It was the Drogs Ballacks for Chelsea at Stamford Bridge
"It must be necessary for a player to bring a gun and shoot one of our men in the box for us to get a penalty."
Man Utd's assistant boss Carlos Queiroz brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'drive-by shooting' after Cristiano Ronaldo's penalty appeal is turned down in the crucial 2-1 defeat to Chelsea.
"To give a penalty for that in a game of such importance, on the linesman's say-so, is absolutely diabolical. Granted, the ball hit Carrick's hand but he couldn't get out of the road."
Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson doesn't quite agree with referee Alan Wiley's decision to award Chelsea their match-winning penalty.
"It was handbags really."
Chelsea groundsman Sam Bethell's summation of his post-match altercation with Manchester United's Patrice Evra. The FA may see it differently...
"Didi is a strong boy!"
Chelsea's two-goal hero Michael Ballack on his bizarre free-kick row with team-mate Didier Drogba, a spat eventually decided by the robust Ivory Coast striker.
'With Drogba, it's important to have a good referee. You can't do anything, but I will say it because it was so clear. He is amazing because he is massive. It's very impressive."
However, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez thinks our Didi falls over a little too regularly for a strong boy, without actually saying it.
"I think I deserve to win!"
A thoroughly impartial and unabashed Cristiano Ronaldo on his candidate for PFA Footballer of the Year. Unsurprisingly, he won.
"He (the Pope) is not a bad lad. If it said 'God bless Myra Hindley', I might have a problem."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan on goalkeeper Artur Boruc's controversial 'God bless the Pope' T-shirt, which incensed travelling Rangers fans in the 3-2 Old Firm derby victory.
"I don't think I've ever hit anyone. No, wait a minute. At primary school there was this boy called Daniel Banks who had me in a neck lock and he'd stolen my football. I hit him."
The Premier League's hatchet men quiver in fear as Arsenal's baby-faced assassin Theo Walcott reveals the consequences when you make him angry.
Not so cheery for some in India
"I'll be getting a Bentley GT convertible now - I've been dying to get one."
Ronnie O'Sullivan is planning a shopping spree after hitting a maximum 147 break against Mark Williams at the World Snooker Championship in Sheffield that will earn him £157,000 - just so long as no one repeats the feat.
"I went to Strictly Come Dancing as a guest of Willie Thorne and it changed my life. It was a brilliant experience and I thought I had to have some of those trousers."
Shaun Murphy explains his raison d'être for his spangly, sequinned trousers during his first round win over Dave Harold at the Crucible.
"We live in India where womanhood is worshipped. How can anything obscene like this be allowed? This thing is meant for foreigners and not for us. Mothers and daughters watch these matches on television. It does not look nice."
Indian Premier League cheerleaders provide too much of a distraction for Maharashtra politician Siddharam Mehetre.
"I'm not used to being banged up."
Sprinter Dwain Chambers notes the subtle differences between running the 60m and rugby league during his first game for Castleford Tigers reserves.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Didier Drogba has the lowest pain threshold in the northern hemisphere."
ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley's during the Liverpool v Chelsea Champions League semi-final.
"Someone tell him he's two nights late for the Baftas."
BBC Radio 5 Live's Mark Lawrenson after Drogba tumbles over yet again.
'Bruno to aisle 14"
Clive Tyldesley commentating on the Liverpool v Chelsea as Fabio Aurelio hits the ground holding his crotch
"He seems to be holding his head..." (Tom C, UK)
: "The last time Liverpool scored at Stamford Bridge, it was Bruno Cheyrou."
: "He's working at Tesco now, isn't he?" (Saadaab Janab, London)
"Liverpool and Chelsea have had 150 major competitive meetings; Liverpool lead by 58 wins to 44, with 28 draws."
Stats on the BBC website ahead of the Liverpool v Chelsea Champions League semi-final. What happened in the other 20 games then?
(Simo Williams, England)
"Just look around this place, it's incredible... If I had hair, it'd be standing on the back of my head."
The follically challenged Ray Wilkins just before kick-off in the Champions League semi-final between Barcelona and Manchester United.
"This tie will go to the second leg, where it will be decided."
Former England manager Steve McClaren's pearls of wisdom on BBC Radio 5 Live.
"The guy is just like Shakespeare - he makes plays."
An American commentator sees similarities with the Bard and Cristiano Ronaldo.
(Matt Haslett, Canada)
"Stoke from Paul-on-Trent is on the line."
Alan Green shows his age on 606
. (George Quin, England)
"Aston Villa have scored 15 goals in their last three games, including three each for Young, Barry, Carson and Agbonlahor."
Match of the Day 2 commentator before Everton v Aston Villa. Scott Carson is apparently scoring more than he is letting in!
(Jonathan, Lincoln, England)
"It's good to have your full-backs coming forward, like Gary Neville does here for Everton."
Lee Dixon gets his Nevilles in a muddle on the Everton v Aston Villa game on MoTD2.
"Varney's got sore ribs, a sore groin, bellyache, headache, nose ache, earache and toe ache from that tackle - so he should be okay for Monday."
Charlton boss Alan Pardew looks on the bright side as Luke Varney recovers from an 'assault' by Barnsley's Marciano van Homoet.
(Tim Kitching, UK)
"Man City 12-0 Fulham."
Sven-Goran Eriksson's sides go a little goal-potty at Eastlands, according to the BBC Sport website's Live Premier League commentary.
"Have I got time for a time for a ciggie?"
"I know for a fact that the squad of players we have here are a better group than they have at their disposal."
Rushden and Diamonds' Andy Burgess on his ex-Oxford United team-mates, who beat Rushden 1-0 the next day, ensuring they would finish above the Diamonds in the Blue Square Premier. Funny how things come back to bite you, eh Andy?
(Nick Bean, Spain)
"Britain's Andy Murray secured a 6-4 6-1 victory over Filippo Volandri to set up a third-round clash with Filippo Volandri at the Monte Carlo Masters."
BBC website after Andy Murray's win against... Filippo Volandri.
(Mathew Vaughan, England)
Eurosport commentator at the World Snooker Championship watching the fast-playing Mark Allen
"This reminds me of the 147 Ronnie O'Sullivan made here in five minutes 20 seconds."
Co-commentator Joe Johnson
: "I once saw Terry Griffiths take longer than that to break off." (Allan Morris, UK)
"Forty years I've been coming here (to Goodison Park) and I've never known a game on a Thursday. Thursday is bingo night."
Everton fan behind me at the Chelsea game.
(Reuben Leach, UK)
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
Habib Beye: Aaaaaaaay!
To the tune of Dad's Army
"Who do you think you are kidding Swansea City?
"If you think you've won the league?
"We are the boys that will come and break your toys.
"When we take the league away!"
Sung by Leeds fans at Yeovil Town
. (Lee S, Northants)
To the tune of 'Happy Days
"Sunday, Monday Habib Beye, Tuesday, Wednesday, Habib Beye!"
(David Wilkinson, Newcastle)
"Que sera sera,
"Whatever will be, will be,
"We're going to Forest Green,
"Que sera sera."
Sung by newly relegated Wrexham fans against Hereford
. (Adam, Wales)
To the tune of 'Que Sera'
"John Carew, Carew,
"He's bigger than me and you,
"He's gonna score one or two,
"John Carew, Carew."
Chant at Aston Villa v Birmingham (Peter Hill, UK)
"We've got small Cox, We've got small Cox!"
Brighton fans after tiny hitman Dean Cox scored their winner in the 2-1 victory over Hartlepool
. (James, England)
To the tune of Black Lace's Agadoo
"Anderson-son-son, he's better than Kleberson,
"Anderson-son-son, he's our midfield magician,
"To the left to the right we'll dance the samba beat tonight,
"He is class, our midfield brass, and he s@%*s on Fabregas!" (Steve Williams, England)
"One Naka, two Naka, three Nakamura,
"Four Naka, five Naka, six Nakamura,
"Seven Naka, eight Naka, nine Nakamura,
Sung by Celtic fans during the 3-2 win over Rangers on Sunday
. (E O'Doherty, Northern Ireland)
STADIUM ANNOUCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"The scorer for Belper - someone wearing a yellow shirt."
Stadium announcer Roger Skinner during the Colwyn Bay v Belper Town UniBond League match.
(G Jabbers, Wales)
"We will shortly be announcing the winner of the £1000. Maybe you could buy a tank of petrol with it."
Steve Jordan, Hull City stadium announcer, gives his views on the ever-increasing oil prices.
"Just to confirm, Barnsley are officially staying up. Now can you please all get off the pitch."
Stadium announcer at Oakwell as thousands of Barnsley fans run on to the pitch to celebrate their 3-0 win over Charlton. There had been several announcements during the match begging the fans not to invade the pitch after the game
. (Tim Kitching, UK)