Sport quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

A match made in heaven

"Charles dreamt I had an affair with Steve Coppell. I said to him, 'Thanks a lot! You might have made it Mourinho!'"
Cooking goddess Nigella Lawson reveals the man of her dreams in a magazine interview, as conveyed to her by hubby Charles Saatchi.

"The sad thing is she never thought it - it was him! He had wished it on her, which must have peed her off big time. We had a laugh about it, although I didn't like being called a balding gnome!"
Coppell manages to laugh it off - incidentally it was the magazine journalist who made the unkind gnome reference.

"*!@!!*$!@!!"
Joe Kinnear reacquaints himself with Her Majesty's press, rattling off a world-record 52 swear words in five minutes. Gordon Ramsay, eat your heart out.

"He is a coach? I don't know him."
Kinnear has obviously made a big impression on Chelsea boss Luiz Felipe Scolari.

"The players watch the Borat movie and they find it funny. They get the jokes and don't think the movie makes fun of Kazakhstan."
Former Kazakhstan boss Arno Pijpers reveals the unusual preparations for the England game.

"The players eat properly and the cook prepares very good food. I prefer to stay here and eat rather than going to my house. But don't tell my wife - she won't like to hear that!"
Gianfranco Zola bigs up the West Ham chef and could be facing a dish best served cold when Mrs Z finds out.

"I didn't mind the blond wig but I'm not too sure about the false teeth!"
Robbie Savage on being welcomed to Brighton by assistant manager Bob Booker, dressed as.. Robbie Savage.

"We've got sports scientists who insist it's important for the lads to eat after games to refuel, even if it's 2am. I used to refuel after games at West Ham until half past three in the morning in a different way - but then I'm old school."
Harry Redknapp remembers the days when carbohyrates came in pint glasses.

"At Bournemouth, we once went to Grimsby and Luther Blissett turned up in a magnificent cream suit, black shirt and cream tie. We were 3-0 down at half-time and Harry smashed a cup of tea which went all over Luther's suit!"
Stoke manager Tony Pulis has fond memories of working with Redknapp.

Sure,we know Clinton

"He turned up in his purple 70s pimp suit for the game."
Leon Best reveals the interesting dress sense of Coventry team-mate Clinton 'Huggy Bear' Morrison.

"Arsene should be focused on his team."
Roy Keane cuts Wenger down to size after the Arsenal boss had accused Sunderland of playing negatively against his side, even though the Gunners were lucky to snatch a point.

"He has got everything in his game but there are times when he just needs a big hug."
Big Phil shows his soft side when dealing with the enigma that is Nicolas Anelka.

"I told him I was surprised he had curled it in because they usually end up in row Z!"
Hull striker Dean Windass has full confidence in team-mate Geovanni, aka the North London Destroyer.

"So this time I'm not going to mess about. After I've punched his head in in the ring, I'm going to take him outside and give him a right kicking."
Former WBU super-featherweight champion Michael Gomez vows to give Baz Carey a night to remember after accusing him of "bad-mouthing" him following their first fight.

IN GOD WE TRUST

"I must thank God for this success. Credit also goes to Steve Bruce."
Wigan striker Zaki pays homage to the big man, plus the good Lord.

"When I saw the injury, I asked my God 'Look out for this player'. I think God listened and he gave to Didier one more chance to play next month."
Scolari has a hotline to the man upstairs, who kindly granted his wish that Drogba would not need surgery on his injured knee.

"I am already a God and I didn't do anything!"
Robinho is loving life at Man City.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"Chelsea to bid £10 for Napoli's Lavezzi."
BBC Sport website gossip column link on Monday morning. That's not a bad price, I will put in an offer for him for my local Sunday league club. (Andy Cheshire, England).

The Ferrari pit crew await their next customer

"If the Ferrari president is right about the Singapore Grand Prix being a circus, then we have to be grateful to him for providing the clowns."
Bernie Ecclestone after the Ferrari pit crew allowed Felipe Massa to exit the pit box with the fuel hose still attached. (Andrew, Bridgend).

"Scholes is now on his feet in front of us, but very gingerly."
ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley during Aalborg v Man Utd.(newWAYNEorder, UK).

"Any children watching - try not to lip-read Joe Kinnear too carefully."
Adrian Chiles on MOTD2 as the Newcastle boss takes his seat. (Jer, England).

"When you don't score goals it is not easy to win."
Tottenham manager Juande Ramos. I'd say it's impossible unless you're hoping for the odd own-goal. (Glenn Austin, Hampshire).

"You could argue the grass was too green and the ball was too round, but the fact is we were beaten by a better team."
Phil Jagielka reflects on Everton's Merseyside derby defeat. (Ben, Northants).

"The recalled Ryan Giggs was the next to profit from a Berbatov ball but he saw his left-foot spectacularly saved by Brown."
A quote from a BBC report on Blackburn v Man Utd. (Dean, UK).

"I didn't come back over 17 stone - that would be impossible! I came back a few pounds overweight, that was all."
Hearts' Christian Nade refutes claims he ballooned to 17 stone to try and force his exit from the club. (Chris, UK).

"Aalborg goalkeeper Zaza, playing with the same legs that saved Barry Robson's penalty two weeks ago."
Clive Tyldsley is pretty certain Karim Zaza has STILL got the same legs. (Jonathan Moffitt, N.Ireland).

"If Newcastle go down I'll have to give up being an atheist."
Sunderland fan overheard on the train to Villa Park regarding the crisis at Newcastle. (Alyson Warwick, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"C.A.M.P.O!"
To the tune of Ottawan's D.I.S.C.O - sung by Ipswich fans to new hero Ivan Campo at the Barnsley game. (Harrison, Lowestoft).

Ner-ner-ner-ner-ner!

"We won a proper cup."
Pompey fans to Spurs counterparts. (Steve Williams, UK).

"Are you Tottenham in disguise?"
Hull City fans at the Emirates. (Mark, UK).

"You do know what your doing!"
Cardiff fans after referee disallows Freddie Eastwood's goal for Coventry. (Alessandro Di-Girolamo, Wales).

"Oh Vela, Vela
The Mexican Superstar
He's Better Than Cantona!
Oh Vela, Vela"
Arsenal fans' tribute to Carlos Vela after his hat-trick at home to Sheffield United! (Sam Whitehead, London). Bit late, Sam, but worthy of inclusion! Ed.

"You should have stayed at Gatwick!"
Arsenal chant at the Emirates against Porto. (Nick Rafferty, UK).

"Charlie, Charlie, what's the Score?"
Man U fans to Paul Ince, aka 'Big Time Charlie'. (Jer, England).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"And a big round of applause for Hull City. Tottenham nil, Hull City one. Tottenham nil, Hull City one. Tottenham nil, Hull City one. Thank you very much."
Chelsea announcer. (Tom Eyres, England).

"Replacing number 16, Raul Meireles, is number 12, The Hulk."
On 64 minutes at The Emirates when FC Porto's incredibly-named substitute came on. (Steve, England).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?