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Page last updated at 11:15 GMT, Tuesday, 24 June 2008 12:15 UK

Quotes of week

Raymond Domenech and girlfriend Estelle Denis
Is today the day?

"My only thoughts from now on are about getting married to Estelle. I would like to ask for her hand."
France coach Raymond Domenech chooses the perfect time to propose to his girlfriend - immediately after his side's Euro 2008 exit to Italy, live on TV.

"It was just a thought when everything was so sad. I thought life has some beautiful moments and you should tell people you love them. I wanted to show some emotion."
Domenech keeps on digging.

"When you are 20 years old, the old men are all schmucks. And for the older guys, the kids are stupid jerks."
The coach on the harmony in his squad.

"The layout of the hotel was all wrong. It was in a kind of cul-de-sac with only one route in and out. Plus, there were no proper directives from the Swiss about gatherings of people watching us eat."
Domenech pinpoints the real reason for the French failure.

"I'm going to come down to breakfast in a cotton wool suit that morning!"
Kevin Pietersen will take no chances ahead of England's loadsamoney Twenty20 clash with a West Indies all-star XI.

"I have always liked the opera but I need someone I can share it with - you can't go to the opera by yourself."
Novak Djokovic wants a mixed doubles partner for Wimbledon. Form an orderly queue, ladies.

"In 2004, a miracle happened, but maybe it happens once every 30 years. You can't have it every week, or it wouldn't be a miracle."
Greece coach Otto Rehhagel looks forward to Euro 2036.

Alan Titchmarsh
United reveal their new secret weapon

"United have offered my father, Stefano, a job as a gardener and he will accompany me."
Roma teenager Davide reveals the green-fingered gesture that clinched his move to Old Trafford. Expect Fergie to create a position for Mrs Ronaldo any time soon.

"It's the old adage, you play to the whistle. I didn't hear it - it's Arsene Wenger's hearing aid I've got."
Wakefield coach John Kear turns a deaf ear as his side are awarded a try after the hooter had sounded against Huddersfield.

"I practised it today but ended up hitting the floor, tripping over and pirouetting on a length. I had a massive bruise on my thigh to show for my efforts."
BBC columnist Graeme Swann has a go at the KP switch-hit and wishes he hadn't.

"I am like a tomb on top of the bed."
Miguel Angel Jimenez's grave observations on jet-lag after flying from the US to Germany for the BMW International.

"It just seemed when he hit bad shots his knee was in pain and on his good shots he wasn't... when he made the putts and he went down on his knees and shouting 'yeah', his knee wasn't sore."
Retief Goosen questions Tiger Woods' dodgy knee after the World No1's US Open triumph. The following day Woods announced he would miss the Open and Ryder Cup because of...his dodgy knee.

Royal Ascot presenter Julia Bradbury: "We want you to find us three gorgeous women for a fashion show - but there's a twist. They all have to be over 65."
Lucinda from The Apprentice: "Not a problem - I'll get the Queen."


Topless women footballers underneath blanket
The topless team confer under a blanket (sorry)

"I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that - maybe it is because I am not all that much into soccer. I am more into shoes to be honest."
Goalkeeper Jana Bach after Germany's topless women's team suffered a 10-5 defeat to their Austria counterparts. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).

"I don't want to use big words but it is almost a miracle."
Guus Hiddink, not using big words at all, after Russia's defeat of the Netherlands. (Lee O'Toole, England).

"Italy have several Gattusos but only one Pirlo. If Gattuso is a great player, then I'm a priest."
Spanish coach Luis Aragones gets all religious before Spain v Italy. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"Uefa have brought in the very best of Dutch grass....I mean turf."
ITV correspondent on the relaid turf for the Euro quarter-finals. No wonder the guys at Uefa always seem to make nonsensical decisions! (Stephen D, Scotland).

"I suppose the worst thing that can happen if you're a Croatia fan is for your team to take the lead."
Gavin Peacock calls it exactly right before the dramatic Croatia-Turkey quarter-final. (Will, Southampton).

"I was disappointed Mexico didn't qualify for Euro 2008."
Mexico's WWE wrestler Rey Mysterio shows off his extensive football knowledge on Sky. (Jamie, UK).

The Monty Python team
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

"Russia were given the Spanish Inquisition in their first match."
ESPN commentary. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. (Ben, NYC, USA).

"You might say that Frings can only get better..."
Andy Gray on ESPN commenting on Torsten Frings having a broken rib. (James, US).

Ray Stubbs: "Was it a sending off for you Marcel?"
Marcel Desailly: "No, it has ruined the game."
Stubbs: "But surely it was a goal-scoring opportunity."
Desailly: "Yes, but he is not usually a centre-back so he cannot be blamed for this mistake by the referee."
After Eric Abidal's red card against Italy. I must tell my manager to play me out of position so I can't be dismissed. (Benni Sluckis, England).

Big Phil Scolari's reply to the press conference question: "Can you speak any English?" (Andrew Williams, England).

"It's taken I don't know how many years for me to be able to match Borg's record of five."
Roger Federer on winning five Wimbledons in a row - great tennis player, rubbish at maths. (Colin, Israel).

"The winners there are pretty even at 11-11, but unfortunately for Ferrero the unforced errors are the other way round."
Greg Rusedski during second set of Ferrero/Querrey at Wimbledon. (Craig, England).

Titus Bramble
Are you Kolodin in disguise?

"He almost had a Titus Bramble moment there."
Guy Pearce in the Russia-Holland game after Kolodin made an error on the edge of his area before recovering. (Aaron, Stourbridge).

"They can see that Croatia are no great shapes."
Ronnie Whelan is not keen on the Croats' geometry. (Mike, Ireland).

"The ball was still moving when it went in the hole."
Golf commentator states the obvious during the US Open play-off between Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate. (Robin Canning, Scotland).

"I'm left-handed in nearly everything I do - golf, cricket, everything except kicking a ball."
New Zealand batsman Daniel Flynn. (Eippie, Holland).


"I'm really gutted because it means I've had to cut out pizza - pepperoni was my favourite. I'll have to ask my coach if I can have a slice tonight to celebrate."
Elena Baltacha gets the munchies after reaching the second round at Wimbledon. (Alistair, London).

Marmalade on toast
Are you Holland in disguise?

"If you were to take an ariel photo of Basel today, it would look like a piece of toast. With marmalade on it."
Clive Tyldesley describing the Dutch invasion of Basel before the Euro 2008 quarter-final. (Ian Howe, UK).

"It's a wonderful, wonderful signing for us. Stefan Oakes' left foot can peel carrots."
Lincoln City manager Peter Jackson on our new signing. Wow! (Bristol Imp, Bristol).

"He was on that one like a fat kid on a cup-cake."
Fox Sports commentator on a Toronto FC striker quickly making use of a chance and scoring. (Raihaan, Canada).

"Arjen Robben has a foot that can take a pickle from a jar!"
Martin Tyler commentating on Robben's goal against France on SBS here in Australia. (Ian Gittins, Australia).


"If he cut his nails this morning it would have been 2-0, all over."
Lawro reacts to Gregory Coupet's fingertip save from Grosso's free kick during France-Italy. (Jason Hill, England).

"For those of you who are late-comers, I'll refresh your memory of the goalscorers."
Motty on France v Italy. If I was late, how would I remember who scored the goals? (Matthew Cox, England).

The Fast Show's Swiss Toni
Scoring goals is like making love to a beautiful woman...

"He's like 6ft 4in of blancmange...more Swiss Toni than Luca Toni."
Lawro on the Italian striker and his misses. (David Bedlow/Jordan Clough).

"The French need to score, and they bring on a striker called Gomis."
Lawro during Netherlands v France. (Haresh, England).

Motty: "You wouldn't argue with him, would you?"
Lawro: "Only if I was stood behind you!"
During the Austria-Germany game after a collision involving the rather scary Emanuel Pogatetz. (Lee Shore, England).


"Sometimes the cheapest corners can be the most expensive!"
During Russia v Sweden. Classic! (Dave Fletcher, UK).

"Bastian Schweinsteiger isn't the most creative player."
A Pleaty classic as Schweinsteiger is substituted in the 3-2 win over Portugal, after scoring one goal and setting up two more. (Greig Rutherford, Scotland).

"Spain are trying to walk it into the net by heading it."
During Spain v Greece. (Pete Cottrell, UK).


"People are reminded to keep off the playing area at all times, including those with no clothes on."
After a streaker ran on the pitch during a Twenty20 match at Taunton. (Ian Mounsher, UK).

"That concludes today's game, at least we know where not to bowl at Pettini next time."
Announcer at The Oval, after Mark Pettini hit four identical sixes for Essex against Surrey. (Jer, England).


Beer - run out
After Will Beer departed during Sussex's Twenty20 defeat by Essex. (Matt Lond, Grimsby).

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see also
Robbo column
23 Jun 08 |  Fun and Games
Review of the week
13 Jun 08 |  Euro 2008
Big Phil's best quotes
12 Jun 08 |  Football

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