I'll take the bus thanks, Liam
"If you are driving to work, don't get into a car with
Liam Miller because he gets involved in more car crashes than anybody I know."
Roy Keane puts Liam Miller on the transfer list after getting fed-up with his excuses for turning up late to training.
"It's good to see Ashley Cole scoring again."
Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker after the Chelsea defender sticks one away at West Ham.
"Some of the Spurs players looked a bit legless."
Lineker on Tottenham's 4-1 defeat at Birmingham, following some much-publicised League Cup celebrations.
"I think it's fair to say they were hungover."
Alan Shearer gets in on the act.
"I have just got to turn up sober and on time."
David Haye insists Enzo Maccarinelli will be the one getting punch-drunk when the pair meet in next weekend's cruiserweight unification bout.
"It was the 95th minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time."
Sir Alex Ferguson, not bitter about Arsenal's late-late equaliser against Aston Villa.
"If we treat the last 12 games any differently than we have the first 34, we will end up with our pants pulled down and our backsides slapped."
Stoke boss Tony Pulis gives his troops a bum rap after they beat Ipswich
to stay top of the Championship. They lost their next two games.
"Somebody stole my bike about four weeks ago and I felt terrible. I felt like it had been stolen again today."
Dundee United manager Craig Levein sees the wheels come off his side's European chase after a 0-0 draw with Falkirk.
Regan was happy with his performance
"He was ridiculous and grotesque. His behaviour is offensive and against the rules. He is a clown."
France head coach Marc Lievremont has a pop at Mark Regan after England's Six Nations win in Paris.
"It will be an honour to represent my country and get all the kit, stay in the Olympic village, and, when I'm old enough, get a tattoo with the Olympic rings."
Diving prodigy Tom Daley will have to wait five years to ink himself into Olympic legend.
"I think we ought to slice him open and see what's inside; maybe nuts and bolts."
Stewart Cink reflects on his eight-and-seven defeat by mean machine Tiger Woods at
the World Match Play.
"The first time I ever met him, he was the same little obnoxious weed that he is now."
Matthew Hayden gives his views on Harbhajan Singh. Wish he'd just say what he thought for once.
"If I had said we were going to finish fifth in the Premier League a couple of years ago, you would all have thought I would end up in the nuthouse, wouldn't
Harry Redknapp insists the notion of Portsmouth finishing fifth in the Premier League is not as crazy as it sounds.
"I was sleeping when the draw was done. I got a text message, looked at it and went back to sleep."
Andy Murray on finding out he would be playing Roger Federer in the first round of the Dubai Championship. The Scot caught Federer napping on court.
SPORT RELIEF SPECIAL
"I will have a big enough backside in front of me but I am hoping that Adrian's big backside will protect me from the wind."
Alan Shearer on the marathon Sport Relief bike ride he will be undertaking with Adrian Chiles.
They'll be relieved when it's over
"I have been training at home on the exercise bike and creating vast pools of sweat which make my wife retch every time she walks in to the room - unlike Shearer who can cycle for hundreds of miles without leaving his back garden!"
Chiles bites back.
"We are not being drug-tested, so we are just going to drink EPO, we are gonna have that in our bottles and not bother with water."
Chiles has a cunning plan.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"It was a good header by Davies, but what a reaction save from Claudio Reyna!"
Iain Dowie on MOTD2. Is the ex-Man City player really in goal for Liverpool?
(Yousaf Khan, England).
"They say they're the best side in the world but they're not on top of Serie A, are they?"
606 host Tim Lovejoy on Barcelona. Maybe that's because they play in La Liga?
"We're still in the hat for all four competitions."
John Terry after the West Ham game, obviously forgetting what happened last Sunday. (Omar Youssef, UK).
"If you took the goals out of it, I think it was pretty even."
West Ham boss Alan Curbishley on Chelsea's 4-0 hammering of the Hammers. (Daneel, India).
I'll have a squid on Celtic
"Last year's race was a bit of a damp squid."
Mark Hateley on 5 Live about the Scottish title race. (Tim Poole, Scotland).
"I got into football to play football."
New WBA signing Luke Moore on the reason he decided to join Albion. (Ben, UK).
"Aston Villa boss Martin O'Leary..."
On BBC's Arsenal-Villa page. Has he married David O'Leary?
(Darren G, Belfast).
"He will play for England Under-21s with his eyes closed."
Barry Fry on goalkeeper Joe Lewis. No wonder England have had problems in goal! (Andrew McLellan,
"It is not as if I turn up in a G-string; then they would have something to complain about."
Bury director Iain Mills on resigning from the board after complaints about him wearing shorts. (David Clarke, England).
"It's Vicar of Dibley running - no, no, no, no, no, yes!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd after Ravi Bopara almost caused yet another run-out in the final ODI against NZ.
(Neil Skinner, England).
"Frank has money. He can eat two or three steaks a day if he wants to."
Frank Rijkaard's brother and agent insists money won't tempt him to Chelsea. (Hugo Steckelmacher, Catalunya).
"I'm a great believer that if you're not playing in the tournament, you can't win."
Colin Montgomerie talking about the Masters. (David, Glasgow).
I am man of match? Nice!
"I thought Borat was Man Of The Match."
Frank McAvennie on Setanta after Celtic beat St Mirren. Think he meant Boruc! (Lee House, Scotland).
"I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony, I just don't know where to start."
Miami Heat coach Pat Riley after the team ended a 13-game losing streak against the Sacramento Kings. (Richard Lynch, Barbados).
"We knew it wouldn't be pretty, what with the state of the pitch and Paul Jewell coming back."
Steve Bruce on MOTD after Wigan's win over Derby. Paul Jewell's not that ugly, is he?! (David Sunnuck, UK).
BBC commentator: "It's his 25th birthday today."
Jonathan Davies: "He's got 10 minutes now to read his cards."
During Wales v Italy when birthday-boy Mirco Bergamasco was sin binned for 10 minutes. (Glenn Burnett, Wales).
"I don't like losing. If you ask anyone who has been around me, I am probably one of the biggest losers."
Alan Stubbs of Derby - I think he meant worst losers."
(Alan Martin, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"That's Juande, Juande Ramos!
To the tune of Elvis's 'The Wonder Of You'. (Bernie Biggs, UK).
"You should have stayed with your mothers!"
QPR fans to Stoke during Rangers' comprehensive win on Mother's Day. (Saffa Michail, Isle of Wight).
"Anderson-son-son, he's better than Kleberson
Anderson-son-son, our midfield magician
To the left to the right, to the zamba beat tonight
He is class with a brass and he ****s on Fabregas!"
Man Utd fans to Anderson, to the tune of Agadoo. (Jacqueline, Hong Kong).
"Peter Halmosi, you're the love of my life, Peter Halmosi, you can s*** my wife."
Plymouth fans after Halmosi's second goal against Burnley. (Al, UK).
Any idea how the 'Ammers are getting on, dear?
"There's only one Prince Philip."
West Ham fans at Mohammed Al Fayed's Fulham. (Max Mather, UK).
"Does your butler know you're here?"
West Ham chant to middle-class Fulham fans.
(Mark Leech, UK).
"We've been here more times than you!"
Cambridge City fans to the extra supporters Havant & Waterlooville have gained since their trip to Anfield. (Stephen Warne, UK).
"Can we play you every week?"
What Garrison fans sing to Woolpack fans on the Scilly Isles, where they are the only two teams and play against each other 18 times a season. (Simon Dewhurst, England).
"Que sera sera
Whatever will be, will be
We're going to Shrewsbury
Que sera sera."
Luton Town fans are resigned to their fate, singing against Leyton Orient. (Chris Mitchell, UK).
Grimsby fans at Morecambe on Saturday. Grimsby was near the epicentre of last week's earthquake. (Jason Webb, Lincolnshire).
Huddersfield fans: "England! England!"
Swansea City fans: "There's only one Steve McClaren!"
"S*** ground, no fans."
Chanted by 166 Dagenham fans at Bradford's Valley Parade - home of the biggest ground and best crowds in League Two! (Garyth Davis,
"Tell me ma, me ma...to put the champagne on ice, we're going to City twice!"
Everton fans at Man City, where they could return for the Uefa Cup final. (Hayder Khan, Oldham).
They make a lovely pair
"There's only two Dave Kitsons!"
Villa fans to a red-headed Reading steward during the recent encounter at the Madjeski. (Adam Joyce, England).
"There's only one Paddy Kenny!"
Middlesbrough fans to the Sheffield United keeper after his extra-time clanger put them in the FA Cup quarter-finals. (Jack MacGregor, Middlesbrough).
STADIUM (AND TRAIN) ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"There's a mustard-coloured Peugeot in the car park, registration XXXXXXX. You've left your windows open. Chances are if your car is a mustard colour you want it nicked, but just to let you know."
Announcer before the Plymouth-Burnley match. (Brett, England).
"Would the owner of a jeep blocking the main gate please move the vehicle immediately - if not sooner."
At the Stanford Twenty20 cricket series in the West Indies. (Scott Jones, England).
"For those standing up there will be free seats in a minute as many people will be leaving for Pride Park. For those of you going to Pride Park I want you to remember the following - it is not the winning that matters, it is the taking part that counts."
Train manager on the 13.23 train to Derby for the game against Sunderland. As a Derby fan, am I able to go anywhere and be free from ridicule?!
(Martyn Taylor, Sheffield).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Happy mother's day, mum - some things are more important."
Seen at Everton-Portsmouth.
"In order: Rafa, Stevie G, Cream Egg."
At the Liverpool-Boro game ahead of Easter. (Tom Darsh,
"Lithuanian Diving Team."
At Motherwell-Hearts. (Martin Whiteside, Scotland).