Has Owen got the stomach for a fight?
"I will bust a gut to play in any game."
Michael Owen with an unfortunate choice of words to describe his rapid recovery from stomach surgery.
"At 5.30am I realised it was a losing battle and I sat down with my dvd player and a guitar, messing around - a bit of Arctic Monkeys mainly."
Jonny Wilkinson realises sleep is not an option after England's defeat of France in the Rugby World Cup.
"Jonny's drop goal with two minutes left sank France. It reminded me of something a few years back, but I just can't recall it right now."
Mike Catt knows Jonny Wilkinson scored another famous drop goal but can't quite place it. Answers on a postcard please.
"What's going on?! Amazing! Mitterand, Platini - your boys took a hell of a beating!"
Will Greenwood gets a tiny bit excited when the final whistle goes in Paris.
"What's it like? Rubbish."
Former Russia captain Alexei Smertin is not a big fan of the plastic pitch, where
England's Euro 2008 fate will be decided on Wednesday.
"There's nothing appealing about Iain Dowie!"
Simon Jordan when asked whether Iain Dowie was appealing the verdict of their court case.
"I was playing marbles on the lawn with my eight-year-old son on the first day back at training this season. I normally have 200 things going through my mind but all I had to worry about was these marbles."
New Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock on the strange sensation of being unemployed in pre-season. Still, at least he hasn't lost his marbles.
"I think there might be one or two games where I don't get some decisions going for me - from people who have read my book!"
Warnock fears the juicy opinions in his recent autobiography may come back to bite him.
"I had to resist when everyone was saying to me 'buy, buy, buy' - and even bye-bye!"
Arsene Wenger enjoys a little play on words as he vindicates his decision not to panic in the wake of Thierry Henry's departure.
What a lovely pair of Rooneys
"They used to be my Kevin Keegans, they went on to be my Gazzas and now they're my Rooneys."
Oscar-winning actress Dame Helen Mirren keeps up with the times to describe her "musclebound" pins.
"I'd like to thank the press from the heart of my bottom."
Nick Easter becomes Nick Faldo for the night as England silence the doubters with their Rugby World Cup quarter-final win over Australia.
"We have been in the mire for the last three weeks. We knew we had to dig deep and there was a lot of soul-searching going on. So we came together as a band of brothers."
Easter's team-mate Mark Regan wins the bet to get a TV series title into his interview.
"I don't think we'll be professional for the full 90 minutes until the microchips are firmly imbedded in the players' heads."
Watford boss Adrian Boothroyd looks forward to the day when all his players celebrate goals with a robot dance.
"They're the worst band in living memory - we've had two hours of the hokey-cokey, two hours of a lovely bunch of coconuts and even a rendition of John Brown's Body."
David Lloyd on the Sri Lankan band playing during the fourth ODI in Colombo.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"He hit that shot at about one million miles an hour!"
Steve McManaman talking about Robin van Persie's first goal against Sunderland on Setanta Sports.
(Matthew Glasgow, Northern Ireland).
"And Everton are bringing on Anchovy."
Channel 5 commentator as Victor Anichebe came on against Metalist. (Ian Wells, UK).
Hurrah for football!
"Had I not become a footballer, I think I would have been a virgin."
Peter Crouch's honest answer in a Soccer AM interview. (Matt White, UK).
"Well, we are in the final and nobody else is yet."
Martin Johnson after Jim Rosenthal asked if England had a chance of winning the Rugby World Cup.
"So, Thomas, France have still not won a World Cup."
Rosenthal not rubbing it in the face of Thomas Casteignede, seconds after England beat France. (Nick, Isle of Man).
"Michalik goes for the drop goal...and it's a wibbly wobbly one."
Miles Harrison during the semi-final.
(Andrew McCormick, Northern Ireland).
"Seat of the edge stuff."
Matt Dawson describes the tension in the France-England game. (Nick Reip, UK).
"It looked easier to score, but Senderos just glanced the ball off his balding palette."
David Pleat - Radio 5live commentary of Arsenal v Sunderland. (Pieman, England).
"It's exactly almost three runs an over required."
Roshan Mahanama, as England were closing in on a series victory against Sri Lanka.
(Paul Cox, England).
"Pakistan need a further 235 off a minimum 47 hours."
Typo in the South Africa-Pakistan report. I think even Alastair Cook could make it in that time.
"Half his mind is on the dartboard, half is on the crowd....and half is on himself in the mirror!"
Sky Sports darts commentator Sid Waddell on Alex Roy as he played James Wade in Dublin.
(Rob Lyons, Ireland).
"The Principal's Nose - if you go in there you're going to come out with a bogey."
Richard Boxall's commentary at the Dunhill Classic, St Andrew's, where one of the bunkers is called the Principal's Nose. (Leo, Ireland).
"They can be almost Fijian in the way they show Gallic flair."
England winger Josh Lewsey talking about France. (Mark, Hamburg, Germany).
"When he is in form he really frees scorely."
Damien Fleming on Matthew Hayden's scoring prowess in the third India v Australia one-day international.
"That was more by luck than good fortune."
Paul Parker commentating on Cambridge United v Rushden & Diamonds. (Andy, Bicester, UK).
"Sunderland played tremendously well for 90 minutes, but they didn't play very well for the first 15 minutes."
Lee Dixon on MOTD2. (Kurtis Lyth, England).
"Aston Villa are playing the best out there, West Ham the second best."
Dean Saunders on 5live. (Rob Hincks, UK).
Oh no, not him again
"Like a dog going back to the vet's....he suddenly remembered where he was!"
ITV commentator on the return of Roma keeper Gianluca Curci to Old Trafford, scene of a 7-1 thrashing last season.
(Simon Bertenshaw, UK).
"Australia must feel like they've revisted the scene of an accident, and crashed again."
TV commentator talking to Michael Lynagh after the quarter-final defeat by England.
(Dave Rice, England).
"Everyone goes out there with their arm on their sleeve."
Sky's Matt Jones on the attitude of the Welsh U-16 football team. (Steve Owen, Ireland).
"Kevin Doyle is off the mark for the first time this season."
MOTD2 commentator on Reading-Derby game. Er, how many times can you score your first goal each season? (Matt England, UK).
"At the moment we're not playing like a top six side. To be a top six side, you've got to be in the top six."
Jamie Scowcroft tells it like it is after the Palace-Hull match. (Jack Laws, Croydon, England).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Have you ever seen a salad, number one?"
Sung by Worthing fans to Hampton & Richmond goalkeeper during their FA Cup third round qualifying defeat.
"Keeper's on a hat-trick, keeper's on a hat-trick, la la la la..."
Torquay fans to Stevenage goalie Alan Julian after he scored two own goals in Torquay's 4-2 win.
Bill 'The Body' Oddie
"Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, Rub your beard all over my body! Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie..."
Reading fans against Derby. (Jake Byrne, England).
"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Roberto."
Swansea fans after going top of the league under Roberto Martinez. (Tom H, Wales).
"Switzerland are you listening? Austria are you glistening? It's a wonderful time, to be a Scotsman, cos we're going to Euro 2008!"
All I got from the biggest Scotland fan this weekend. (Joe Halliday, England). I take it he was drunk? Ed.
"Camb-a-ridge uh-huh uh-huh, Un-i-ted, uh-huh uh-huh."
Cambridge United fans - to the tune of 'That's The Way I Like It'. (David Ahluwalia, UK).
"15 Points, Who gives a ****? We're super Leeds,
And we're going up!"
Leeds fans are over the 15-point penalty. (Lee, England).
"4-all, we're gonna draw 4-all!"
Exeter City fans after Richard Logan had put us 4-1 up at home, this coming after five straight home draws! (Jack Nex, England).
"Youre ****, and you know you are."
Swindon fans to Gillingham fans when they were winning 5-0.
"We're ****, and we know we are!"
Gillingham's reply! (Alex, Swindon).
"Can you hear the Rangers sing?"
Hibs fans at Ibrox after being kept behind - singing to a totally empty stadium. (Danny Bayne, Scotland).
"Tell me ma, me ma, to put the champagne on ice, we're going to City twice!"
Everton fans after progressing in the Uefa Cup - the final is at Manchester City's stadium. (Gaz Jones, UK).
You're not special any more
"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Dave Pacio."
Droylsden fans getting behind their manager as they won their first game of the season. (James, England).
"He's fat, He's round, he bounces all around. Sammy Lee, Sammy Lee."
Chelsea fans to the Bolton manager. (David Lebby, UK).
Everton fans to Metalist Kharkiv's vastly overweight physio. (Oliver Back, England).
"We hate Tuesday!"
Bristol City fans after Sheffield United fans had chanted "We hate Wednesday"! (Bob Charles, UK).
"Are you Dida in disguise?"
Sunderland fans to Almunia after he was "hit" on the head from a corner... (Andy, UK).
Falkirk fans when they scored in the 80th minute to make it 4-1. They were the team getting beaten. (JM Stevenson, Scotland).
"Just like your manager."
Arsenal fans singing to Paul McShane when he got sent off during the Arsenal-Sunderland game.
"We won it twice, we won it twi-i-ice, the Auto-Windshield, we won it twice."
Wigan fans to Man Utd following their 4-0 defeat - sung to the tune of Sloop John B. (Phil Barker, England).
"Swing low, sweet halibut!"
Sung by Grimsby supporters as news of England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup filtered through. (Ben,
"And it's Marton Fulop, Marton Fulop FC,
they're by far the greatest team
The world has ever seen."
Leicester fans' chant to their Hungarian goalkeeper, Marton Fulop. (Sam, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Substitution for West Germany..."
Stadium announcer at Croke Park for the Ireland v Germany match, not realising reunification had taken place.
(Tom Armstrong, Northern Ireland).
"Could the owner of a Vauxhall Astra, registration number P914...., please return to their vehicle immediately, as it is rolling unacompanied."
Heard at Oxford v Torquay. (Tom Baker, England).
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Jonny Wilkinson will you marry me? Even when I'm old?"
Spotted at the Stade de France. (Michael Scallon, England).