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Page last updated at 06:08 GMT, Tuesday, 15 April 2008 07:08 UK

Quotes of the week

By Pranav Soneji

Portsmouth goalkeeper David James and his big hair
David James: One fro all and all fro one

"I was going to cut my hair the other week and if I had done we'd have lost 1-0, so hooray for afros."
Portsmouth goalkeeper David James on his rapidly expanding barnet's superb point-blank save to deny Newcastle's Michael Owen.

"I was surprised to hear of meetings and surprised who the people in those meetings were. I am surprised at things I have read."
A surprised Rafa Benitez learns about Liverpool's trans-Atlantic boardroom antics involving Jurgen Klinsmann.

"Gareth's more the talker and listens to people when they're speaking - but if you need a kick up the backside you'll get it."
Middlesbrough winger Stewart Downing on Gareth Southgate's text-book approach to football management.

"Unfortunately, the pie of the Premiership, the big pie which has all of a sudden become a massive pie, has got lots of money inside it."
Former Liverpool and Wales striker Dean Saunders channels the spirit of Alan Partridge

"I hope it's true. I would not protest against it. But I don't know if Ronaldinho wants to play in the InterToto Cup next season."
Manchester City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson - with tongue firmly in cheek - responds to rumours that the club are preparing a move for Barcelona's Brazilian star.

"This has been the ultimate rollercoaster ride - and I hate rollercoasters."
South African Trevor Immelman will not be popping over to Disneyworld to celebrate his Masters victory.

"Heath Slocum could be a term for a temporary doctor in Wuthering Heights; Brandt Snedeker, a device for cooking sausages to a turn at German barbecues; and Brett Wetterich, a description of three days of consecutive drizzle in the Scottish Highlands."
Guardian columnist Martin Kelner gives his Call My Bluff-style alternatives for the trio of American golfers at Augusta.

"Look at me, I'm still pretty."
IBF light-heavyweight champion Antonio "Magic Man" Tarver delivers the coup de grace after his unanimous points decision win over Sheffield's Clinton Woods in Florida.

"I liked our grizzle in defence."
Hull KR coach Justin Morgan's verdict after his side's 20-18 victory over Bradford. No idea what he's on about either.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"To be sitting on the bench behind somebody who only started to play when he was 30 is not funny."
Jens Lehmann's take on Arsenal goalkeeping rival Manuel Almunia, meeee-aow. (Anees I, London)

"72:35: Shot by Robin van Persie (Arsenal) left-footed from left side of penalty area (18 yards), save (caught) by Jens Lehmann (Arsenal)."
From BBC Sport website's text commentary. Why is Van Persie shooting at his own keeper? (Royston, Oldham)

Strictly Come Dancing fan Bruce Forsyth
Good game, good game

"I can't say we are the best in England but I don't think there is a team stronger than us."
Chelsea manager Avram Grant with another classic line. (Dom, UK)

Post-match interview with Edwin van der Sar on MUTV talking about the unseasonable weather:
"In the second half, the snow was proper white."
He was recently nominated United's most intelligent player... (Stacey, UK)

"They have their eyes on fifth place and have one eye on the Cup final."
From Kevin Keegan commenting on 'Arry's Portsmouth. We should buy KK a copy of Grey's Anatomy for Christmas! (Jamie, York)

Following a BBC Radio 5 Live interview with Bruce Forsyth at half-time in the Manchester United v Roma match:
Lawro: "How old do you reckon he is?
Commentator: "Mid-70s?"
Lawro: "Higher!"
(Chris Jones, England)

"It was just one of those goal celebrations, like Carlos Tevez, the player lifts up his shirt to reveal another top, which has nothing on it. Either it was mean to be pointless or he forgot to write on it."
BBC Suffolk reporter on Ipswich Town's Jordan Rhodes's goal celebration. (Lisa B, UK)

"I wonder just how long these four minutes will last?"
Err...four minutes? Archie McPherson states the bleeding obvious commentating at the end of the Rangers v Sporting Lisbon Uefa Cup game. (Various)

"Life is evolving - life is revolving. That's what life is all about, win or lose."
Scunthorpe boss Nigel Adkins on BBC Radio Humberside, reported on the BBC Sport website. Thanks for clarifying matters, Nigel!

"Leon Pryce is 6ft 4in but sometimes when you see him running he looks like he is 8ft 12in. He ended up being 9ft 15in by the time that game finished. He's a big man to stop."
Harlequins coach Brian McDermott on St Helens's ever-growing Leon Pryce. (Andy S, Liverpool)

"Amen Corner, currently twinned with Terminal 5 at Heathrow - both are proving difficult to get through."
BBC Golf commentator Ken Brown at Augusta. (Ben Frith, England)

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Let's pretend, Let's pretend, Let's pretend we've scored a goal YEAAAAAAAAH!"
AND
"He plays on the left, he plays on the right, Mile Sterjovski makes us look alright."
Derby fans sing their hearts out despite going down 6-0 to Aston Villa. (Elliott, Derby)

Andriy Voronin in action for Liverpool
Paris Hilton has gone downhill since her move to Merseyside

"Let's all laugh at Carson, let's all laugh at Carson, la la la laa."
More efforts from the ever-cheery Rams supporters. (Josh, Derby)

"We're gonna win 7-6, gonna win 7-6!"
Guess who? (John, Derby)

"You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm, You've got one tractor on your farm."
Crewe fans singing away at Yeovil - then it changed to two tractors, then three, four, all the way up to 14. (Ed: Lost on me too) (J Blake, England)

"You're just a fat Paris Hilton."
Sung to striker Andriy Voronin at Arsenal v Liverpool in the Champions League first leg. (Marco Gaspari, England)

"We love you coppers, we do."
Mansfield fans to the Macclesfield police after unwanted prospective buyer John "Harchester" Batchelor was escorted out of the visiting fans end. (Alan Broughton, UK)

STADIUM ANNOUCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"I apologise for my mistake, Darren Purse is today's captain and not Stephen McPhail. Don't worry, I will personally take whoever is responsible outside and whip them with a wet tea towel."
Ninian Park stadium announcer before Cardiff City's 3-1 win over Blackpool.

"A text has come in from Leighton James. He apologises for what he said about Cardiff City and has asked that fans stop sending pizzas and taxis to his house at 3am in the morning. But Lee Trundle has been speaking to Leighton and has said feel free to send as many pizzas as you like to his house."
Cardiff's stadium announcer tickles the Bluebirds faithful with tales of two former Swansea City favourites.

"Today's attendance is 14,715 and remember, money can't buy you everything but it can buy you a Cardiff City season ticket at a discounted price up until 5pm on Monday."
Cardiff's stadium announcer signs off in style with his final pearl of wisdom. (Steve, Wales)

MISSPELT SHIRT OF THE WEEK

West Indies fast bowler Jerome Taylor's misspelt shirt
Not even close

"TAYROL"
Someone forgot to run the spell-check on West Indies fast bowler Jerome Taylor's shirt in the West Indies's one-day international against Sri Lanka in Trinidad. (Sarah Hayward, England)



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