Quotes of the Week

By Chris Charles

Laugh, I nearly wet myself!

"Unbelieveable. I'd actually slipped into the bathroom and I heard a big scream from my two boys and I gathered that, unbelievably, Israel had got the winner."
Steve McClaren on the moment he realised his career might not be going down the pan after all.

"We cannot fail to win - even if we face 13 players."
Russia striker Aleksandr Kerzhakov wins the 'me and my big mouth' award for his comments ahead of the Israel game.

"Deep in my mind my son is like me, a little Che Guevara, a rebel. He is always supporting my opponents to tease me - when I played for Everton he supported Liverpool."
England can count on one extra fan in Wednesday night's clash with Croatia - manager Slaven Bilic's 10-year-old revolutionary son.

"I prefer to frighten people by driving around in my white Porsche with Slipknot blaring out of the windows!"
Reading's American goalkeeper when asked about the hoard of guns he keeps back home.

"He can't help being good-looking - he was born like it, I suppose."
Harry Redknapp on the adonis that is Glen Johnson. Takes one to know one.

"Calzaghe is cute, but he ain't going to be cute after this facelift."
Bernard Hopkins wants to prove the Italian Dragon really is an ordinary Joe if their proposed fight goes ahead.

"I felt like Tarzan."
Sir Bobby Robson recalls how he quickly got into the swing of things on his first day as Republic of Ireland consultant.

Who left all the pies?

"My wife tells me I'm only half the man I used to be."
Former darts world champion Andy Fordham on losing 10-stone, courtesy of the miraculous don't drink 25 bottles of lager a day diet.

"All he has around him are yes men telling him what he wants to hear, shouting 'You're da man! You're da man!'"
Ricky Hatton keeps the pot boiling ahead of his fight with Floyd Mayweather.

"When Carla comes over from Spain to stay with me, we pass our time shopping in Zara."
Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas is never happier than when shopping for clothes.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"I swear on my mother's life, my late mother's life."
Alex Higgins being interviewed by Stephen Nolan on BBC Northern Ireland. (Stevie Mac, N Ireland).

"If Calzaghe and Frank Warren are serious, they can cross the Red Sea and come over to the United States, because we're the best in everything we do."
Bernard Hopkins implying that Egypt must be somewhere between America and the UK. (Swi, Gloucestershire).

"In Dublin it's now Northern Ireland 2, Denmark 1."
Commentator on Swedish TV channel may need to brush up on his geography! (Simon Wall, Sweden).

Nuff respek to the Staines massive

"I'm tempted to say it's a massive result for Staines!"
Ray Stubbs makes a half-hearted attempt at an Ali G pun on BBC's Score. (Phil, England).

"Like Oliver Twist, they want more."
Commentator after Spain scored their second goal against Sweden. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"Head-to-head: Newcastle with 48 wins, Sunderland with 40, the rest have been draws."
Sky Sports commentator at the Tyne-Wear derby. (Pete, Swindon).

"So, Kenny Miller has a hamstring?"
Jonathan Pearce talking to Derby boss Billy Davies. Hopefully he's got two. (Chris Avery, England).

"Substitute Darren Smith wrapped up the pints for the visitors with minutes to go."
The BBC Sport website's report on Inverness v Motherwell suggests the visitors were more interested in post-match drinks than the three POINTS on offer. (Dave Edwards, Poland).

"Me and my mate are playing our usual Premier League drinking game, basically taking a shot of something every time a goal is scored. We're now very sober."
Anon via text on 81111, second-half of Blackburn-Liverpool when the score was still 0-0. (Prince Dornu-Leiku, Ghana).

He could go a long way

"It looks as though he's got talent."
David Coulthard after seeing seven-times world champion Michael Schumacher come out of retirement to set the fastest time during testing for Ferrari. (Dan, Watford).

"Having one shot in 90 minutes isn't good, especially when that's in the 93rd minute."
Norwich striker Jamie Cureton following the 3-0 defeat at Plymouth. (Jon Skinner, UK).

"I know Rafa well and he will break his own head to find a solution to get the title for Liverpool."
Reds keeper Pepe Reina on Rafa Benitez's determination. (Matteo D'Alesio, England).

"It was a funny one. It was one of them ones that either goes in, or goes over the stand - and as I say, it was neither."
Northern Ireland striker Warren Feeney describing his 30-yard volley against Denmark on Saturday night that hit the post and bounced clear. (Vince Coupon, Belfast).

"I was in the doping centre and somebody came in and told me I was in the squad. At first, I thought they were taking the p*** out of me."
Italy striker Raffaelle Palladino on being called up to the squad for the first time. Isn't that what they're supposed to do?! (Gordon Pattinson, UK).

"I was especially happy to have my mum there, as she has been there with me from the start."
Nathan Ashton on making his Fulham debut against Reading... aren't mothers usually there at the start? (Nick, England).

Easy for you to say

"That was a good shot by Benently... Betently... whatever!"
Match of the Day commentator when Bentley's shirt had BETNLEY printed on it. (Umang Joshi, England).

"If the Rovers staff struggle to spell 'Bentley' then maybe it explains why Zura Khizanishvili cannot get in the side."
The Sun after David Bentley's shirt for the Manchester United clash had the Blackburn winger's name spelt 'Betnley'. (Andy Gorn, England).

"Niemi goes the wrong way on the Gerrard dodge shot to put Liverpool two-zip ahead."
Fox Soccer Channel analyst in the USA revealing a new name for a good old-fashioned penalty! (Andrew Ford, USA).

"If Arsenal lose this two-goal lead, I'll eat my heart."
Craig Burley while co-commentating during the Reading-Arsenal match. (Matt Sayles, UK).

"He's young, he's English, pretty much everything."
Jamie Redknapp on Joe Hart after the Portsmouth game. Some criteria, Jamie? (Max, London).

No, not that Life on Mars

"You're likely to find more life on Mars than on this pitch."
Damien Fleming's views on the pitch for the fifth ODI between India and Australia in Vadodara. (Mike Stevenson, England).

"England have used their get out of free jail card."
Richard Keys gets his words mixed up after Israel's 2-1 win over Russia. (Lee Precious, England).

"Be still my thundering heart, it thumps in my breast like Roger Rabbit on the sight of Jessica's cavernous cleavage."
Heart-pumping words about Scotland from Chick Young's column! (Ben Ling, Norwich).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"Who picked your team this week?" and "Stand up if you own Ebbsfleet."
Oxford United fans to the travelling Ebbsfleet fans on Saturday. (Andy Roberts, Oxford).

Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
He stands between our posts,
He's named after a ghost.
Cardiff fans to keeper Kasper Schmeichel. (Rhys, Wales).

"It's just like being in church!"
Blackburn fans at an incredibly quiet Old Trafford. (Niall, Preston).

Just call him 'Two Songs'

"I saw my mate, the other day,
He said to me he's seen the white Pele,
He said to me, whats his name?
I said to him, his name is Buzsaky, Buzsaky, Buzsaky."
QPR fans to Akos Buzsaky at Palace. (Saffa Michail, Isle of Wight).

"Ohh! We're half way there! Ohh-ohh! Aliadiere!"
Boro fans to their striker. (Matt, England).

"La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Aliadiere - Jeremie Aliadiere!"
And there's more...to the tune of 'Baby Give it Up'. (Anthony, England).

"Have yeh no paid yer 'leccy bill?"
Aberdeen supporters after the floodlights cut out at Tynecastle during Hearts' 4-1 win. (Laura, Scotland).

"Davis, Davis give us a save!"
Ironic chants from Southampton fans saints to keeper Kelvin Davis while 5-0 down at Hillsborough. (Peter B, England).

"Bring on the Chelsea!"
Derby fans when 5-0 down to West Ham, with Chelsea next up at Pride Park. (David, UK).

"We'll never play you again."
Arsenal fans to their Reading counterparts when winning at Madejski stadium.
"You *******said that last year!"
Reading fans reply. (John Bycroft, UK)

"It's just like watching Seville!"
Spurs fans to new manager Juande Ramos. (Lewis Buckler, England).

The locals took the Cup defeat well

"Ooh arrr, it's a massacarrrrrrr!"
Yeovil fans while 4-1 down against Torquay in the FA Cup. (David Hart, England).

"We've got more stands than you've got points!"
Cambridge United fans reminding long-suffering Northwich supporters of their team's record of no wins in 19 games so far this season. (Neil the milkman, Norfolk).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"There is a no-smoking policy in all parts of the Layer Road ground. Anyone who is caught smoking will be taken away, strapped to an electric chair and electrocuted until they are dead. Thank you."
Colchester announcer at half-time in the Leicester game, according to The Sun.

"The referee for tonight's match is Mr A E Rayner."
At Vale Park as Amy Rayner jogged out on the pitch to referee Port Vale Reserves against Shrewsbury Town Reserves. No truth in the rumour Mike Newell was guest announcer! (Mark Whitby, England).

"This is a message for Alex xxxxxxxx, just to remind you that your mother is waiting outside the front for you."
Heard over the tannoy at Cambridge v Northwich Victoria. (FarJhole, England).

Have Your Say: Are there any funny quotes we've missed out?