Happy birthday, grandad
"Maybe it's my birthday, I honestly don't know. I'm 58? Ow! That hurts! There's not much I need - I have plenty of socks."
Arsene Wenger is as surprised as anyone to learn it is his birthday (on 22 October).
"At the moment I'm just swallowing it all as part of the humiliation but I think - and this is aimed at my dear manager - one shouldn't humiliate players for too long."
No birthday presents for dear Arsene from Jens Lehmann. Arsenal showed how much they were missing their keeper in the 7-0 defeat of Slavia Prague.
"Wazza is in the groove. He is a spurter."
Rio Ferdinand talking about Wayne Rooney's recent goal spurt.
"This is a young group and sometimes I don't like some of the things I see. Here we are with another five-star hotel, overlooking the sea at Rimini. So if the waves are making too much noise in the evening, just phone down and we will try to move you to a room on the other side!"
Wales boss John Toshack on his pampered players.
"I'd had a great career. I didn't do myself justice after joining Manchester City but, having said that, I shared a house with George Best for two years so it had its compensations! I can remember about three months of it.''
Sunderland legend Mick Horswill can barely recall the Best days of his life.
"I don't think I was too much out of time. I think she gave me a pass.''
New Zealand All Golds star Steve Price on performing the Haka in front of Her Maj.
Wave your hands in the air, like you just don't care
"He's got quite a bit of rhythm to him but you ought to see me on the dance floor in Manchester on a Saturday night with 12 pints of Guinness inside me - he doesn't even come close."
Ricky Hatton poo-poos Floyd Mayweather's appearance on Dancing With The Stars.
"He will find out the hard way on his birthday that he has got a present he never wanted.''
Graham Earl is planning to wish Amir Khan an unhappy birthday when they meet on December 8.
AND SOME FROM YOU
Commentator Miles Harrison: "I was about to say there's an idiot running on to the pitch but it was only a ball boy."
Co-commentator Stuart Barnes: "Well that doesn't mean he's not an idiot."
During Rugby World Cup.
"I'd rather listen to a dissertation on the American economy than currently watch England play rugby."
Co-commentator David Sole on Australian TV.
(Adrian Graham, Australia).
"This is quite a crucial game."
Eddie Hemmings before the Super League Grand Final kicked off. (Andy Stephenson, England).
"Everton have not won without being in the lead."
Andy Gray during the Merseyside derby.
(Matthew Kophamel, England).
"And it's Go! Go! Go!"
"I've just been put off by a Brazilian bombshell in a bikini standing alongside me."
Murray Walker on BBC Radio 5 Live during the Brazilian Grand Prix. (Michael Scallon, England).
"How many frames are we playing?"
Ronnie O'Sullivan to referee Jans Verhas in the Snooker Grand Prix final. No wonder he lost. (John Hutton, England).
"If you have a look at the guy with his shirt off, he's super-fit."
Ricky Ponting getting all dreamy about Mitchell Johnson. (Kane Rennie, Australia).
"And here we go, Jonny Wilkinson versus South Africa."
On Irish TV before the Rugby World Cup final. (Brian Doyle,
"Yeah, we don't condemn it at all."
John Terry being interviewed on Sky Sports about the booing of Frank Lampard. Think the word's condone, John.
(Matt Woodley, England).
"It was one of those 50-50 decisions. If you are a South African it was a try, if you are English it wasn't."
Lawrence Dallaglio after the try that never was in the Rugby World Cup final. Didn't he mean it the other way round? (Mike, England).
And coming on for the Albion
"I'm James Morrison, singer."
West Brom's James Morrison introducing himself on Soccer AM's crossbar challenge. (Foster, England).
"For me that's a stone-iron penalty."
Commentator for Sky Sports during the Colombia-Brazil match. (Sam Tarassoli, UK).
"It's not easy on the eye but it's super to watch!"
Steve Claridge watching Southampton play Cardiff.
(Daf Pritchard, Wales).
"Some of our top players are out injured. That's an excuse, but it's also not an excuse."
Wigan manager Chris Hutchings after the defeat by Portsmouth. (Kwaku Mensah,
"The good thing about this quarterback is that when he gets hit, he follows through."
Channel Five American football commentator. (Dane Campbell, UK).
"What do you call the seventh/eighth place play-off in this World Cup? The Bledisloe Cup!"
Will Greenwood pokes fun at New Zealand and Australia. (Nick G, England).
"Everton threaten, with Pepe Reina managing to palm a teasing Leon Osman over the crossbar."
Live text from the Merseyside derby. Reina's palm must be pretty! (Richard Bradley, England).
A dog and bone, yesterday
"Scotland were like a dog with a bone and when they got the bone, they made it count."
Charlie Nicholas on Sky Sports after Scotland beat Ukraine 3-1. (Burkey,
"Every little helps!"
Chris Waddle referring to Liverpool fans playing with Tesco bags prior to the Merseyside derby. (Joey C, UK).
''Once again, Corleto is having the game of his life.''
Scott Hastings talking about the Argentine player Ignacio in the play-off with France. (Barney Corkhill, England).
"Let's look at the biggest sporting event tomorrow, Everton versus Liverpool."
Reporter on Sky Sports news. Er, World Cup Final, anyone? (Adam, UK).
"England are hanging on by their fingertails here."
Commentator, England v Russia. (Tom Nickolson, England).
"It's been a season of three halves."
Jamie Whitham commenting on the extra-long British Superbike season. (Sebastian, England).
"I'm not saying he's done anything wrong but Shaun Murphy has made one or two errors with his safety."
John Virgo at snooker's Grand Prix.
(Joe Downes, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We hate you Sunday, we do
We hate you Monday, we do
We hate you Tuesday, we do
But Wednesday, we love you!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans against Leicester. (Molly, England).
Eiffel Tower? Pah!
"Blackpool Tower's better than that!"
Sung by England rugby fans while watching a game on the big screen outside the Eiffel Tower. (Matt, England).
"You're just a small town in Poland!"
Southend fans at Walsall (Warsaw). (Joe Rutter, England).
"Now he's playing more than ever, you can stand under my Darren Fletcher,
Fletcher, Fletcher, ay, ay, ay,
Under my Darren Fletcher, Fletcher, Fletcher, Fletcher, ay, ay, ay."
Heard in a Glasgow nightclub on Saturday night to the tune of 'Umbrella'. (James Andersen,
"You're getting sacked in the morning!"
Newcastle fans to Tottenham manager Martin Jol (Emma Wright,
"Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say Yeo, Yeooo!"
Chester fans after Simon Yeo scored against Hereford. (Simon Dutton, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Will Mr Darling go back home to Cambridge to see his wife go into labour. Thank you."
Stafford Rangers v Cambridge United. (Walker Darke, UK).
"A message for the owner of car registration -----. Your windows are wide open in the car park. It's a Rover, so it won't get stolen, but you had better return to it."
Plymouth Argyle v Coventry. (Matthew Monaghan,
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Wife or World Cup? I'm going to miss her."
South African banner outside the Stade de France before the Rugby World Cup final. (Kristian Bourne, UK).
CORRECTION TO LAST WEEK'S BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Jonny Wilkinson will you marry me - when I'm older?"
Little Girl holding up sign after the England v France game (Not "even when I'm older" as reported last week).