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Page last updated at 16:09 GMT, Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Sir Alex Ferguson
Fergie is all bubbly again

"I think if we win and Arsenal and Chelsea lose, it will be a good day!"
Sir Alex Ferguson hopes for a miracle result at Stamford Bridge on 'Grand Slam Sunday'.

"I feel I can still do the same job as I did 10 years ago - I've just got a few more wrinkles!"
'Oldenballs' David Beckham on the prospect of winning his 100th England cap against France.

"When I was first in the squad he'd be practising his free-kicks, doing all these annoying things. I still can't read those free-kicks - the lad's very, very good."
David James on Beckham's annoying habits.

"I'm going to celebrate this win by going out with my wife - I haven't taken her out for a few weeks!"
Kevin Keegan after Newcastle beat Fulham - Keegan's first win since his return to the club.

"Mr Coppell basically does nothing during training. He just walks about and looks at how committed every player is.''
Reading midfielder Marek Matejovsky is not impressed by his manager's training techniques.

"I walk around and don't do anything, do I? I've been a manager for 25 years yet amazingly people still employ me.''
Coppell hits back.

"If someone wants to buy Diego, they have to kill me first."
Werder Bremen president Jurgen Born reveals playmaker Diego will leave over his dead body.

"It's like having Cristiano Ronaldo for your pub footie team."
Hendon rugby player Daniel Hayes after All Blacks legend Taine Randell turned out for opponents College School Old Boys - and helped them to a 57-12 victory.

David Beckham signing autograph
How do you spell David again?

"Meeting David Beckham... I might take my autograph book!''
Middlesbrough's David Wheater gets starry-eyed after earning his maiden call-up to the England squad.

"He comes in with these autograph books and asks players to sign. I say 'Go away, I'm your colleague now'."
Wheater's team-mate George Boateng confirms the youngster is a serial offender.

"He deserves it. I haven't seen him yet - I think he is on an open-top bus in Redcar."
Wheater's boss Gareth Southgate knows he won't get carried away by the news.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"Ashley Cole's tackle has got him into trouble again."
Mark Saggers on 5 Live after Cole's rash tackle on Alan Hutton. (Ian, UK).

"That was a good penalty, he just failed to hit the target."
BBC co-commentator during the Dundee Utd-Rangers CIS Cup final penalty shoot-out. (Kieran Hudson, Scotland).

"Ryan Sidebottom is giving Kyle Mills a stare like one of those WWWF boxers."
Aggers on TMS trying to say 'like a WWE wrestler'! (Bhavik, London).

"First-choice keeper Kelvin Davis is out after dislocating a finger when he caught it in another player's shorts."
From BBC Sport website article... use your own imagination! (WoodenBen, England).

"At this time of the night I have to check spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch every time I leave the office."
Ben Dirs at his magical best during the BBC's cricket live text. (Leigh Matthews, Suffolk).

Rhubarb
Try this for size, Vaughany

"They could've batted better with a stick of rhubarb."
Geoff Boycott on England's poor batting on day one in Napier. (Anon).

"Me and my team always work so hard outside that square circle."
Floyd Mayweather on how hard he and his team work. (Luke Carter, England).

"Gebrselassie will skip Beijing marathon."
From CNN International Sports ticker. (Matt, UK).

"At his age he is not going to play forever."
Scotland boss George Burley on David Weir. At what age can you play forever? (George Ballard, Cardiff).

"I must admit I suffered a bit when I first came to England. But then I realised that there was nothing to be intimidated by, everybody had two legs."
Liverpool midfielder Lucas on settling in. (Alex Hill, England).

"Save them."
Rangers keeper Alan McGregor when asked what his philosophy on penalties was before the CIS Cup final shoot-out with Dundee United. (Caol Nicolson, Scotland).

"I got a really good start and was pretty happy as we jumped five positions from ninth to fifth."
Lewis Hamilton after the Malaysian GP. I guess he was out karting during his maths lessons? (Dave Bingham, UK).

"He's caught Real Madrid with their white panties down here!"
GolTV commentator Ray Hudson at his finest after Valencia's first goal against Real Madrid. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky).

Sophia Loren
But is she any good at football?

"I'm telling you man, this kid could be the best thing on two legs since Sophia Loren."
Ray Hudson confuses Barca's Borjan with a beautiful woman. (Chris Watson, USA).

"Pass back to Ronaldo, who seems to think that he should be a protected species."
5 Live commentary, Man Utd v Liverpool. (Zoe T, Wotton, England).

"It just hasn't been our day this week."
Steve Bruce on Wigan v Blackburn. (Mitch Edmunds, England).

"It was a great result and it might stop people saying Newcastle have not won under Kevin Keegan."
KK after beating Fulham...might, Kevin? (Samuel Turnbull, UK).

"At least we are first on Match of the Day for once!"
Paul Jewell when Derby lost to Man Utd. (Jamie Hozem, England).

"Bolton are playing in all white - white shirts, white shorts and navy socks."
Bolton v Wigan on 5 Live. (Joe White, UK).

'It's not called Windy Wellington just because it rhymes' Geoffrey Boycott on TMS. Geoff is possibly in need of an English lesson! (Laurence Shaw, UK).

"He's six-foot two, brave as a lion, strong as an ox and quick as lightning. If he was good looking, you'd say he has everything."
Derby manager Paul Jewell on Cristiano Ronaldo. (Imomoh Douglas, Nigeria).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

Bride and groom
We'd rather be at the Villa

"You don't know what you're doing!"
Villa fans when someone said yes to their partner's half-time marriage proposal. (Keegan, England).

"We got a corner!"
Southampton fans during the 5-0 defeat to Hull. (Aaron, England).

"We want the yellow ball!"
Aldershot fans after the yellow ball was replaced when the snow died down. (James Aslett, England).

"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go."
Sung to Wycombe's diminutive number nine Leon Knight by the Hereford fans. (Dan, England).

"Get a proper job!"
Sheffield United fans give career advice to Barnsley's mascot. (Nicky Hamer, Sheffield).

"Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, we're going to Shrewsbury!"
Luton Fans at Millwall regarding Luton's impending relegation to League Two.

"You're not scary anymore!"
Luton fans on the more family-orientated atmosphere at Millwall these days. (Both from Chris Watson, Tooting).

"You're even worse than the weather!"
Crewe fans to Gillingham during their 3-0 win. (J Blake, England).

"You ****** our summer up!"
Pompey fans to Scott Carson, who was in goal for England's defeat by Croatia. (Brett, Portsmouth).

Fulham Fans: "Keegan for England!"
Newcastle fans: "Hodgson for Finland!"
(Sam T, England).

"Does your livestock know you're here?"
Colchester fans to Norwich. (Tom, Essex).

Darius Henderson
There'll always be room for him at Barnet

"Does your mother bleach your hair?"
Plymouth fans to Watford Striker Darius Henderson during the 1-1 draw at Home Park. (Simon Kendall, Cornwall).

"Your dad works for my dad! Your dad works for my dad! Nana naaa naa!"
University of Sheffield students to their Sheffield Hallam (Polytechnic) counterparts during the annual 'Varsity' matches. (Chris, Sheffield).

"Can you hear us Dickie Dosh?!"
Walsall fans after manager Richard Money criticised the fans for not singing loudly enough. (Kevin Paddock, England).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"And the total attendance for todays game is 23."
Cwmbran Town stadium announcement. (Dai James, Wales).

"Now it's time for our "Hit the Steward competition."
Stadium announcer at the half-time "hit the crossbar" competition during the Everton v Fiorentina Uefa cup match. The safest place to be was on the crossbar! (Paul Rowland, England).

"And the scorer for Plymouth is number 36, Jermaine 'have a nice' Easter!"
Plymouth announcer after Jermaine Easter scored on Easter Saturday. (Will Izzett, England).

"If you want to know the half-time scores then you'll have to read the scoreboard, as I've been asked by little Liam not to read them out as he wants to watch Match of the Day tonight."
Stadium announcer at Ipswich v Charlton. (Tommy, England).

"Goalscorer for Radcliffe Borough, number 3.... may as well stop celebrating and look to the left, you're offside."
The young tannoy operator at a recent non-league game I attended. (John Richmond, United Kingdom).

"All Change at Crewe for number 36, Dean Morgan, who is replaced by number 7, Steven Schumaker."
Walsall announcer goes train spotting as he announces a substitution for Crewe on Bank Holiday Monday. (Miles Oliver, England).



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see also
Robbo column
25 Mar 08 |  Fun and Games
Holloway column
20 Mar 08 |  Football


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