Look at me - I'm a tree
"When Rio Ferdinand went in goal, I wasn't too worried. I saw him play in goal when he was a kid and I knew he wasn't very good."
Harry Redknapp knew it was Portsmouth's day in the FA Cup when Man Utd defender Rio went between the sticks.
"Today we didn't capitulate - I think that's the posh word for it."
Flash 'Arry brings out the big guns.
"When I heard the draw I was out on the golf course. I had an eight-iron in one hand and my mobile in the other. When we came out with United, my club went further than the ball."
Redknapp was a little less enthusiastic before the game.
"I've got to agree with Arsene Wenger."
The most extraordinary admission made by Sir Alex Ferguson during his lengthy post-match rant after the Portsmouth defeat.
"It was a strange moment. A month ago I was playing for West Brom reserves against Nottingham Forest at Kettering in front of a couple of people - actually it was just my dad and the pie-seller."
Barnsley's on-loan keeper Luke Steele gets set to play in front of his dad, the pie-seller and 80,000 others in the FA Cup semi-final.
"It was a good job I took my blood pressure tablets!"
Barnsley's defeat of Chelsea sets the pulse racing for Tykes fan and former Test umpire Dickie Bird.
"I always try to say a prayer in the morning before I go to sleep and before I go out on the pitch. Obviously it worked wonders!"
Barnsley goalscorer Kayode Odejayi is glad he had a chat with the man upstairs.
"We won't be scared about the high winds on the flight home as the plane will be rocking anyway."
Cardiff boss Dave Jones is on cloud nine after their FA Cup quarter-final win at Middlesbrough.
You can't keep him down for long
"If I play them in the Champions League, I want to go there and kill them - that's my message."
The Special One returns to announce an interesting plan for Chelsea.
"The only excuse is they have a rugby team that also plays on the pitch - unless the groundsman is sick?"
Life's a pitch for Arsene Wenger following Arsenal's 0-0 draw at boggy Wigan.
"It was great actually, just like playing Aussie Rules!"
Streaker Robert Ogilvie on being flattened by Andrew Symonds.
"He's been hooked on bingo most of his life and it's a way for the lads to bond and unwind. Sven and the boys think it's good fun, especially when he has to say 'two fat ladies' or 'legs eleven'."
Manchester City source reveals Sven-Goran Eriksson's passion for bingo.
"Football is like fighting a gorilla - you don't stop when you're tired, you can only stop when the gorilla is tired."
Coventry boss Chris Coleman after QPR's defence makes a monkey of his strikers in their 0-0 draw.
"We were at a bus stop when I saw a car go past with the driver wearing a Derby tracksuit. It came back and Robbie said 'Jump in!'"
Derby fan Mark Stevenson and daughter Lauren get a lift from Robbie Savage on their way to Derby's tedious 0-0 draw with Sunderland. Bet they wished he'd taken them to the pictures instead.
"I haven't got many secrets so was happy to talk to Monty - although two hours was maybe a little long!"
New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori recalls the day Monty Panesar collared him for a chat about spin bowling.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I feel for the fans today, paying good money and watching a load of crap."
A forthright Alan Pardew following Charlton's 2-1 home defeat by Preston. (Bill M, Australia).
And running the line today....
"As for the fourth official, he is a doughnut."
Gary Megson after the official's poor showing at Bolton v Sporting. (Mike Astley, Oldham).
"Well that's not attractive to watch...which leads us rather aptly to Phil Thompson."
Jeff Stelling on Sky Sports. (Janni, England).
"It's come off the underside of the errr... thing,"
Phil Thompson during the Porto-Schalke penalty shoot-out. Think it's called a crossbar, Phil.(Eddie Walder, UK).
"Bernd Schuster will have severe words with him, telling him 'There's plenty of shampoo in the locker room if you're scared to get your hair dirty'!"
GolTV commentator Ray Hudson on Baptista's miss during Real Madrid-Espanyol. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).
"He looks like a pacy winger without any pace."
BBC Radio Scotland commentator on Hibs winger O'Brien during the Rangers-Hibernian Scottish Cup game. (Michael R, Scotland).
"For Manchester United to get back into this game, it will be a tall order against a tall side who are well ordered."
Martin Tyler after Pompey took the lead against Man U. Andrew Williams, England. (Andrew Williams, England).
"There's a few villages missing their idiots."
Lawro on Match of the Day when some Barnsley fans ran on the pitch thinking the referee had blown the full-time whistle against Chelsea. (Sam Saidman, UK).
"There's still two more legs after this."
Everton manager David Moyes speaks of a mystery third leg in their Uefa Cup clash with Fiorentina. (John, England).
"Justice is a dish best served cold."
Garth Crooks on Score. Surely you mean revenge, Garth?(Tony Faccenda, Scotland).
And coming on for Celtic...
"Celtic might as well have Tom Cruise in their team tonight, because it's Mission Impossible at the Nou camp tonight."
talkSPORT'S The Moose ahead of Barcelona-Celtic. (Jubril Alao, London).
"The official has got his hand on Joe Jordan's backside, but that seems to just be for familiarity."
Alan Green on 5 Live commentary of the Manchester United v Portsmouth game. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"Before, the problem was tackling from behind, but now players are doing it from the front and from the side."
Sepp Blatter on his ambitious plans to turn football into the World Indoor Bowls Championship. (Matt Baldwin, England).
"If he were fixing pipes, he couldn't be more plumber."
Commentator at Stanford Twenty20 cricket after a successful LBW appeal. (Ben Wilson, England).
"Not many teams can bring on Ronaldo and Rooney when they are 2-0 up."
Setanta Sports commentary. Of course not! (Abbas Esmail, Portsmouth).
"We had a very tricky game at Maine Road."
Wigan manager Steve Bruce, forgetting Man City changed their stadium name years ago.
"If it dies any more, it'll be dead."
Geoffrey Boycott lends TMS listeners the benefit of his insight while describing the Hamilton pitch.(Mike, Durham).
"As always, I intend to do my talking with my legs."
Dwain Chambers before the IAAF World Indoor Championships. (Ghaffar, England).
"The biggest word in the world is 'if'. If I had hair, my head wouldn't be as cold as it is standing out there next to the pitch. It is freezing!"
Gillingham manager Mark Stimson after Gills' 4-2 loss to Brighton. (Leigh, England).
"There are countless examples of fans buying genuine tickets for a game and discovering they are not real."
Spokesman for the FA talking about ticket-touting. (Mark Harding, England).
Look out, it's old whatsisname
"There's nobody coming in from the left... except Ronaldinho."
Archie MacPherson understating the threat, while commentating on Barcelona v Celtic. (Robert Mercer, Scotland).
"They've got a teletepathic, teletepathic, pathetic, well it's not pathetic... oh just forget it."
Graham Taylor, commentating on the AC Milan-Arsenal Champions League tie for 5 Live. Alan Green was in hysterics!(Ollie, UK).
Reporter: "Other journalists have said Walsall were the best team they have seen here, would you agree?"
Walsall manager Richard Money: "I don't know - this is the only game I have seen here!"
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
Bolton fans respond to Liverpool chants of "Going down!" Alex Dover, England
"Shearer, Shearer, what's the score?"
Cardiff fans after beating Middlesbrough 2-0 to reach the FA Cup semi-final. Alan Shearer had suggested the winners of the Boro-Sheffield United replay would stand a good chance of reaching the semis. (David, Maesteg, South Wales).
"You're just a small town in Belgium!"
Tottenham fans to the PSV Eindhoven supporters. (Mike, UK).
"I'm forever blowing bubbles...."
"You're just a fat Annie Lennox!"
Spurs fans to Dean Ashton during the West Ham game. (Chris E, London).
"We saw you score on the telly!"
Ipswich fans to Paddy Kenny in response to Kenny's fluff against Boro. (Glyn Page, Brentwood).
"There's only one Cheryl Tweedy!"
Barnsley fans before the FA Cup quarter-final with Chelsea at Oakwell. (Julio Ebens, Barnsley).
"Steve Dobbie, Dobbie,
We don't care if you're overweight,
'Cos we think you're ******* great,
Steve Dobbie, Dobbie."
Queen of the South fans celebrate Stephen Dobbie's opener against Dundee in the Scottish Cup quarter-final. (Andy Cowan, Scotland).
"We've got Tim Ambrose,
Sounds Like Ambrosia
They make good Custard, comes in a tin
They make good rice too,
Thats not important
Just as long as England win"
The Barmy Army's new Tim Ambrose song. (Oli Wells, England).
"We woke your neighbours up!"
MK Dons fans at Grimsby after having our drums confiscated by stewards because it was a night game. (Connor, Milton Keynes).
"You only sing at the Boat Race!"
Cambridge United fans to their Oxford counterparts.(Neal Cannell, Bedford).
"Can you tell us if we score?"
Orient fans to Brighton fans, as the away stand is so far away from the pitch! (Grant Reyland, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
Liverpool fans make a point
"Barry Hayles is bigger than this, he's got a door and a window, Barry Hayles is bigger than this."
Leicester fans smirk at how small Ninian Park is during their 1-0 win over Cardiff. (Alex, England).
"Andy Reid, He plays left wing, He loves McDonalds and Burger King!"
Sung by Sunderland fans at Derby (well, it was better than watching the game). (Pete Sixsmith, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"And now the Olympiakos teamsheet...wish me luck!"
Chelsea announcer before reading out a list of players including Zewlakow, Patsatzoglou and Djordjevic. (Chelsea Boy, England).