the Manchester City v Wigan game. What!? (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).

"It feels like I'm back at a proper football club. Mansfield Town has a lot of history. I'm older than Rushden & Diamonds!"
Curtis Woodhouse in the Non-League Paper after leaving R&D to join the Stags. (David, France). Thought he was quitting to be a boxer? Ed.

"There's been a lot of things happening off the pitch that's uncontrollable - we can only control the controllables."
Carlton Cole on the speculation surrounding Craig Bellamy after the Fulham game. (Luke, Wales).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"He's cracking up, he's cracking up, he's cracking, Rafa's cracking up!"
United fans to the tune of Three Lions. (Kev, Manchester).

"Lino, lino give us a goal!"
Watford fans at the Madejski Stadium. In the reverse fixture, Reading were awarded the goal that never was. (Conor McAdden, Reading).

Watford fans: "It's all quiet in the library!"
Reading fans: "Shhhhhhhhh!"
After Reading went 1-0 up. (Chris Painter, England).

Bubble car
Try this for size, Cristiano

"Your car's too fast for you!"
Derby fans to Ronaldo as he warmed up at Old Trafford in the Carling Cup semi-final second leg - even brought a smile to United fans nearby! (Simon, England).

"Stand up, if you beat Man U."
Southend fans against Chelsea. (Andrew, UK).

"We hate West Ham more than you!"
Orient fans to Sheffield United counterparts. (Matt Gibson, England).

"You only sing at the rugby."
Sung at Hull fans by Newcastle. (Jack Stabler, England).

"Are you Woolworths in disguise?"
Hibs fans to their cash-strapped Edinburgh rivals Hearts. (Emma).

"Does your butler know you're here?"
Southend fans to Chelsea supporters. (Martin Rogers, England).

"Viva John Terry! Viva John Terry! He could have won the Cup, but then he mucked it up, Viva John Terry!"
Manchester United fans show their appreciation for the Chelsea captain at Old Trafford! (Thomas Bridge, England).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"An announcement for Linfield supporters. Could the owner of a blue Nissan registration number ******* please return to your vehicle immediately as you have left your keys in the car."
Heard at the recent Cliftonville v Linfield match at Solitude. (Stephen, Ireland). Maybe he should have just said 'Attention all car thieves...' Ed.

John Terry misses penalty in Champions League final
John Terry - born slippy

"Number 20, Deco."
"Booooooo!"
"Number 26, John Terry!"
"OLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
The Old Trafford announcer's mention of John Terry gets the biggest cheer of the day. (Benni Sluckis, England).

"Goalscorer for Crystal Palace, eventually, number six Jose Fonte."
Announcer at Palace v Ipswich, after the ref took a while to decide whether to give it or not. Not only that, it wasn't Fonte who scored it! (Chris Humphris, London).

BANNERS OF THE WEEK

"Manchester 08 - European Capital of Trophies."
Banner at Old Trafford mocks 'Capital of Culture' Liverpool. (Phil, England).

"Finally a cold day in hell."
Banner held by Arizona Cardinals' fan after they reached the NFL NFC Championship Game for the first time. (Simon, Dorset).

INTRO OF THE WEEK

(From BBC News story about Villa fan accused of throwing coin at linesman) "A man has been charged with battery...."
Just wondering where they attached the crocodile clips... (David Lomas, England).



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