"I gave Ronaldo a shirt. It has got his name on the back. I'm disappointed that I seduced only Ronaldo's mum!"
Arsene Wenger on the day Cristiano Ronaldo slipped through his fingers to Old Trafford, despite charming Mrs R at Arsenal's training ground.
"I'm not delusional. I've still got self-belief that I can become world heavyweight champion next year."
Audley Harrison, shortly before losing to cab driver Martin Rogan. Taxi!
It's impossible to win at Barca's stadium. They are devastating. I think it is their year."
Real Madrid coach Bernd Schuster writes out his own P45.
"When the ball hit the back of the net, I thought 'What am I doing?' But I'm not changing my mind. I know the manager was delighted with it - he said I can have Monday off!"
Darren Anderton's mixed emotions after scoring the winner for Bournemouth in the last game of his career.
"Some players only think about today, spending money for the day, spending money on nights out, on this and on that. After 10 years they have spent a lot of money - too much money - and they have killed the life."
Big Phil aims to help his Chelsea players through the credit crunch.
"It would have been a long time bent if I hadn't had it done, but now I've had it straightened it's OK. The lads are already saying I'm trying to look like the gaffer."
Wolves winger Michael Kightly and his 'Mick McCarthy' hooter.
"I think there are people out to get us. They look at Keane and I in our Manchester United days and see us as snarly old people. But we're not like that. We're nice guys, family men."
Paul Ince - one of the good guys, apparently.
"If I'd scored two goals in the old days it would have been straight to the pub for sausage and chips and a pint. Now it's a bottle of water and some wine gums - it's not quite the same."
Liam Dickinson on the downside of his double for Blackpool against Charlton.
"He is so laid-back. Sometimes when he was playing I thought he was aseep!"
West Brom defender Paul Robinson on the sleeping giant that is former team-mate Kanu.
Ooh, stop it!
"It was all a bit like Frankie Howerd."
Reading boss Steve Coppell's interesting description of the red card for Jimmy Kebe. Titter he didn't.
"The boys were asking why I was shooting from the ark, but we've been practising 45-yard squigglers as we call them. To be fair, it did squiggle."
Hibernian's John Rankin after scoring from just inside Celtic's half with a 'squiggler'.
"Always on the television is Rangers, Celtic, Celtic, Rangers, Rangers, Celtic and other teams only get on the television one or two times, but only if they play against Celtic."
Hearts boss Csaba Laszlo - maybe he should try the Discovery Channel.
"I haven't heard anybody say: 'Oh la la. From now on, they are the richest club in the world'. Us, we know our history."
Patrice Evra digs out his favourite French stereotype, when asked about the biggest team in Manchester.
"The coverage was absolutely dreadful and amateurish. I think the people who run Strictly Come Dancing probably did it rather than anybody to do with football."
Leeds chairman Ken Bates on ITV's coverage of his side's 1-0 FA Cup defeat to non-league Histon. Nothing to do with the embarrassing loss then, Ken?
"I tried to get a pen and write a 'For Sale' sign on him but he was too quick for me."
Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock on striker Shefki Kuqi, who scored against Southampton but will still be sold to balance the books.
"People ask me what books I read, but I only read Boxing News. People ask me what films I like, and I say boxing films."
Olympic gold medallist James
DeGale is boxing clever after turning professional.
AND SOME FROM YOU
He's behind you!
Leicester fan: "It's pantomime season out there!"
Leicester manager Nigel Pearson: "Oh no it isn't!"
During the Leicester-Southend match.
(Samantha, St Andrews).
"He's like the rabbit at the greyhound track, you ain't never gonna catch him."
GolTV's Ray Hudson commentating on a Real Madrid goal. (Victor, Canada).
"People have their own opinions but the only one that matters to me is what my players and my chairman think."
The pressure is obviously beginning to tell on the Guv'nor, speaking on Match of the Day after defeat by Liverpool. You would have though he could count to two as Blackburn always concede at least that many per game..
(Chris Jack, Scotland).
"Everyone will go away happy today, except us."
Just Aston Villa, then? Phil Neville after Everton lose 3-2.
(Stephen Batchelor, Scotland).
"We need to become killers at the back in the nicest possible way."
Watford boss Brendan Rodgers wants the Hornets to murder their opponents, but nicely.
"If you gave those all the time, you'd be giving them constantly."
Pompey's Peter Crouch wins the 'No ****, Sherlock' award for his comment on the free-kick that led to West Brom's goal. (Philippa, Portsmouth).
"We were playing against players who have got names."
Tony Pulis' insightful comment after Stoke's draw with Newcastle. (Alasdair Howe, Scotland).
"United fans are quiter than church mice that have gone on strike."
From Century Radio commentator Chris Cooper during Sunderland v Man United. (P Anderson, UK).
"Certainly Mario Melchiot probably had the best chance."
Matt Le Tissier on Soccer Saturday - certainly you probably missed 'arguably' in that sentence, Matt!
(Krishna Kumar, India).
"We're not scoring much, and that's always a worry as you need goals to win games."
Craig Brewster points out the obvious after Inverness Caledonian Thistle lose 3-1 to Dundee United. (Daniel MacBean, Scotland).
English lessons that way, Ray
"I don't think we're too concerned with too many records, we want to really get some silverware on the table, so as far as that's concerned, we're not too concerned about that, it's another three points as far as we're concerned and that's all that really matters."
Chelsea assistant Ray Wilkins clearly concerned after the Bolton game! He used the word nine times in his post-match interview but this was the highlight.
(Mark Hellaby, UK). And he was only doing the interview to give Scolari a break from 'speaking in a foreign language' - Ed.
"Diggard has just gone off with a cut eyebrow."
Paul Merson on a really nasty-sounding injury in the Hull-Middlesbrough game. (Liam Reid, Lancaster).
"I don't think he finds that Magners so refreshing."
Jonathan Davies on Scrum V after a Munster player was thrown into a Magners hoarding at the opening of the new Scarlets stadium. (Gavin, South Wales).
"We just have to get our heads down and continue to start winning games."
Sunderland's Carlos Edwards. (Garry, Ireland).
Alan Green: "Do you watch the X-Factor second show on Saturdays?"
Lawro: "No...I have a life."
5 Live commentary, Burnley v Arsenal.
(Shaun Blevins, England).
"Howard Wiley has no hesitation pointing to the spot."
ITV commentator after Carlos Tevez was awarded a penalty in the Carling Cup. Apparently Alan Webb is in charge of the next game. (Jack, England).
"The referees say they are human and I have to believe them on that."
Andy Gray on The Last Word.
(Al Morris, Wales).
"Oh no! The fog is starting to lift, I'll probably have to watch the game now."
Matt Le Tissier commentating on Stoke's boring encounter with Hull in the fog, for Sky's Soccer Saturday.
(Steve Grazier, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"2-0 to the tax-payers!" and "Your mum does your laundry!"
AFC Wimbledon fans in good voice against uni side Team Bath. (James Porter, England).
"Are you Arsenal in disguise?"
Burnley fans while winning at Bramall Lane.
(Jack Mulhall, Lincoln).
He's Streets ahead of the rest
"You've got Curly Watts as a celebrity fan...cause City are a massive club!"
Man Utd fans singing to Man City counterparts.
(Luke Steventon, England).
"Shall we buy you louder fans?!"
City fans to United. (Matt, Manchester).
"Who needs Robinho? We've got Routledge-io!"
Cardiff City fans during game with Preston North End.
(Chris Murphy, Wales).
"We're gonna win 5-4!"
Blackburn fans after coming back from 4-1 down to 4-3 in five minutes at Old Trafford.
"You're gonna lose 5-4!"
Man Utd fans' response after Tevez scored a minute later. (Both were wrong - it finished 5-3). (Steven, Manchester).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"In the event of the second half being played, if you hear cheers down the other side of the pitch or near the dugouts, could the manager please ring my mobile. The fog is stopping me from doing my job."
Half-time at the Radcliffe Borough-Garforth Town game. (Mr A Hallam, England).
"Will the steward who is incessantly clicking his radio please desist immediately. It is very annoying."
Heard at St Andrew's. (Andrew Purchase, UK).
"Tottenham 0-1 Everton! Steven Pienaar with the winner. Ooh, for a moment I thought we had a bit of Chelsea-Arsenal love there."
Announcer at Stamford Bridge during Chelsea-Arsenal.
Not so much a comment, but it was funny seing the stadium announcer desperately trying to turn off Sugababes' 'Here Come The Girls' as Partick Thistle ran out for the second half in their pink strips. Does nothing for morale!