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Last Updated: Monday, 18 February 2008, 17:56 GMT
Quotes of the week
By Chris Charles

Sir Alex Ferguson
Nice one, Sir Trev

"I know what it's going to be in the next round - us against Chelsea. I'm going down to Soho Square to check those balls."
Sir Alex Ferguson on his fears the FA would make a balls-up of the Cup draw. He needn't have worried.

"The 2008 Vodacom Challenge will mark Manchester United's third visit to South Africa and will create a platform for many a rising star to elevate their level of play in order to strive to become a regular member of the Manchester United starting line-up for the new English Premiership season."
Sir Alex Ferguson, according to the Press Association. Are you sure he said that?

"Can you imagine going to Fergie and telling him, 'By the way, you're not playing at home this week, you are playing in Japan'? I'd like to see it!"
Wigan manager Steve Bruce on the Premier League's plans to take games around the world.

"It would be like the Harlem Globetrotters."
Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp thinks they're all basket cases.

"Is it April 1st?"
Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate can't believe he's not in on the 'joke'.

"I was chasing after him...I wouldn't normally have been anywhere near that part of the pitch, so I guess I owe him a thank you."
Barnsley hero Brian Howard dedicates his last-gasp winner against Liverpol to referee Martin Atkinson, who denied him a stonewall penalty seconds earlier.

Stork
Special delivery coming up

"We went for a walk before the game and a bird dumped right on my head. They say that can be a lucky omen - and it was!"
Barnsley manager Simon Davey after seeing his side dump Liverpool out of the Cup.

"Everyone seems to think we will be the victims of an FA Cup upset - but then again I've been second favourite for the sack all season!"
Gareth Southgate, still in the hat, still in a job.

"I don't do heights."
Sir Ian Botham throws a wobbly after refusing to commentate on England's second one-dayer against New Zealand from a precarious 100ft high television studio.

"It's probably not going to be the most fun conversation to have with your brother."
Sibling rivalry is alive and well in the Murray household as Andy plans to confront Jamie for criticising his decision to pull out of the Davis Cup.

"I'd done enough fighting in pubs so it was the natural thing for me to do."
Clinton Woods on his progression from World's End to world champion.

"When we arrived, we realised straight away that the team was carrying excess baggage."
Spurs fitness coach Marcos Alvarez on the spare tyres that greeted him upon his arrival.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"Liverpool are likely to start with Kraut and Couch up front this afternoon."
Jamie Redknapp describing Liverpool's new look-strike force on Goals on Sunday. (Ricky Mingle, England).

Lemming (from baseballknitter site)
Gary Peters - a leader amongst lemmings

"It's not going to happen; all the lemmings who want to jump off the cliff and rip everything up won't get their wish. At times I feel like the only sensible lemming on the cliff, saying 'this is stupid why are we doing this, why are we going to dive off the cliff?'. Usually they all say 'well, this is what we normally do' and then push him off as well, but no one is pushing this lemming off the cliff - he's going to stand on the cliff and stop you."
Shrewsbury Manager Gary Peters on being asked if it is time to jump ship in his weekly 'Ask Gary' column. Is he Holloway in disguise? (Matt Edgar, Derby).

"I don't predict in football, all I predict is next week against Barnsley you will see a vastly different Norwich City team."
Canaries boss Glenn Roeder clearly doesn't do predictions. (Steve Owen, Ireland).

"At this level of football, it's goals that win prizes."
Crusaders boss Stephen Baxter speaking after his team's 1-0 defeat to Lisburn Distillery. Is there another level of football where something other than goals win you prizes?! (Dave, Belfast).

"That's what the goals are there for, to keep the ball out."
Lee Dixon on Match of the Day commenting on a save by Barnsley's Luke Steele, who used the goal frame to help during a save. (Gareth Lyons, South Wales).

"There is no way Watford will get back into this match."
Paul Merson reporting with Watford 2-0 down to Charlton. Five minutes later they were level. (Tom James, Essex).

"Van Der Sar is one of the best two-footed goalkeepers in the league."
Chris Waddle (as opposed to the three-footed ones?) (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).

"This MCG wicket has more bounce than a Baywatch beach sprint."
Damien Fleming on ABC Radio. (Joe Eizenberg, Bristol).

Jonjo O'neill
And going off for Watford...

"And Watford are down to 10-men after Jonjo O'Neill received a straight red."
On 5 Live's Score Interactive commentary of Watford-Leicester. I think he meant John-Joe O'Toole, not the horse trainer! (Keith Shepherd, England).

"So where do England go now? Do they lick their wounds or what?"
"Who cares, eh?!"
Two New Zealand commentators after England lose the 2nd ODI by 10 wickets. (George, New Zealand).

"Arsenal are some 19 points clear now of Liverpool, but Liverpool do have a game in hand."
Setanta Sports analysis. (Jashandeep Singh, England).

"You could literally throw a handkerchief over the 22 outfield players."
John Gregory watching a game between matchstick men, presumably. (Alastair Logan, Scotland).

"A number of our goals this season have come from us counter-attacking and, to be honest, the opening goal came against the run of play."
Huddersfield Manager Andy Ritchie after his side scored against Swindon... after 43 seconds. (Luke Tial, England).

"The referee was in a great position and didn't give anything. Then the bloke waving aeroplanes in on the far side decided he should go for some reason."
Aidy Boothroyd on the decision to send off Watford's John Joe O'Toole in the game against Leicester. (Martin, UK). Not Jonjo O'Neill. Ed.

"That's it with Owen - you shoot holes in him and he comes back for more."
According to Kevin Keegan, Michael Owen is a colander! (Tony Schofield, England).

"Rooney will do anything for you in any position."
Wayne Rooney's keen to please, according to Mark Lawrenson. (Adam Jones, Scotland).

James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano
Hey Tony, you're on!

"The only way Italy will get to 20-14 is if they put Tony Soprano at out-half."
The one and only George Hook for Irish TV at half time in the Italy-England rugby game. (Eoinie, Ireland).

"At the moment this isn't a group of men, it is a team of little girls."
Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini after their 3-1 defeat to Torino. (Bill M, Australia).

"Gareth Jellyman of Mansfield Town has been sent off, hope he doesn't throw a wobbly!"
Classic Jeff Stelling. (Tahir Usman, UK).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"You can stick your ******* roses up your ****!" and "I love Tottenham more than you!"
Spurs fans to their loved ones back home while watching Tottenham on Valentine's Day in Prague. (Ollie, London).

"We all know Posh Spice, she likes a bit of rough. When she's in bed with Beckham, she dreams of Michael Brough!"
Forest Green Rovers chant to their skipper. (Paul, England).

"Oh when the beans,
Come out the tin,
Oh when the beans come out the tin,
You put the bread in the toaster,
Oh when the beans come out the tin."
Birmingham fans at West Ham. (Iain Smith, England).

Swap Shop
Ah the good old days

"Tiswas! Swap Shop!"
Bristol Rovers fans at Doncaster. No I didn't get it either. (Gasman, GB).

"What's it like to have no Cox?"
Swindon fans to Northampton after the Robins beat the Cobblers to the signing of Simon Cox. (Nathan, Wiltshire).

"Your mum is Mrs Mangel, your dad is Harold Bishop, la, la, la, la!"
Indian fans to Brett Lee. (Gansham Maraj, UK).

"You should have bought Burnley!"
Burnley fans to QPR's rich owners after they squandered a 2-0 lead to lose 4-2. (Jack Launer). UK

"Shittu and you know you are!"
Charlton fans' reaction after ex-Addick Danny Shittu puts the ball into his own net at Watford. (Con Medez, England).

"S*** ground, no fans!"
Barnsley fans at Anfield in the FA Cup. (Danny Walker, UK).

"If you hate Bryan Robson, throw your shoes."
Sheffield United fans before Robbo was relieved of the manager's role. (Alan Hopkins, England).

"England's, England's 501."
Sang at Premier League Darts in Manchester about Wayne "Hawaii 501" Mardle. (Tom Lett, England).

Bee
Also available in red and white

Brentford fans: "Two-nil to the proper Bees."
Barnet fans: "Red and white bees, you're having a laugh!"
During the battle of the Bees at Underhill. (Rik Scales).

''Now Richard Huuughes, Krank - Yar, Sol Campbell and superman Jam-o!''
Pompey fans, to the 'Soulja Boy' tune. Genius! (Rob, Portsmouth).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"Would the owner of a silver car, registration XXXXXXX - please move it immediately. If they can find it."
At Wednesday night's fog-bound match between Stevenage Borough and Forest Green Rovers. (Paul, Stevenage).

"No ball games are permitted in the ground tonight."
At Horsham's home Rymans Premier League match against AFC Wimbledon. I think Horsham took that advice. (Alan Belmore, England).

"Unfortunately you go home empty-handed. You didn't hit the crossbar but you did knock out a Leyton Orient player, and that really should be worth a good few bonus points."
Walsall announcer to a half-time crossbar challenge contestant who hit a Leyton Orient sub on the head. (Miles Oliver, England).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"DEEP END"
Motherwell banner on Saturday against Kilmarnock after their last three games had been postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. (Scott, Scotland).



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SEE ALSO
Review of the week
15 Feb 08 |  Fun and Games
Robbo column
18 Feb 08 |  Fun and Games
Holloway column
15 Feb 08 |  Football


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