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Page last updated at 06:08 GMT, Wednesday, 7 May 2008 07:08 UK

Quotes of the week

Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher
Don't Thak Sven in anger, says Noel

"I would give him a big kiss. And I'd say 'you know what, Sven? Take him to the cleaners'."
Manchester City fan and Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher has no doubts about what Sven-Goran Eriksson should do to owner Thaksin Shinawatra, who is set to show the Swede the exit door at Eastlands.

"I think it's very, very nice."
The ever self-effacing Sven on the overwhelming support from the City faithful, who sung his name throughout their 1-0 defeat to Liverpool.

"There's only one 'Special One'."
Avram Grant cannot resist a little dig after out-specialing Jose Mourinho by taking Chelsea to their first-ever Champions League final.

"If Mourinho was here I don't think he could have done any better."
Poor Jose is getting it from all corners as Brian Laws enthuses about keeping Sheffield Wednesday up in the Championship after a 4-1 thrashing of Norwich.

"I will be watching on my IMAX 3D Home Cinema, with 136 speakers and smellivision, which has been purpose-built in an old Roman amphitheatre, overlooking the Manchester Ship Canal basin."
Who needs to burn more roubles than Roman Abramovich's bank balance on getting to Moscow when Kreme_kaka_d on 606 will watch the all-English Champions League final on his unique home entertainment system?

"It has potential to go pear-shaped."
An inundated operator working at the Russian National Tourist Office, which was set to process a zillion visa applications from Manchester United and Chelsea fans on behalf on the Russian Embassy in London.

"If he wants me to stay on my feet, maybe he should tell his defenders to stop hitting me."
Didier Drogba hits back at Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez's so-called dossier on his penchant for diving after helping Chelsea knock their Premier League rivals out of the Champions League.

"Technically he is the worst player I have ever seen in my life - and he knows it. He has no skill at all. We all have more skill than him."
Blackburn striker Benni McCarthy welcomes Robbie Savage back to Ewood Park with open arms.

Artist Damien Hirst
Damien Hirst: Baize of glory
"What I did was wrong. Sree is like my younger brother."
Mumbai Indians' Harbhajan Singh is banned for 11 matches after a not-so-happy slap on international team-mate and King's XI Punjab fast bowler Sree Santh.

"I'm going to buy a Ford Focus convertible, I've been dying to get one!"
Unlike new Bentley-loving world snooker champion Ronnie O'Sullivan, beaten finalist Ali Carter opts for the more frugal approach to car-buying after scooping serious loot for the second 147 maximum break at the Crucible.

"When I was a kid I made a snooker table for my brother out of bits of wood, onion bags for pockets, wobbly sticks for legs and sticky-back plastic and drawing pins. You couldn't play on it, though. It was crap."
Trendy artist Damien Hirst on his failed attempts to create his own Crucible magic on his home-made baize.

"You can't talk to him, it's impossible, he's nuts."
IBF and WBO heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko isn't impressed with Briton David Haye's verbals about a potential world title fight.

"The only thing we did well was kick off, really."
Wigan coach Brian Noble finds it difficult to take positives after the Warriors were thoroughly thrashed 57-16 by rivals St Helens on the second day of Super League's Millennium Magic in Cardiff.


Kevin Keegan and Avram Grant exchange words after Chelsea's 2-0 win over Newcastle
"Chateauneuf du Plonk? Never heard of it, Kev"
"He's just played his 100th game, but he was here last time I was, which was 1936, so he must be about 50 now."
Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan on Liverpool's interest in goalkeeper Steve Harper. Nice maths there, Kev... (Ollie, England)

Keegan again, this time when asked whether Sir Alex Ferguson would send a bottle of wine his way if the Magpies beat Chelsea on Monday:
"I doubt it! Not a good one anyway. It'll be one of those Chateauneuf du Plonk!"

"I don't have a preference who wins the title. The best team usually win - except the time when we lost it. That time the best team came second."
Keegan again, this time reminiscing on the vintage Newcastle team which clutched Premier League defeat from the jaws of victory in 1996.(Paul Sanderson, Newcastle)

Matt le Tissier: "And Southampton have got all 11 men in their own box now!"
Jeff Stelling: "Well that'll be a bit tricky considering they've only got 10 men."
Former Saints favourite Le Tiss gets a little too emotionally involved for Sky Sports, watching Southampton's 3-2 thriller over Sheffield United - forgetting Stern John had been sent off earlier. (Josh)

"Its a case of squeaky Brum time."
Match of the Day's Gary Lineker on Birmingham's relegation plight. (Chris Humphris)

"And Brian McBride scores a powerful header with his head!"
The one and only Chris 'Candid' Kamara on Sky Sports after Fulham go 1-0 up against Birmingham. (Greig Cunningham, Scotland)

"Breaking news: The Rangers plane to take them home has been cancelled - but they don't need one to fly home."
Commentator after Rangers booked their place in the Uefa Cup final, beating Fiorentina on penalties. (Robbie O'Neill, England)

Liang Wenbo in action in the World Snooker Championships
Liang Wenbo - the word safety is not in his vocabulary
"Being Scottish, I'm gutted. I've paid for a hotel room that I am never going to see."
A Rangers fan tells BBC Radio One about his impending all-night celebrations in Florence. (Harry Ward, England)

"I don't think United should push for a second."
ITV co-commentator David Pleat in the 86th minute of the Barca game. That's how you become a professional manager then. (Daniel Galloway, England)

"Every clearance worth its weight in gold."
ITV commentator Clive Tyldsley in the Manchester United v Barcelona game. Just how much does a clearance weigh then Clive? (Martin Bello, UK, Brighton)

"Massie is gone, he has done his hamstring, no it's his Achilles. He has done something to his right leg, he is hobbling badly - no wait, his boot's come off."
Australian rules football commentator trying to figure out what was wrong with Kris Massie during Carlton v Adelaide match. (Matt Innes, Hong Kong)

"If he played that shot 100 times, he'd pot it 99.9 times."
Willie Thorne on the snooker final after Ali Carter missed a black off the spot. (Andrew, UK)

"If he wins the next two he may well go in with a lead."
With the Stephen Maguire-Joe Perry match locked at 7-7 with two frames to play, Terry Griffiths shows the rules of basic maths also apply to snooker. (Stephen Rooney, Ireland)

"That looks like a safety shot from Liang Wendo. Must have been a miscue or something."
Steve Davis at the World Snooker Championship commentating on one of Liang's rare safety shots. (William, UK)


Portugal manager Luiz Felipe Scolari
"Oooh how I wish you weren't here"
Manchester City fans singing to the tune of Pink Floyd's "The wall":
"We don't need no Phil Scolari,
"We don't need Mourinho,
"Hey! Thaksin! Leave our Sven alone!" (Alex and James Halfpenny, Manchester)

To the tune of "Santa Claus is coming to town":
"You better watch out,
"You better beware,
"He's good on the ground and he's good in the air,
"Santa Cruz is coming to town." (Liam, Blackburn)

Dagenham & Redbridge fans to manager John Still after he substituted midfielder Glen Southam for Sam Sloma at 2-0 down:
"You don't know what you're doing."

Same fans to Still after Sloma scored one of the Daggers' goals in the 3-2 victory to avoid relegation:
"You do know what you're doing!" (Ian Gorsuch)

"Jon Pantsil, Wooaah,
"Jon Pantsil, Wooaaahh
"He comes from Africa,
He's better than Kaka."
West Ham fans get a little carried away with their praise for Ghanaian international defender Pantsil. (Scott, UK)


Grange Hill's Roland Browning
Last seen running across Edgeley Park
"Will the fat kid please get off the pitch."
Stadium announcer after the Stockport v Brentford game. (Ben Nuttall, England)

"Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV."
Mansfield stadium announcer after the Stags lost to Rotherham, more or less guaranteeing relegation. (Wayne, GB)

"Couldn't you all do this in the car park?"
Swansea City stadium announcement after their 4-1 win over Leyton Orient, prompting fans to invade the pitch in sheer delight. (Anonymous, Wales)

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