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Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Jose Mourinho and Sir Alex Ferguson
Who loves ya baby?

"I had a glass of wine with Alex Ferguson and we spoke for half an hour. I told him how Inter will play against United and he named his 11 players for the game."
The Special One reveals what he and Sir Alex didn't talk about after the Chelsea game.

"We had a meeting in Manchester with managers and the FA about the Respect campaign. And I was very clear, forget the campaign because Mr Ferguson was killing the referees, killing Mr Atkinson, killing Mr Hackett."
Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez reveals it's murder having Sir Alex as a rival.

"There is another option. That Mr Ferguson organises the fixtures in his office and sends it to us and everyone will know and cannot complain. That is simple."
And he reveals the perfect solution to Ferguson's claim that the fixture list does not favour Manchester United.

"I think he was an angry man. He must have been disturbed for some reason. I think you have got to cut through the venom of it and hopefully he'll reflect and understand what he said was absolutely ridiculous."
Fergie hits back to win round one.

"We made an offer and it was turned down. We offered Stoke-on-Trent."
Stoke boss Tony Pulis on the 'failed bid' to land Kaka.

"I'm Ko Simpson with the Buffalo Bills. I am worth millions."
Buffalo Bills safety Ko Simpson's indignant response to police attempting to arrest him outside a bar.

"I think he walked back into the changing rooms underneath the door, he was so low."
Southampton goalkeeper Kelvin Davis on incredible shrinking team-mate Matt Paterson after the striker was red-carded against Man Utd.

"My girlfriend thinks I look like a reptile - it's not the best."
Andy Murray pays the price for defending his Qatar Open title, after suction treatment on his back leaves him covered in bruises.

"I thought 'How can I stop playing or give myself an excuse to stop playing? So I snapped my cue on Friday. It was quite fun doing it. It's gone."
Ronnie O'Sullivan finds a novel way to stop himself playing snooker after complaining the game needed jazzing up like darts.

Women skaters
Oh no, we've dropped the cues!

"If he or anyone else thinks snooker on ice or played in sequinned outfits is the way forward, I'll be happy to listen to the proposals."
World Snooker chairman Sir Rodney Walker has his say.

"I said 'come on, you're a big strong man. What are you doing screaming like that?"
Bolton's Kevin Davies has a pop at Kolo Toure and the Arsenal scream team.

"Rocky is one of my favourite films. I don't know how many times I've seen it but the dvd is worn out."
Aston Villa's Steve Sidwell, who named his son Rocco in homage to the movie.

"I've got a hamstring injury and what with the cold weather I thought I'd wear tights. I needed to get permission from the FA but my team-mates haven't been giving me stick. In fact if it's cold enough I think a few of them might start wearing them too!"
Wycombe's on-loan striker Angelo Balanta is a real stocking-filler.

"We are at a club where we can't deal in the top bracket of players we would like to bring here. We are not at Crufts, we are at Battersea Dogs Home. We are looking for strays. We are looking for people who have gone astray with the aim of bringing them back."
Stoke boss Tony Pulis makes new signing Matthew Etherington really feel at home.

"We needed to make sure that if we needed to go 10 yards, we went 10 yards and not nine because we'd get found out. And that's what happened."
Tactical genius Gary Megson is disappointed Bolton only went the full nine yards against Arsenal.

"Maybe if there was a bomb in the dressing room and four players broke their legs then it might well be that I came to play."
Fulham midfielder Leon Andreasen is pessimistic about his chances of breaking into Roy Hodgson's starting XI.

Ronnie Barker as an alien
Strachan unveils his new signing

"Are there Martians out there? I haven't got a clue. Is there life out there? I have no idea."
Gordon Strachan's response to transfer speculation questions - clearly an alien concept to the Celtic boss.

"I stole a shirt off Jacques (Kallis) and a pullover off Harry (Paul Harris) that still had his hamburger stain on the front left side of it."
Broken hand victim Graeme Smith left his kit behind for day five of the third Test against Australia but relished the chance to bat in his team-mates' clobber.

"I don't rate it - I said 'I refuse to play with you up front!'"
Newcastle frontman Michael Owen on new strike-partner Andy Carroll and his dodgy braids.


"The problem with Arsenal is they don't have a Plan B...the only Plan B they have is Bendtner."
Shaka Hislop analysing Arsenal's win over Bolton on ESPN Sports Centre. (Maurice K. Nyambe, Zambia).

"Wide by Zakora, who still hasn't come within a metric mile of scoring his first goal for Tottenham."
MOTD2 commentator who hasn't come within a metric kilometre of the proper system of measurement. (Bryan Saunders, Belgium).

"Isn't that always the way sometimes?"
Paul Jewell on the fact that Jermain Defoe's second Spurs debut did not live up to the hype. (Kimpton Baggie, UK ).

"I know how much people love watching me bat and that's the kind of stuff that turns me on."
Classic KP! (Adam, UK).

"It's the 64 dollar question."
Leighton James on Wales on Saturday - the credit crunch is definitely here! (Tim Phillips, Swansea).

"I think he's thrown his dart into the crowd."
"The way he's playing that might not be a bad idea."
BBC darts commentators (Martin Atkins v Ten Berge) after Atkins threw his third dart into the air and dropped it off the edge of the stage. (Chris Blowey, England).

Ted Hankey
Hankey - a picture of health

Ted Hankey: "I've stopped drinking, so I feel healthier, look healthier and I am healthier."
Ray Stubbs: "So you're not going to the bar now, then?"
Hankey: "No - I'm off outside for a cigarette!"
The new BDO darts champion and his healthy lifestyle. (Shaun Blevins, England).

"Hopefully I can just have another terrible year with only the one Grand Slam and that will be just fine."
Roger Federer on his 'slump'. (Kim, England).

"We are so close to the pitch here, we have a birds-eye view of the action."
Setanta sports commentator at the Blyth Spartans-Blackburn match. Didn't know you could have a bird's eye view from the ground. (Nick, Isle of Man).

"We were not consistent at the start of the season, but in the last six weeks this team are different animals."
Arsene Wenger's interesting way of describing his players. (T. Hoss).

"I wonder which way he'll go?"
Darts commentator Tony Green after Martin Adams was left with three. Only one way he could go, Tony - one, double one! (Alan, England).

"My old trainer used to tell us not to blast, but to caress the ball whenever we took possession. If the ball were a woman... she would be spending all night with Berbatov."
Ian Holloway (slightly paraphrased) eulogising Dimitar Berbatov. (Dave, UK).

"David Beckham is not bigger than the Galaxy."
Former LA manager Alexi Lalas shows off his astronomy skills. (Darren Healy, Wales).

"There's only one word for that, brilliant darts."
Sid Waddell at PDC darts. (Conrad Edkins, Halifax).

"Taylor wouldn't give you the dripping off his bacon sandwich."
Waddell on Phil Taylor. (Billy Spice, England).

Gladstone Small
Gladstone Small - man in the know

"Wayne Mardle may think he knows Gladstone Small better than Gladstone Small, but only Gladstone Small knows Gladstone Small as well as anyone."
Quote from a commentator about the darts star and the former England cricketer during a celebrity poker game. (Georgey P, England).

"He has just taken a nasty one on the back of the shin."
Setanta commentator on Gills v Villa. That'll be the calf, then. (Steve Medley, England).

"There's only one Enoch Showunmi. Thank God for that!"
Soccer Saturday's Jeff Stelling. (James Gellian, UK).

"Spurs would be the first to start bleating if clubs made derisory offers for their players."
Middlesbrough's Keith LAMB after Spurs' bid for Stewart Downing. (Ginny Hadfield, Manchester).


"Are you Terry in disguise?"
Chant from Manchester United fans to Didier Drogba after he completely missed the ball trying to shoot! (James, Manchester).

"He swerves to the left, He swerves to the right, That boy Ronaldo, His driving is *****!"
Bolton fans showing their sympathetic stance on the Ferrari incident at the Emirates. (Mark, Lancaster).

"Forest going down with a fiver in the bank!"
Derby fans respond to United's 'City going down with a billion in the bank' chant, to the tune of Yellow Submarine. (Carratty, England).

Graeme Swann
Swanny's champagne moment

"How many special people came? How many flights we had to change? Where were you when we were in Chennai?
"Hit for four with his first ball, Then got Gambhir and the Wall. Where were you when we were in Chennai?
"Somewhere you will find him, taking loads of wickets, in a Swanny Super Over in Chennai.
"Somewhere you will find him, taking loads of wickets, in a Swanny Super Over, a Swanny Super Over...
"Because some people believe that we shouldn't even come here at all...but you and I will never die, and Graeme Swann is just the reason why, why, why, why."
England cricket fans' song for Graeme Swann, to the tune of Oasis's Champagne Supernova. (Jon, England).

"Are you Arsenal in disguise?"
Burnley fans after they went 1-0 up against Spurs in the Carling Cup.

"Are YOU Arsenal in disguise?"
Spurs fans retaliate after going 4-1 up. (Antony, UK )

"That's the way, Saha Saha, we like it, Saha Saha."
Sung at Everton game, to the tune by KC and the Sunshine Band. (Barry Willett, England).

"He's big, he's fast, his first name should be last, Stern John."
Bristol City fans away to Watford. (Daniel Rowe, Somerset).

"Eboue, woahhh, Eboue, woahhh. He comes from Africa. He's better than Kaka!"
Arsenal fans. (Joseph, England).


"It finishes Crawley Town 2, Woking 2. Be sure to tune in to the Blue Square Premier Review on Setanta next week to see how far offside Woking's first goal was!"
Crawley stadium announcer. (Graeme Morton, UK).

"For those fans travelling on the away supporters' coach, please be advised that it has broken down."
Announcement at Aldershot v Dagenham and Redbridge, followed by loud cheers from the home support. (Katie, England).


"0-16... Living The Dream..."
A Detroit Lions fan looks on the bright side of life, despite them being the first team ever to go the entire 16-match NFL season without a win. (Stephen F, UK).

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see also
Sport quotes of the week
08 Jan 09 |  Fun and Games

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