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Page last updated at 06:49 GMT, Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

John Carew
Carew laps up the attention

"It was a large oversight on his behalf and the players think he should have been fined double! I used to do it myself - not lap dancing, there weren't such things in my day!"
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on striker John Carew's rather indiscreet visit to a "special" dancing club ahead of their Uefa Cup game against Ajax.

"It's Arsenal and Liverpool next - nine points, what a good start!"
New Spurs boss Harry Redknapp is relieved to be getting the minor fixtures out of the way first.

"I'm sure his missus would enjoy the shopping in Portsmouth far more than in Milan."
Redknapp, in his previous guise as Portsmouth boss, attempts to entice David Beckham to Fratton Park - chances are he won't succeed.

"My timing has never been very good and, this week, it could not have been worse."
But leaving Portsmouth two days before he was awarded the freedom of the city was perhaps not the smartest move in the world.

"We will put in a report. I don't talk to referees. It's like complaining to your mother-in-law about your wife - it doesn't get you too far."
Mum's the word for Ulster coach Matt Williams after the Heineken Cup defeat by Harlequins.

"I think it's important that they pick the right guy. We've seen it at other clubs where they've not picked the right guy and they suffer. I think it's important that they get the right guy. Get the right guy and we'll carry on."
Portsmouth boss Joe Jordan wants to see Redknapp replaced by...well, you get the gist.

"His record's decent, you can't fault it. We've got a decent cup game coming up and are in a decent position in the league."
It's catching - QPR midfielder Gavin Mahon describes former boss Iain Dowie.

Elle McPherson
In your dreams

"Our season is not beyond my wildest dreams - because they usually involve Elle Macpherson."
Hull chairman Paul Duffen after going joint-top of the Premier League, giving us carte blanche to publish a picture of "The Body".

"I felt for a while as if I was watching Australian rules!"
Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has a rant at referee Alan Wiley after his side's 1-1 draw at Everton.

"I am sure to get my usual great reception at Celtic. Maybe I will stand in the centre-circle this time to get the full applause."
Fergie - a former Rangers player - looks forward to his team's Champions League match at Parkhead.

"As I turned to celebrate, someone shoved the hat in my hand. I didnít think about it, I just put it on. The next thing I knew I was being booked."
Chipstead's Darryl Coleman on the booking he received for celebrating his FA Cup goal against Torquay by wearing a pirate hat. As you do.

"The Champions League? I won it with Liverpool and now I want to win it with Juventus."
Momo Sissoko experiences a memory lapse, having joined Liverpool two months after their 2005 triumph.

"If I don't win again, she'll be saying, 'Time to get you back in the bedroom!'"
Grand Prix champion and father of three John Higgins reveals he always seems to win snooker tournaments shortly after his wife gives birth.

"We're actually thinking that Snow White can lead them out. And I'm being serious."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan is worried his side will be dwarfed by Manchester United.

"My reputation will always precede me to the day I die. For some people, that probably can't be quickly enough."
Controversial Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton gives an honest assessment of himself.


Dimitar Berbatov and Wayne Rooney
They make a lovely couple

"Rooney and Berbatov are starting to develop a good relationship... on the field, that is."
ESPN pundit. (Usama, Pakistan)

"To me, that's a lack of impatience."
Joe Johnson commentating on snooker's Grand Prix final, after a miss by Ryan Day. (Max Connell)

"If any team's going to finish fifth, it'll be Villa."
Alan Hansen on MOTD2. Is he suggesting no-one might finish fifth?! (Dave Aust, UK)

"We had to dig in and get back into the game. But we'll look back on this game and performance as three points lost."
Mark Hughes after Manchester City's draw with Newcastle. Didn't realise you don't get a point for a draw now! (Craig Leach, UK)

"Apart from setting up the second goal and having a hand in the third, he didn't really do anything."
Matt le Tissier on Emmanuel Adebayor after the Arsenal-Everton match. (Katie, England)

"Tottenham's Michael Dawson deserved to go on Sunday for following through on a Stoke Player."
Paul Hayward in the Daily Mail. Quite right too, there really is no room for that kind of behaviour in the game. (Greg Cox, Bristol)

"I've got tickets for X-Factor, and my mum said I couldn't have them if I banged my racket or something."
British tennis prodigy Laura Robson after her first WTA match. If that's not motivation to bang a racket, I don't know what is! (Edd, Cardiff)

"I played a lot in goal when I was a kid... I think I've improved a bit, keeping a clean sheet!"
Defender Alan Tate, after coming on as an emergency keeper in the Swansea-QPR game. (Ibrar, Swansea)

"I'm surprised Aragonnes hasn't made any substitutions, perhaps from the bench."
David Pleat commentating on the Fenerbahce-Arsenal game. As opposed to where, David?! (Si, United Kingdom)

"It's as much art as science and as much science as art."
ITV commentary on Arsenal during their European game against Fenerbahce. If it's not pointless enough, say it twice.

"He's not renowned for his trademark headers."
Brian Marwood commentary during the Juventus-Real Madrid Champions League match after Van Der Vaart missed a decent chance with his head. (Neil, England)

"Stephen Ireland scored a last-minute equaliser five minutes before the whistle blew."
Heard on Granada reports after Newcastle-Man City finished 2-2. (David, England)

"Fulham scored in the last minute to snatch a draw, Crouch's 87th-minute goal from Defoe's cross..."
Setanta presenter describing Pompey-Fulham match. And I thought games lasted 90 minutes?! (Graeme Watson, Scotland)

"Man City lead Stoke by three goals to nil, the contest is effectively over, that's why we're discussing Stephen Ireland's Beard."
BBC 5 Live Sports Extra commentator during Man City v Stoke. (Joe White, UK)

Joe Kinnear
Two plus two? I know this one...
"During the week, there were three or four managers mentioned. Gerard Houllier - there were so many, I lost count. Sven-Goran Eriksson was in there as well."
Newcastle boss Joe Kinnear's maths comes up short. (Louis, England)

"They're like for like. That's the difference."
Ray Houghton commentating on a Udinese substitution during the Uefa Cup game with Spurs. (Chris, Hull)

Andy Harper: "Brendon Santalab is 007, he shoots to kill when he gets in those positions."
Mike Cockerill: "Michael Thwaite's had a few too many shaken and not stirred Martini's judging by that defending."
Commentary during Melbourne Victory v Sydney FC. (Michael Pannunzio, Australia)

"It's a massive game and there's another three points there and if we can get them we'll be on minus one. That's a great incentive because we'll be out of the red and in the black as they say!"
Bournemouth defender Jason Pearce speaking about their game against Lincoln City. (Kirsikka, UK)


"Just one Tonetto, give it to me."
Chelsea fans when Roma brought on their substitute. (Ryan, London)

"Two Dickie Harpers, there's only two Dickie Harpers!"
Chant sung at the rather large Grays Athletic physio Dickie Harper at his final game. (Steve Quirk, England)

"You're just a bus stop in West Ham!"
Sung by Colchester fans to Millwall. (Charlie ColU, England)

"Theo, Theo Theo Walcott, he's the only Englishman at Arsenal..."
At Arsenal v Everton - to the tune of Sting's Englishman in New York. (Josh FFeld, UK)

"David Bentley are you listening,
Can you see what you are missing,
Bottom of the league,
With no Champions League,
Walking in an Incey wonderland."
Sung by Blackburn fans at Bolton (to the tune of Walking in a Winterland) . (Ian, UK)

"Bosingwa, Bosingwa, Bosingwa, Bosingwa, Terryeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
To the tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight. A chant at my local pub, during the Chelsea match. (James, Aberdeen)

"Where's your Keegan gone? Far far away."
Sunderland fans to Newcastle. (Dave, Sunderland)

"You're so s*** you could be Exeter!"
Torquay United fans to the Ebbsfleet supporters as the away side won 2-0 to extend their unbeaten run to nine and condemn their hosts to a fourth-straight defeat. (Matt, England)

"Minus 18, it must be cold!"
Watford fans at St Mary's in honour of Luton's Plight! (Mat Ball, England)


"Bolton v Blackburn today, oh the joy. Anyone got any spare paint to watch dry?"
Announcer at the Reebok Stadium. (James Bentley, England)

"If there is a qualified referee in the crowd, can they please make themselves known to the nearest tannoy steward."
Heard at the Peterborough-Brighton game. (Philip Stewart, Peterborough)

"Look, just to let you know, the referee IS qualified!"
Announcer at Peterborough United-Brighton game after the referee had to be replaced. (Sam Clews, UK)

"On loan from Tottenham so that he can feel what three points is like - Andy Barcham!"
Stadium announcer at Gillingham while announcing on-loan midfielder Andy Barcham from Spurs. (Eloise, England)


"Once Forgiven. Twice Forgotten. Judas."
To ex-manager Harry Redknapp at Pompey-Fulham game. (Taufeeq Oldey, South Africa)

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see also
Review of week
21 Oct 08 |  Fun and Games
WAGs quiz special
15 Oct 08 |  Fun and Games

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