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Page last updated at 05:19 GMT, Tuesday, 17 June 2008 06:19 UK

Quotes of week

Luiz Felipe Scolari
Scolari - you're hired

"I am what you see. I like to play, I like jokes, but my wife knows me best - get in touch with her."
Luiz Felipe Scolari shows who wears the trousers during his first press conference as Chelsea manager in waiting.

"It's a great job but it carries enormous responsibility. Sometimes it is as if it is bigger than being Prime Minister or President."
Big Phil hopes he'll become as popular as Gordon Brown.

"Maybe I can call my old friend Slaven Bilic and ask him to play his mother-in-law as a striker."
Poland coach Leo Beenhaker on his side's chances of making the second round at Euro 2008 ahead of the final group game with Croatia.

"Maybe he wants to show he is a big boy."
Beenhakker won't be having Howard Webb round to dinner for a while after the English referee's controversial penalty award in the 1-1 draw with Austria.

"As the Prime Minister I have to be balanced and collected but on Thursday night I wanted to kill."
Polish PM Donald Tusk gets his teeth into Webb.

"A million dollars apiece is not to be sniffed at so you won't find me crossing the road with my eyes shut."
Kevin Pietersen can think of a million reasons to avoid being ruled out of Sir Allen Stanford's Twenty20 extravaganza.

"I'd buy Luton Town Football Club."
Monty Panesar is clearly mad for the Hatters after revealing what he'd do with the 500,000 on offer for winning one of the lucrative games - if selected.

"I find it boring."
Sir Allen Stanford gives his considered opinion on Test cricket.

Albert Einstein
Cricket plus billionaire equals loadsamoney

"There was a lot more snap in our training ahead of the Twenty20 match with New Zealand and you don't have to be Einstein to work out why."
KP'S theory on how to get relatively wealthy.

"He came up to me and said 'I was thinking about doing that in bed last night'."
Paul Collingwood reveals what Pietersen said after hitting one of his outrageous left-handed sixes against New Zealand. Mrs KP was not available for comment.

"People are thinking 'ker-ching"'
Bowler Graham Onions on the prospect of taking part in the lucrative new Twenty20 Champions League.

"He's a bit nice to them, a proper Englishman. I try to encourage him not to be nice to girls."
Jamie Murray's likely Wimbledon mixed doubles partner, Liezel Huber, wants the Scot to treat 'em mean when he faces female opponents.

"Scolari behaves like those people who ask to borrow our car, full of gas, they use it for a week and then they abandon it in a street somewhere, without gas, and don't even have the good manners to ring us up and tell us where the car is."
Manchester United assistant Carlos Queiroz will be delighted to see Big Phil next season if his previous comments about the treatment of Ronaldo are anything to go by.


"Most Passes Completed: Portugal 150%"
Euro 2008 official website's statistics page - (Big B, UK).

"Tomas (Rosicky) has had surgery on his knee and we expect him to be flying by pre-season."
A fairly bold claim from Arsenal and England physio Gary Lewin. (Ed, England).

Postman Pat
He always delivers

"This partnership needs to deliver like a postman on amphetamines."
Tom Fordyce's text commentary when England were struggling for runs in ODI with New Zealand. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"I think Daniel Vettori quite fancies Kevin Pietersen."
Commentator Mark Nicholas on the news that might make Mrs Vettori slightly concerned. (Aky H, England).

"If a spaceship landed in the centre circle, direct from Mars, I wouldn't be surprised."
ITV's Jon Champion, commenting during the Czech Republic-Turkey game, is clearly not a man to bother organising a surprise party for. (Bryan Beard, Belgium).

"Koller was literally, literally, right up his backside there."
Andy Townsend commenting on Jan Koller's positioning in the Turkish penalty box. (Owain Loft, London).

"Magnus Hedman - another man familiar with these shores."
Steve Rider before Spain v Sweden, forgetting Switzerland and Austria are landlocked. (Andy, UK).

"I am not superstitious. It brings bad luck."
French coach Raymond Domenech at a press conference before Holland-France. (Eef, The Netherlands).

"We know France are going to have to score if they are going to win this game."
Bolo Zenden on France v Romania. (Aidan Bryan, Wales).

"There's more than one way to shave a cat."
Andy Gray during the France-Holland game.

"This is a Dutch oven and the French just got roasted."
Adrian Healey during the same match. (Chris Riding, United States).

Italy's finest...

"The careless foul on Wesley Sneijder was given away by sorry, Lambretta."
Commentator on Eurosport about Italian player Gianluca Zambrotta! (Chris Hart, England).

"Republic of Czechoslovakia."
ITV commentator David Pleat invents a new country during the Portugal-Czech Republic match. (Philip Craig, Scotland).

"We are playing against the world champions and if you don't score against Italy then you can't win"
Romania coach before their group game with Italy. But how can you win if you don't score? (Prince Dornu-Leiku, Ghana).

"Welcome to the Uefa Euro 2008 Water Polo Tournament."
ESPN commentators during the rainy Switzerland-Turkey match. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).

"Ronaldo!!! Great ping from 35 yards with his swinger! Cech firmly palms away."
Eurosport text commentary on the Portugal-Czech Republic game at Euro 2008. (Pradeep Silva, India).

Ray Stubbs: "Marcel, would you say that so far Spain have been the best team in the tournament?"
Marcel Dessailly: "Definitely. For me, Germany have been the best."
Stubbsy and Desailly confuse everyone following Spain's victory against Russia. (Stephen F, UK).

"Richard Hills rides Tajaweed in the Derby and rides Tajweed in the 1:50 so be careful with your Tajers."
Jim McGrath during the Derby coverage. (Bill Scott, England).

"The Italians will be asking - would Holland have scored the second goal if they hadn't already got the first?"
Clive Tyldesley referring to the Netherlands' controversial first goal against Italy but struggling with the idea of whether two comes before, or after, one. (Shaun Donnelly, Middlesbrough).

"And they'll be attacking their own fans in the second half..." Irish TV commentator during Austria v Croatia. Steady on, lads. (Ross, Ireland).

Jonathan Pearce: "That's the first pass Senna has wasted." Mark Lawrenson: "Have you been looking at the half- time stats?"
Pearce: "I have a sad life." (Marcus Jackson, UK).

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
You won't see Brad in the pits

"Well Brad Pitt he ain't but he's had a great race today."
Mark Blundell on Robert Kubica winning the Canadian Grand Prix. (David Holgate, Largs, Scotland).

Mike Atherton: "The European Championships are coming up. Who will you be supporting, Bumble?"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd: "Brazil."
Banter during the cricket. (Jon, Wales).

"They will have to beat both the Netherlands and the Dutch."
Football expert on BBC World Service assesses French chances at Euro 2008. (Adam Roberts, Cayman Islands).

"Rat has a chance to build for the Romaniacs."
Classic quote from Irish commentator Jimmy Magee on Romania's Razvan Rat. (Jerry Gardner, Ireland).

"In Italian football that would be called an own goal."
BBC commentator on the Netherlands v Italy. So what is it in English footie, then? (Jacqueline, Hong Kong).

"Hatton has 44 wins from 42 professional fights."
Caption on BBC boxing story. We knew he was good... (Fiona, UK).

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see also
Robbo column
16 Jun 08 |  Fun and Games
Review of the week
13 Jun 08 |  Euro 2008
Big Phil's best quotes
12 Jun 08 |  Football

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