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Last Updated: Monday, 17 March 2008, 17:14 GMT
Quotes of the week
By Chris Charles

David James
What's for tea, mum?

"My mum was here too!"
David James when asked if he knew England boss Fabio Capello had been at Fratton Park to watch Portsmouth beat Villa.

"I asked the Holy Spirit where he was going to kick. He said 'left' and I said 'thank you'. I went to the left side and I saved the ball, so today I was very blessed."
Bristol City keeper Adriano Basso reveals the Hand of God saved a penalty against Watford.

"I have told Mike he can be the biggest, most physical, imposing scrum-half in world rugby. He thinks he already is - and he told me he is the best looking as well!"
Wales coach Warren Gatland on the shy and retiring Mike Phillips.

"There was plenty of spice last year, a bit of a lovers' tiff between Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso."
F1 driver and new BBC Sport columnist Mark Webber on last year's row between the McLaren team-mates.

"No-one can replace Jonny Wilkinson."
Danny Cipriani on replacing Jonny Wilkinson.

"It's the ******* one to eight who deserve the man of the match."
Ciprani swears the entire England pack deserve the match accolade...live on BBC TV.

"I've always believed at this time of the season you get to see people like oranges - you squeeze them and some of them tend to capitulate."
Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd is clearly bananas.

"Whenever the players ask me about a bonus, I just tell them I don't understand, that I'm a Yorkshireman."
Barnsley chairman Gordon Shepherd plays up to the stereotype.

"Football is open for everybody, which is why they made a gay competition in South America. And look at women's football: homosexuality is more popular there."
Sepp Blatter tries to be all pc. Back to the drawing board, Sepp.

Richard Beckinsdale and Ronnie Barker in Porridge
Oh naff off, Keano!

"I would have been doing a bit of 'porridge' myself!"
Roy Keane would have gone stir crazy if Blatter's call for some tackles to be made a criminal offence had been in place when he was a player.

"I am going to kick 10 colours of **** out of that litttle *******!"
David Coulthard accepts accidents happen after being shunted out of the Australian Grand Prix by Felipe Massa.

"I trained hard up until the game but it was the end of the season and afterwards I got kidnapped. It was a very enjoyable week - from what I can remember!"
Wales and Wasps coach Shaun Edwards recalls a lost week of celebration when he played for Ireland in rugby league at the end of his playing days.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"I think it's fair to say we're an improving team and a team that's getting better."
Everton skipper Phil Neville after losing on penalties in the Uefa Cup. (Josh N, England).

"That's 200 goals and 20 for this season - and he's been doing that for 15 years."
West Brom boss Tony Mowbray on Kevin Phillips. Ummm....wouldn't that make 300 goals, Tony? (Dave Rudd, UK).

"...in front of 70,000 Mancunians. Well, some of them are."
David Pleat, Man Utd v Lyon, confirming what we all already knew. (Sam, London).

"David Haye, who grew up in the shadow of the O2 Arena."
American commentator for the Haye-Maccarinelli fight. David's younger than I thought! (Archi Campbell, England).

Ronaldinho
What planet is he on?

"This is not normal. He's not normal, he never has been. He lives in the magnetic spectrum. What a goal this is. Beyond world-class. Astonishing. Cooler than a bomb disposal expert. That is amazing piece of football finishing by King Ronaldinho."
GolTV's Ray Hudson. (Cmod, USA).

"When he sees it, I hope he holds his hand up."
Bolton's Kevin Nolan, commenting on Michael Brown's dubious goal-line clearance for Wigan - with his hand! (Jon Knott, England).

"I haven't seen so many grown men hugging and kissing since I watched Brokeback Mountain with the missus."
Tom Ross on Birmingham's BRMB radio, as Portsmouth did some team bonding at half-time in the game with Aston Villa. (Bernard Moses, England).

"A player can't choose which position he wants to play in. This is not a musical request show."
Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld after Martin Demichelis refused to play in midfield. (Rahul, India).

"I'd rather sit on a porcupine watching Dot Cotton lap dance while listening to a double album of S Club 7's Greatest Hits recorded on the bagpipes than sit through a match like Scotland-England ever again."
Robbo column on BBC. Classic. (BST, England).

"Mido drops to the bench....let's hope it's a reinforced one!"
Jeff Stelling commenting on the build-up to the Arsenal-Middlesbrough game. (James Wiffen, Chelmsford).

"A Bolton player took a knock in the face - not sure who - could be Anneka Rice for all I know, we are so far away!"
5 Live's Darren Fletcher is not happy with the distance from the press box to the pitch at Sporting Lisbon v Bolton Wanderers. (Andy S, England).

"Van Persie wouldn't get his head on that because he was worried about ruining his good looks, but fair play to him, he is a very pretty lad."
On Radio 5 Live, Wigan v Arsenal. (Bill Keegan, England).

Mount Everest
Everest - more than a mountain

"It's no longer a mountain to climb - it's more like Mount Everest."
ESPN commentator after Inter go 3-0 down on aggregate against Liverpool. (Iain Mercer, Oz).

"And don't forget, England have to win the series to level it."
Aggers on TMS. (Sean, UK).

"There's no middle ground with him - he's either up there or halfway..."
Mike Selvey on TMS talking about Mark Gillespie. (Sean, UK).

"It would be easy to say that made all the difference - obviously it didn't, but it did make a hell of a difference."
Paul Jewell after losing Alan Stubbs to injury in Derby's 6-1 defeat to Chelsea. (NP, UK).

"I think Hawkeye must have had a late night!"
Sir Ian Botham after Hawkeye showed a ball to be hitting leg stump. Botham had just claimed it was going 'way down'! (George Quin, England).

"Words can't express how satisfied, pleased, overwhelmed and exhausted I am now it's all over."
James Cracknell after his epic Sport Relief swim from Spain to Morroco.....I think those words pretty much cover it, James. (Stuart Nugent, Carlisle).

"I'm not looking for excuses but another 24 hours would have been nice to have prepared for the game.But that's about the only excuse if I'm looking for excuses, which I'm not, but it was a factor."
Brian Little making no excuses for Wrexham's 2-1 defeat to Wycombe. (Stuart Hughes, UK)

Casualty actors perform a strip-show
And here come the Spurs penalty-takers

"If you've tuned into five for 'Showgirls', we've swapped strippers for strikers."
Introduction to extra-time on Five for PSV v Tottenham. (Tom Granger, UK).

"Steven Gerrard has had so many special nights with Rafa Benitez."
The Liverpool manager takes an alternative approach to firing up his players. Over-friendly, some might say. (Sean Mullan, United Kingdom).

"For some things there's Daniel Cousin, for everything else, there's Wiese." (Visa).
Commentator on the Werder Bremen keeper during the Rangers game. Should someone tell him it's actually Mastercard? (Jenni Boyle, England).

"Buy a church and pray!"
Geoff Boycott gives his advice to England ahead of the second Test with New Zealand. (Luke Johnson, UK).

"There was a chance, they cleared it and it was cleared."
Another Paul Merson classic, just making sure we know that it was cleared. (Ian, Essex).

"Most of the Portsmouth team are six foot plus and over."
Graham Taylor commentating on 5 Live during Pompey game. (James Saville, England).

"Rafa Benitez is taking pity on Newcastle - he's bringing on Dirk Kuyt."
Matt Le Tissier commentating on Liverpool v Newcastle. (Tim Neil, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

Carlos Tevez with dummy
So that's where it went

"Where's your dummy gone?"
Man City fans to Robbie Keane after the Spurs striker threw his shirt down following his substitution. (Steve, UK).

"Can we play you every week?"
Liverpool fans during their 3-0 aggregate win over Inter Milan. (Mike Rizq, England).

"Sit Down Pinocchio!"
Villa fans to Gareth Southgate. (Ian Harwood, Birmingham).

"Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh.
He comes from Norbury.
He parted the Red Sea."
Crystal Palace fans to striker Victor Moses after his goal against West Brom. (Colin, Brighton).

"It's just like watching Brazil!"
Bottom of the table, five consecutive defeats and 0-1 down, Colchester fans try to remain positive against Cardiff. (Greg, England).

"We're gonna lose 4-3!"
Luton fans after going 3-0 up against Oldham. (Dave, England).

"Are you Chelsea in disguise?"
Barnsley fans while leading 4-1 against Ipswich. (Dave Ralphs, England).

"You should have gone to the races!"
Cheltenham fans to Leeds when 2-0 up. Jacko, Cheltenham).

"Shall we build a stand for you?"
PNE fans to Blackpool, who only have two stands. (Rob, England).

Woman washing up
I'd rather be watching the Orient

"We can see you washing up!"
Swindon fans to the occupants of the flats in the corners of Leyton Orient's Brisbane Road ground. (Paul, England).

"If you can't get into college, be a ref!"
University of Michigan students respond to poor officiating. (Matt, United States).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"Before we kick off for the second half, I have a very important announcement to make: 'We're the famous Cardiff City and we're going to Wemberleeey. Wemberleeeey!!!Wemberleeeey!!!'"
Stadium announcer at the Cardiff City v Hull game. (Rich Liddiatt, Wales).

"Aberdeen One, what's left of Gretna nil."
Queen of the South announcer reading out the half-time scores in the SPL. Best part of a dire match! (Stephen, UK).

"The substitute for Stockport will be.... (final whistle)....not made."
Stockport announcer at Rochdale game. (Ewan).



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SEE ALSO
Robbo column
17 Mar 08 |  Fun and Games
Holloway column
14 Mar 08 |  Football
Ten to Tackle
12 Mar 08 |  Fun and Games


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