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Last Updated: Tuesday, 18 September 2007, 08:46 GMT 09:46 UK
Quotes of the Week
By Chris Charles

Jose Mourinho with officials after the Blackburn game
Anyone fancy a pint?

"The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
Jose Mourinho is desperate for Chelsea to scramble a win from somewhere.

"I could feel immediately the movement. To somebody that understands the game and feels the football, smells the situation, it was obvious."
Mourinho has senses working overtime after a dodgy offside flag denies Chelsea a goal against Blackburn.

"I would be happy if the league was finished now!"
Man City boss Sven-Goran Eriksson after their 1-0 win against Aston Villa lifted them to second place.

"I jokingly asked (Mercedes Motorsport boss) Norbert Haug if he was going to chip in half, but we haven't come to a conclusion on that negotiation yet."
A bit of gallows humour from Ron Dennis after McLaren's hefty 49.2m fine for 'Ferrari-gate'.

"My players travel more than Phileas Fogg in Around The World In 80 Days. Javier Mascherano had to play a friendly for Argentina in Australia. That must have been really important."
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez is a massive fan of international football.

"I'm very excited with this team because they are 'playerish' - if there is such a word - they love to play."
Arsene Wenger can't find the words to describe Arsenal, so he makes up a new one.

"He carries a little note book around with him. The lads will be having a conversation and he'll write down some of the words he hears. Five minutes later he is laughing to himself and that's when you know he has finally worked out what the boys have been saying to each other."
Norwich City's Darel Russell on Czech team-mate David Strihavka, who scored the winning goal against Crystal Palace.

"When he came off, I joked we had probably found his best place - on the bench! I thought he was going to belt me."
Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd on supersub Darius Henderson, who came on to sink Southampton.

Dimitri Mascarenhas
Oh not, not you again

"I will never forget this man. I had a good look at him while he was belting away; he got me caught and bowled for 18 and when I went for Paul Collingwood's charity dinner later in the evening, I saw him there as well. I told him: 'You are here too? I don't want to see you anymore!'"
India's Yuvraj Singh won't be volunteering to bowl against six-mad Dimitri Mascarenhas in the Twenty20 World Cup after being taken to the cleaners in the ODI.

"He is a very big boy - I wouldn't like to be paying his food bills!"
USA rugby coach Peter Thorburn on man mountain Henry Bloomfield ahead of the World Cup clash with England.

"When you see a performance like that, you hope you never see anything like it again."
England coach Brian Ashton is glad his team got their bad performance out of the way against the USA. Ahem.

"If she is in a good mood, she brings a lot. It is about trying to keep her in a good mood. I said to her: 'I know it's your way or the highway. We're trying to make it your way so we don't all end up on the highway."'
Solheim Cup captain Helen Alfredsson on how to solve a problem like Laura Davies.

AND SOME FROM YOU

"Phil Neville has a facial problem."
BBC Radio 5live stating the obvious at the Everton-Man Utd match. (Richard Salguero, UK).

"The game against England will be a totally different game. England is good in defence and plays well man to man."
Germany coach Silvia Neid on the Women's World Cup game with England - shouldn't it be woman to woman? (Rick Knowler, England).

Pat and Shirley in EastEnders
Here's what you missed, Greeny

"This is torture. I could have been watching the EastEnders omnibus."
BBC 5live commentator Alan Green on the tedious first half of Man City v Aston Villa. (Darrell, UK).

"Paul Collingwood is proving to be a very good tosser."
Jonathan Agnew reporting before England v South Africa on Sunday. (Janiv Patel, England).

"Wednesday are pointless!"
Heard on BBC Radio Sheffield. (Rob, Sheffield).

"It's like the January sales - everything must go."
Graham Gooch, commentating on Bangladesh's flying start against South Africa in the Twenty20 World Cup. (Clare, London).

"London's a spiritual home for Ivanisevic - he was here when he won Wimbledon in 2001."
Commentator during Betfair Turbo Tennis. Where else are you going to be if you win Wimbledon? (Adam, United Kingdom).

"Andy Farrell was slow and disappointing - maybe the RFU should have invested in Northern Rock instead."
Welsh language television presenter after England v South Africa. (Seiriol Hughes, Wales).

"The Soviet...I mean Russian fans still think they've scored."
John Motson showing his age during the England-Russia match. (Joe Moriarty, England).

"It doesn't make sense to hand a place to a club based on a knockout competition, almost a one-off, when other clubs have shown quality over a full league season to get in the top four."
Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry. That's Liverpool, who qualified for the 2006 Champions League despite finishing outside the top four, after their success in a 'one-off cup'. (Gareth Aston, Scotland).

"When you try to compare the two teams there is no comparison."
Francois Pienaar in the Ireland v Namibia match. (Max Thompson, Chandlers Ford, UK).

Bristol City manager Gary Johnson
I'm very, very happy!

"It is very, very satisfying to be top. We knew Coventry had a game plan to get the ball forward to Dele Adebola very, very quickly. We had to compete and at the same time be very, very strong. It was a very, very good away performance."
Maybe somebody should introduce Bristol City boss, Gary Johnson, to the word 'extremely'? (Dave Rudd, UK).

"Fernando Alonso, as world champion, must feel entitled to have a man underneath him, as it were..."
Oo-er missus... David Croft , 5live commentary on Spa's Friday practice. (Astrofiammante, Hertfordshire).

"Words in Spanish directed at my family, I understand perfectly well. As such when I reacted, it was the wrong reaction but sometimes even rational and normal people err."
The rational, normal, Luiz Felipe Scolari after lashing out at Serbian player 'Drago' Dragutinovic during the qualifier with Portugal. (Sammyd, Newton-le-Willows).

"Twenty minutes and you'll be like Bambi on ice"
Mark Lawrenson discussing England playing on a plastic pitch when they go to Moscow to face Russia. (Hugo van Zeller, England).

"Another six from Gibbs - the mood he's in now, he's gonna hit a seven!"
David Lloyd after Herschelle Gibbs hit a six in the game between South Africa and West Indies, leaving seven runs needed for victory. (Suraj Galsinh, UK).

Ken Dodd with his 'tickling stick'
Look out, scorers!

"Another batsman goes without tickling the scorers."
Ravi Shastri after Kenya's Steve Tikolo departs. (Adam, UK).

"Scotland are now two points clear of France at the bottom of Group B."
Seems the BBC reporter still can't quite cope with Scotland being top... (Nick Stokes, England).

"Zhirkov - Great Name."
Ian Wright on the Russian player, pronounced 'Jerkoff'. (Richard, England).

"That's good work from the Irish."
Donna Symonds commentating on the Scotland-Pakistan Twenty20 match after the Scots took a wicket. (Stuart Hunt, UK).

"This is the only track where the car needs such extreme downforce. The only other one is Canada...and America."
David Coulthard on ITV before the Italian Grand Prix. (Simon Butler, Isle of Wight).

"Peter Crouch is a big player for us."
England manager Steve McLaren. No doubt about it, Steve! (Mike, England).

Mark Petchey: "When you're as big as Roger Federer you need two agents."
Barry Cowan: "The only agent we have is a travel agent, and that was to get here!"
Banter between the British boys during the US Open. (Mickey, England).

"That was the loudest silent cheer I've ever done!"
Said by the female commentator just after England's women equalised in the World Cup against Japan! (Daniel Street, Wales).

Steve McClaren and Terry Venables
That's my boy!

"Is that his Dad?"
A sweet thought from my girlfriend upon seeing Venables sat next to McClaren during the England-Russia game. (Anthony Smith, England).

"He's a big man. He's big below the waist!"
NFL commentator during Chicago Bears' game at San Diego Chargers. (Robbo, England).

"That was one of the worst decisions I've ever seen. Obviously Maradona's handball was worse, but that was awful."
Terry Butcher on Sammy Moore's sending off for Brentford on Sunday. (Rik Scales, England).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"We're gonna deep-fry your croissants!"
Scotland fans singing to the French in Paris. (Andrew, Scotland).

"Can we play you every week?"
Scotland fans after seing their side beat France at the Parc des Princes. (Colin Asquith, UK).

"What the hell is Va Va Voom?!"
Scotland fans again. (Paul McKay, Scotland).

"It's just a big ******* pylon!"
Tartan Army underneath the Eiffel Tower before our famous victory. (Tony McDermott, Scotland).

David Brent shows off his disco moves in The Office
Get your dancing shoes on

"Lets all have a disco!"
Carlisle United after taking the lead against Swansea.
"Let's go to their disco!"
Swansea fans five minutes later after going 2-1 up. (Bobby, Wales).

"Is your ground from B&Q?"
Charlton fans taunting Colchester about their tiny little ground. (Marc Deruelle, England).

"There's only one Teddy Sheringham....with a walking stick and a zimmer frame, Sheringham has peed himself again!"
Charlton fans at Colchester. (Matt, England).

"We're gonna win 6-5."
Sung in optimism by Inverness Caley fans after Celtic knocked in their fifth. (Stuart McAleese, England).

"He's only got nine toes!"
A small section of fans chanting to Steven Gerrard at the England-Russia game. (Tom W, UK).

"Malcolm Glazer's a football genius."
Sung by Clitheroe FC fans at the home game v FC United. Let's just say the United fans weren't too happy about it! (Oliver Collins, Burnley).

"The moon! You've never been to the moon!"
England fans to the Russians. Don't mention the fact that we haven't either... (Rich N, UK).

"It's just like being in church!"
Yeovil fans to quiet Swindon fans. (Dan Dixon, England).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"Ron - do you want us to lend you a tenner?"
Seen at the Belgium Grand Prix after the spying scandal. (Kayleigh Beckman, England).



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SEE ALSO
Holloway column
14 Sep 07 |  Football
Review of the week
14 Sep 07 |  Fun and Games
Robbo column
17 Sep 07 |  Fun and Games


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